Please check my motivation letter after edit

[rayanbs]

Dear sir/madam

Within this letter I would like to explain my interest in applying for the scholarship program “Leadership for Syria” from DAAD to obtain the opportunity of having a master's degree in Computer Science.

I am currently studying a master's degree in Web Science in the "Syrian Virtual University" in Syria, and I have already finished the first semester, and I intend to get a master's degree from German University in order to progress in my educational achievement and reach my professional goal.

My professional goal is to spread the health system in my country, where I intend to work in the field of information technology and use of information systems to improve the level of health in my country, and establish my own business which is based on the unification of health system for individual and personnel in the health field for governmental and non-governmental health facilities in both.

After looking for the Freiburg University syllabus I found that there are subjects not existing in "Syrian Virtual University" such as "Machine Learning", "Embedded Systems" and "Distributed Systems", and improving my German language will be great, also the study in English language will allow me to get a certificate of completion "TOFEL" or "IELTS" after my return.

During my studies I get technical diploma in computer engineering in 2010 from the University of Damascus, also get a bachelor's degree in the field of information technology in 2013.

In my career I proposed a health information system in 2008 for the medical clinics of the Syrian Arab Red Crescent Organization in Rural Damascus area in one of the UNHCR projects, that it was depend paper file system, and later was adopted the system I developed at all clinics of the same project, and this system is still working till now, currently I'm working in the Syrian Arab Red Crescent as an Information System Officer in the project since 2010 and have received a recommendation letter to promoted as information systems officer for the head quarter of the organization.

During the current situation, as a volunteer I work as a team leader in first aid and distribution of food parcels and non food items, and improve the sanitary services at shelters and damaged areas for those people affected by the current crisis in Syria .
The opportunity of studying in German universities will enable me to improve and develop my skills and knowledge in the field of Information Technology, that I hope to invest this skills to facing the problems resulting in the current crisis in Syria, together with my colleagues to develop our society and try to copy a system similar to German System.

Yours sincerely,

 

[Tarheel]

I would like to explain my interest in applying for the scholarship program “Leadership for Syria” from DAAD to obtain the opportunity to acquire a master's degree in computer science.

You don't need to capitalize "computer science" unless it is indeed a proper noun (for example a course name or a part of a course name).

 

[Tarheel]

Dear sir/madam

I am currently pursuing a master's degree in Web Science at the "Syrian Virtual University" in Syria, and I have already finished the first semester, and I intend to get a master's degree from German University in order to further my education and achieve my professional goal.

You only have one goal?

 

[Tarheel]

My professional goal is to improve the health system in my country, where I intend to work in the field of information technology and use of information systems to improve the level of health in my country, and establish my own business which is based on the unification of health systems for individuals and personnel in the health field for governmental and non-governmental health facilities in both.

 

[Tarheel]

After looking for the Freiburg University syllabus I found that there are subjects not existing in "Syrian Virtual University" such as "Machine Learning", "Embedded Systems" and "Distributed Systems", and improving my German will be great, also the study of English will allow me to get a certificate of completion "TOFEL" or "IELTS" after my return.

Wow! You're going to learn two languages, and I barely know one.
;-)

 

[Tarheel]

I acquired a technical diploma in computer engineering in 2010 from the University of Damascus, and I also received a bachelor's degree in the field of information technology in 2013.

 

[Tarheel]

I proposed a health information system in 2008 for the medical clinics of the Syrian Arab Red Crescent Organization in the rural Damascus area in one of the UNHCR projects, and later that system was adopted at all clinics belonging to the same project, and this system is still in operation. Currently I'm working with the Syrian Arab Red Crescent as an Information Systems Officer, and I have received a recommendation letter to be promoted to information systems officer for the headquarters of the organization.

Wow!

 

[Tarheel]

I have worked as a volunteer during the current situation as a team leader in first aid and distribution of food parcels and non food items, and I improved the sanitary services at shelters and damaged areas for those people affected by the current crisis in Syria.

Laudable service.
:up:

 

[Tarheel]

The opportunity to study at German universities will enable me to improve and develop my skills and knowledge in the field of Information Technology, and I hope to use these skills to address the problems resulting from the current crisis in Syria, and, together with my colleagues, to develop a system similar to the German System.

Yours sincerely,

Finished!