My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town.

[wongedhan]

could anyone correct my essay? it is a 500 words essay about myself and "How do you see yourself as youth and student to help shaping the sustainable world of tomorrow"
I am not a native speaker. Correction in grammatical, spelling, comma usage error will be much appreciated. Thank you all


My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town in East Kalimantan Province called Balikpapan. The population there is quite small, so it became a very tight community where everyone knew everyone. My father works at an oil and gas company. He talked about his works all the time, which mean I learn about the importance of energy at a very young age. I became very interested in energy, especially the renewable and sustainable energy. I want to have a world class energy company one day. To pursue my dream, I chose to go to one of the best universities in the country, ITB. I am convinced that electricity is the energy of the future, because of that I chose to major in electrical power engineering.
Now, I am a third year student in ITB. I am involved in a lot of extracurricular activities such as, staff in Professional Division (Keprofesian) at Electrical Engineering Student Organization, staff in Welfare (Kesra) division at ITB Riau Students Association (UKMR), and many more. I know that in order improve my self it is not enough just to study in class, I have to have leadership skill, social skill, and other soft skills that I cannot learn in class.

In campus, there are a lot of talks about this nation and the world’s future energy. As we know, the fossil fuel is now still widely used as the main energy source in the world, mainly because it is cheaper than its environmentally friendly competitor, the renewable energy. But, it is now become more and more apparent that in the long term, the renewable energy will prevail. It is because the fossil based energy reserved is declining and the technology in renewable energy is advancing.

The transition from fossil based energy to its more sustainable and cleaner competitor, the renewable energy cannot be done over night, but it has to start immediately. Experts on the field said that to ensure that we have sustainable energy in the future we have to conserve, divercify, and intensify energy. As a student and youth me and my friends all over the world can help this transition toward the better future. To start, we can socialize the importance of energy conservation and also promote the future of renewable energy to raise the people awareness of this issue at least to the community where we live. Students have to think globally and act locally. If students all over the world are doing this, the impact will be massive. Secondly, we can take action our self in helping the community by providing them with clean and renewable energy source. Electrical Engineering Student Organization at ITB has initiated a program called PALAPA which built energy independent villages that take advantage of the energy provided by natural resources. Over the past 5 years, PALAPA has been successfully implemented at two locations in Indonesia. We also can help by advancing the technology. We can help research the most effective and efficient energy management in our country or even do research on renewable energy technology.

 

[Tarheel]

A little bit at a time.

Could anyone correct my essay? it is a 500 word essay about myself

"How do you see yourself as youth and student to help shaping the sustainable world of tomorrow"

That sentence makes my head hurt.

;-)

I am not a native speaker. Correction in grammatical, spelling, comma usage error will be much appreciated. Thank you all

Say:

Correction in grammar, spelling, and punctuation will be much appreciated.​

 

[Tarheel]

My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town in East Kalimantan Province called Balikpapan.

If you want to use the "everyone knew everyone" phrase see if you can't fit that into the second sentence.

 

[Tarheel]

1. Please don't say that the population is small.
2. Space between paragraphs.

 

[emsr2d2]

When will you submit your essay to your teacher/tutor for marking or grading?

 

[Tarheel]

Well, I don't think this one is coming back (but I could be wrong). I will try to keep in mind from now on that I am not supposed to do anybody's homework. (I googled "small population" then when I got here I realized that the OP didn't say that. However, I did see an interesting picture, here: https://plus.google.com/s/"small population"/posts?hl=en )

 

[wongedhan]

Thank You for all your help. This is not a homework or an essay for competitive purpose. It is just a mandatory essay if I want to become a committee in an event. That's all. Nothing more. And I'm sorry I didn't come back for the past few days. I just have a lot going on. Once again, thank you for your help @Tarheel

 

[Tarheel]

You don't have to apologize for not posting for a few days. (If that were the case, I would owe them a bunch of apologies.)

I am not sure I understand what you are saying. Is there some committee you want to get appointed to?

(Are you Chinese?)

The essay gets off track on the third sentence. Try:

My name is Andrew. I grew up in a small town in East Kalimantan Province called Balikpapan. It was a place where everybody knew everybody.

​

(Back when I was a moderator I probably would have changed the title of this thing by now. (We don't want all the titles to look alike.))

 

[Tarheel]

My father worked at an oil and gas company. He talked about his work all the time, which meant that I learned about the importance of energy at a very young age.

When he talked about his work did he talk to you about it, or did you hear him talking to other people?

 

[emsr2d2]

Back when I was a moderator I probably would have changed the title of this thing by now. (We don't want all the titles to look alike.)

I've changed the title (and then had to change it in each reply!)

 

[Tarheel]

I've changed the title (and then had to change it in each reply!)

Thanks a bunch! The new title is much better.

