Nations Getting Together

[Erbab]

Hi all,

I am preparing for IELTS and writing essays to improve my writing skills. I wrote this essay as an answer this question that I found in Cambridge Practice Tests for Ielts 2

Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

"Nations Getting Together

Well-known organizations such as football World Cup are obligatory to soften international relations and release friendly feelings safely. They are considered as a kind of bridge connecting different nations to each other. However, I totally disagree with this opinion. Ambitious/Pushing nature of those events often damage those relations.

First of all, the competitive atmosphere in such organisations make people focus on the result instead of the process which is more likely to create a bondage between other communities. For example, referees could be paid to make mistaken/wrong decisions in favor of one team in a football match. Because winning the game is much more important than getting together for an activity. There is no doubt that cheating is something that harms people's friendly/amicable/kindly emotions especially when it is easily detected/recognised. Therefore, international competitions may worsen relations since people are highly likely to succumb to their temptation to come first. (or succumb to their ambition ?)

Secondly, that sort of occasions may cause a brawl. Since people may not accept the fact that their nation is beaten in a sport game, after or during the event, they can attack to opponent fans and players. When these kinds of terrible things happen, it often ends up with political problems between related countries.

In conclusion, people are inclined to be succesfull in competitive events rather than to just enjoy spending quality time. When it comes to international occasions, people may become much more ambitious, and it is likely to end up with huge problems. "

 

[emsr2d2]

Did they really not capitalise "World Cup" in the book?

 

[Erbab]

I am sorry, I edit it now. It is capitalised in the book. I was a little bit tired while opening the thread. So, I did not realize it.

 

[Tarheel]

I am sorry. I have edited it now. It is capitalised in the book. I was a little bit tired while opening the thread. So, I did not realize it.

I think that's what you meant. If not, please tell me.

 

[Tarheel]

For starters, the World Cup is a competition, not an organization.

 

[Tarheel]

What you are trying to say is that sporting events do not bring people together. They do not build amity.

A lot of things depend not so much on what you do but how you do it.

 

[Erbab]

Yes, exactly. I have tried to say it by the underlined parts.

First of all, the competitive atmosphere in such championships make people focus on the result instead of the process which is more likely to create a bond to(instead of between) other communities. For example, referees could be paid to make mistaken/wrong decisions in favor of one team in a football match. Because winning the game is much more important than getting together for an activity.

Therefore, international competitions may worsen relations since people are highly likely to succumb to their temptation to come first.

People are inclined to be succesfull in competitive events rather than to just enjoy spending quality time.

Does my way of saying this sound natural? The most important thing for me is to use grammar and vocabulary correctly.

 

[Tarheel]

Maybe you could say something like:

There have been riots before, during and after soccer (football) matches. That is, I think, a result of the overcompetitive nature of such events.

Unfortunately, your posts are hard to understand. You need to compose shorter, simpler sentences. As it is it is hard for me figure out what you are trying to say.
:-|

 

[Erbab]

Thank you very much for your explanation. Since I am preparing for IELTS, I need to be capable enough to make more complicated sentences. So, I really wonder which sentences are not clear.

May you please show me the problematic sentences in my essay? You may underline them and I can try to paraphrase.

 

[Tarheel]

Let's look at post #7. The text starts off with First of all, but there is no Second of all. (The first sentence is a total mess.)

Let's look at the second sentence. Try:

Because of the pressure to win, the temptation is to bribe the referees to favor one team over the other.

People are inclined to be successful ....

That means they are more likely to be successful than not. That is true in the case of sporting events only if their opponent obliges them by losing.

 

[Erbab]

Thank you very much for your help dear Tarheel. I have edited the entire text according to your statements. How does it look now?

"Nations Getting Together

Well-known competitions such as football World Cup are obligatory to soften international relations and release friendly feelings safely. They are considered as a kind of bridge connecting different nations to each other. However, I totally disagree with this opinion. Aggressive atmosphere of those events often end in a complete chaos.

