request letter to university - is it correct?

[Amy0710]

Hi. I'd like to ask some questions to the university I wish to apply,
but English is not my mother language so Please take a look at the letter below to catch my mistakes

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Dear Sir or Madam,

This is to request more information about your Business Analytics course at XXX university. I am highly interested in this course and I wish to to apply for admission starting in 2016.

First, could you send further information about the curriculum and Faculty of Business Analytics? I have already visited the homepage of your university for looking into the curriculum but I could just check the name of each subject. I would like to have more detailed information about each subject, including technic and computer programme which could be dealt with, professor who teach...and so on.

Second, I would also greatly appreciate if you give me useful information about scholarship which I could apply for. I am working over 4 years at XXX which is a member of XXX Alliance, comprising of 12 member countries around the world. I am in charge of marketing & PR sector at XXX HQ and before that, was majoring in Public Administration at XXXX National University and my GPA is relatively high. Also I finished an internship at XXX for having experience in Business Sector. These days, I am taking on-line lectures which named 'How to use Google Analytics' and 'Introduction for Digital marketing and Social media' to successfully complete master course in Business Analytics.

Thank you in advance for your attention to my request.
I look forward to receiving your response.

Yours sincerely,

XXX.

 

[teechar]

Dear Sir or Madam,

This is to request more information about your Business Analytics course. [STRIKE]at XXX university.[/STRIKE] I am highly interested in this course, and I wish to to apply for admission [STRIKE]starting[/STRIKE] in 2016.

First, could you send me further information about the curriculum and Faculty of Business Analytics? I have already visited [STRIKE]the homepage of your university for[/STRIKE] your website to look [STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE] into the curriculum, but I could just find basic course information. [STRIKE]check the name of each subject.[/STRIKE] I would like to have more detailed information about each subject of the Business Analytics course, including the technical and computer programming subjects involved, who teaches those subjects and any other relevant information. [STRIKE]which could be dealt with, professor who teach...and so on.[/STRIKE]

Second, I would also greatly appreciate it if you give me useful information about available scholarships which I could apply for. I [STRIKE]am[/STRIKE] have been working for over 4 years at XXX which is a member of XXX Alliance, comprising [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] 12 member countries around the world. I am in charge of the marketing & PR [STRIKE]sector[/STRIKE] department at XXX HQ and before that, [STRIKE]was majoring[/STRIKE] I had majored in Public Administration at XXXX National University, [STRIKE]and my[/STRIKE] with a 99% GPA. [STRIKE]is relatively high.[/STRIKE] Also, I [STRIKE]finished[/STRIKE] successfully completed an internship at XXX [STRIKE]for having[/STRIKE] which gave me a solid experience in the business sector. These days, I am taking online lectures [STRIKE]which[/STRIKE] named 'How to use Google Analytics' and 'Introduction [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] to Digital Marketing and Social Media' to [STRIKE] successfully complete[/STRIKE] prepare for themasters course in Business Analytics.

Thank you in advance for your attention, [STRIKE]to my request.[/STRIKE] and I look forward to receiving your response.

Yours faithfully, [STRIKE]sincerely,[/STRIKE]

XXX.

Use your real GPA! ;-)