[Essay] Help me understand my teacher's comments on my essay

[Sami kumar]

Task: Some people think that parents should teach children how to become good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this.

I got it marked yesterday, and my teacher gave me a score of 6.5 out of 10 based on my task response, coherence, cohesion , grammar and appropriate vocabulary. He said that the first sentence of my conclusion and the last few lines of the first paragraph did not make any sense. Can anyone confirm this with me?

Essay: Many people nowadays believe that parents have a responsibility to teach good manners to their children and to help them become good members of the society. On the contrary, there are some people who think schools and educational institutions should take care of this. In this essay, I shall evaluate both statements and state my own opinion.

Many people argue that it is the job of parents to educate their children regarding behaviour and teach them appropriate behaviour in order to become well behaved and good members of the community. This is because, children are more likely to listen to and obey their parents. Another reason why many people believe that it is the responsibility of parents is because of the trust and bond that exists between the family members.

On the other hand, Many people think schools should teach manners and help children to become good members of the society. This is due to the fact that schools should not only teach subjects like science and arts, but also subjects related to behaviour such as sociology and phsycology. Children can learn a lot of important elements of behaviour just by interacting with others. For instance, observing senior students and teachers can help shape the base of their way of thinking, which in turn influences their behaviour.

In my opinion, both parents and schools should accept the responsibility of educating children on the factors that influence the outcome of good behaviour. This way, children will have a greater chance of learning and becoming good members of the society as the points that would be missed by the parents would be covered by the educational institutions or otherwise.

 

[Sami kumar]

Anyone?

 

[BobK]

Perhaps there have been 80 views and no comments because people don't know what you're asking. What does the bolding signify? The first bolded text are not 'the last few lines of the first paragraph'.

b

 

[Sami kumar]

Perhaps there have been 80 views and no comments because people don't know what you're asking. What does the bolding signify? The first bolded text are not 'the last few lines of the first paragraph'.

b

Thanks for the reply and sorry for the confusion. All I want to know is whether the bolded sentences make any sense.

 

[Barb_D]

This is because, children are more likely to listen to and obey their parents. Another reason why many people believe that it is the responsibility of parents is because of the trust and bond that exists between the family members.

This is extremely wordy without adding much meaning at all.
This is because children are more likely to listen to and obey their parents. Another reason is the trust and bond that exists between family members.
I would have marked it off as well - there's very little thought in all these words, and a lot of repetition.

In my opinion,

both parents and schools should accept the responsibility of educating children on the factors that influence the outcome of good behaviour.

The part in red doesn't really make sense, no.

 

[Raymott]

...educate their children regarding behaviour and teach them appropriate behaviour in order to become well behaved ...

And the bolded parts are only a fraction of the problem.

 

[Barb_D]

To summarize, Sami, your writing is very repetitive.

It feels very much like you were told your essay had to be a certain number of words and you didn't have enough ideas to write that many words.
There are also two styles in here - smooth sentences like "Children can learn a lot of important elements of behaviour just by interacting with others" -- a good sentence -- and then things like we have highlighted here.

This is due to the fact that schools should not only teach subjects like science and arts, but also subjects related to behaviour such as sociology and phsycology
The part in bold is going to be needlessly wordy 95% (if not 99%) of the time time that it's used. "This is because" is fine.
If we are talking about children so young that they need help modeling good behavior, I'm pretty sure they are not being taught sociology and psychology (note the spelling), which are college-level classes.

Do you really think that watching senior students "shapes the base of their way of thinking" (whatever that means) and THAT influences behavior? How about "Younger students observe the behavior of older students and often model their behavior to match what they see."