:up:

 

[Tarheel]

I became very interested in energy, especially the renewable and sustainable energy. I want to have a world class energy company one day. To pursue my dream, I chose to go to one of the best universities in the country, ITB. I am convinced that electricity is the energy of the future, because of that I chose to major in electrical power engineering.

It seems to me that the change is too abrupt. What I mean by that is one minute you are a child listening to his father talk about his work, and the next minute you are talking about running your own company. Also, I am not sure that it makes sense to say that electricity is the energy of the future. (I am not saying it doesn't. I am saying I am not sure.) That is because there are many ways to produce electricity, and they are all forms of energy. (There is hydropower. There is coal. There is solar power. And others.)

Wow!

 

[wongedhan]

When he talked about his work did he talk to you about it, or did you hear him talking to other people?

He talked to me about it, but not the complex stuff. Just the basic. Anyway, I have submitted my essay a few days ago. Thank You for your help

 

[wongedhan]

It seems to me that the change is too abrupt. What I mean by that is one minute you are a child listening to his father talk about his work, and the next minute you are talking about running your own company. Also, I am not sure that it makes sense to say that electricity is the energy of the future. (I am not saying it doesn't. I am saying I am not sure.) That is because there are many ways to produce electricity, and they are all forms of energy. (There is hydropower. There is coal. There is solar power. And others.)

Wow!

It's a 500 word essay. I want to be as briefly as possible. That's why I didn't write the details. As for the electricity thing, I think most renewable energy in the future will be converted to electrical energy first, then it is converted to other energies for practical applications.

 

[Tarheel]

He talked to me about it, but not the complex stuff. Just the basics. Anyway, I [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE] submitted my essay a few days ago. Thank You for your help

Microsoft Word will count the words for you, but I don't think you have 500 words. Anyhow, I have come up with a brief segue. It goes:

I admired my father. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to learn more about his work. I wanted to learn more about energy.
​

Now you have made the transition from talking about your father to talking about energy and companies that deal with that. (And in just a few sentences. You're good!)

 

[Tarheel]

Your English seems to be at a fairly advanced level. However, you still make plenty of mistakes, which means I get to fix them. ;-)

I became very interested in energy, especially [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] renewable and sustainable energy. I want to have a world class energy company one day. To pursue my dream, I chose to go to one of the best universities in the country, ITB. I am convinced that electricity is the energy of the future, because of that I chose to major in electrical power engineering.
(New paragraph)
Now, I am a third year student in ITB. I am involved in a lot of extracurricular activities such as, (delete comma) staff in Professional Division (Keprofesian) at Electrical Engineering Student Organization, staff in Welfare (Kesra) division at ITB Riau Students Association (UKMR), and many more. I know that in order improve myself it is not enough just to study in class, I have to have leadership skills, social skills, and other soft skills that I cannot learn in class.

On campus, there there is a lot of talk about this nation and the world’s future energy. As we know, [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] fossil fuel is now still widely used as the main energy source in the world, mainly because it is cheaper than its environmentally friendly competitor, [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] renewable energy. But, it is now become more and more apparent that in the long term, [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] renewable energy will prevail. It is because [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] fossil based energy reserves are declining and the technology in renewable energy is advancing.

The transition from fossil based energy to its more sustainable and cleaner competitor, [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] renewable energy cannot be done overnight, but it has to start immediately. Experts in the field said that to ensure that we have sustainable energy in the future we have to conserve, diversify, and intensify energy. As a student and youth my friends and I all over the world can help this transition toward a better future. To start, we can socialize the importance of energy conservation and also promote the future of renewable energy to raise [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] people's awareness of this issue at least in the communities where we live. Students have to think globally and act locally. If students all over the world are doing this, the impact will be massive. Secondly, we can take action ourselves in helping the community by providing them with clean and renewable energy sources. Electrical Engineering Student Organization at ITB has initiated a program called PALAPA which built energy independent villages that take advantage of the energy provided by natural resources. Over the past 5 years, PALAPA has been successfully implemented at two locations in Indonesia. We also can help by advancing the technology. (What technology?) We can help research the most effective and efficient energy management in our country or even do research on renewable energy technology.

Well, that's something to think about.

 

[wongedhan]

Thank you Tarheel, I didn't realize I made a lot of little mistakes. I will try to do better on my next essay

 

[Tarheel]

Darn! I just saw a goof I made. (Actually, it's a mistake I missed, but that turns out to be the same thing.) The fourth sentence in the first paragraph should read:

I am convinced that electricity is the energy of the future, and because of that I chose to major in electrical power engineering.

​

(I've decided you haven't been paying me enough. ;-))

There might be more mistakes that I missed, so it might be best to stop here.

(Well, this proofreading job pays as much as the last one I had.)