Firstly, there have been riots before, during and after soccer matches. That is probably a result of the overcompetitive nature of such events.
For example, the referees are briben to favor one team over the other in a lot of tournaments because of the pressure to win. However, it does not help build amity. People should understand that creating strong bonds depend not so much on what you do but how you do it. When people become aware of the main goal of those events, which is getting together and spending quality time, then sporting events may serve the purpose of bringing people together.

Secondly, that sort of occasions may cause even a brawl. Since people may not accept the fact that their nation's team could be beaten in a sporting event, after or during the event, they can attack to opponent fans and players. When these kinds of terrible things happen, it often ends up with political problems between related countries.

In conclusion, when it comes to international occasions, people may become much more ambitious, and it is likely to end up with huge problems. I hope that in future, people will support their nations or teams without being combative. If we could be successful in putting friendship over our individual or national ambitions, then those popular events will have beneficial effects on easing international tensions."

 

[Tarheel]

Well-known competitons such as [the] football World Cup are obligatory to soften international relations and release friendly feelings safely.

I'm not sure what you mean by "obligatory" there, but I'm pretty sure you used it wrong. Also, I'm not sure what it means to release friendly feelings safely..
:-?

 

[Erbab]

"Well-known competitions such as football World Cup are vitally important to soften international relations and release nationalistic feelings securely . They are considered as a kind of bridge connecting different nations to each other. However, I totally disagree with this opinion. Aggressive atmosphere of those events often end in a complete chaos."

I have edited it now.

 

[emsr2d2]

"Well-known competitions such as the football World Cup are vitally important to [STRIKE]soften[/STRIKE] improve international relations and to help people release their nationalistic feelings [STRIKE]securely[/STRIKE] in a secure environment. They are considered [STRIKE]as[/STRIKE] to be a kind of bridge connecting different nations to each other. However, I totally disagree with this opinion. The aggressive atmosphere [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] at [STRIKE]those[/STRIKE] such events often [STRIKE]end in a[/STRIKE] leads to them ending in complete chaos."

See above for my suggested changes/corrections.

 

[Tarheel]

Erbab, I used to think I was good at figuring out what a person was trying to say and then offering suggestions for changes. However, I have clearly met my match. (Ems is a genius.)

When somebody says something is vitally important I tend to think it is essential. However, although the World Cup is quite popular we could probably get by without it.

I have to wonder if complete chaos is better or worse than incomplete chaos.

Erbab, you have a habit of inventing new phrases and new usages for words.

You are not at the level that you think you are.

 

[Erbab]

Thank you very much for your help. I feel I am steadily improving after your corrections.

@Tarheel;

I have used "vitally important" there since I wanted to paraphrase the question which is written in my first post. As you can see, "essential" is the adjective which was used to describe sporting occasions. However, I agree with you.

"Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way."


When it comes to "complete", I have looked at a dictionary in which complete chaos is recommended to use. Here is the link;

http://www.freecollocation.com/search?word=chaos

Before using chaos, I wanted to find a good collocation actually. Complete does not sound weird to me since it looks good when I translate it into my native language. This is another problem for a non-native speaker.

I also searched for "disorder" and "mess", "complete" was recommended again. Does "to get things in a complete mess" make sense? I will be careful about it, but what I understand from complete chaos is a state of total confusion. When I searched confusion, I met the "complete" again. So, If you ask me what do you understand from complete confusion, I would say chaos.

 

[emsr2d2]

"Complete chaos", "absolute chaos" and "total chaos" are common collocations in BrE.

 

[Erbab]

After all corrections, is this essay okay now? Do you have more mistakes you may point out?

 

[Tarheel]

After all corrections, is this essay okay now?

Three things. One, I would use the definite article (the) in that sentence. Two, you are right that it wouldn't be appropriate to call it your essay at this point. Three, where is it?

 

[Tarheel]

Do you have more mistakes you may point out?

That sentence doesn't say what you want it to.