Freedom of Mind

[Erbab]

Hi,
I have written an essay and here are some parts from it. I am preparing for IELTS and trying to improve my writing skills. You may fully proofread it or just give me some clues and I can try to correct them.

"Although the freedom of expressing opinions is an essential part of civilized societies, people should make sure not to hurt others’ feelings especially when it comes to some sensitive topics. For instance, in communities where religious people predominate, artists should be more careful while criticizing fundamental concepts of their beliefs. This is because, people are highly likely to be very sensitive about what they believe and this may create a serious conflict between people and artists. In brief, restrictions on artists which cover some specific subjects may be acceptable when their negative effects are considered. In conclusion, intellectual freedom should be promoted by governments and societies since being open to change makes our world a livable place. However, while producing their artwork, creative artists should be aware of people’s mentality to avoid a possible chaos."

 

[jutfrank]

Very good. If the whole essay is this good, you're looking at a high score.

There are a couple of punctuation inaccuracies. Can you find them?

Why haven't you made a new paragraph for your conclusion?

 

[Tarheel]

I don't think chaos is countable. Besides, that's not what they want to avoid.

 

[Erbab]

"Although the freedom of expressing opinions is an essential part of civilized societies, people should make sure not to hurt others’ feelings, especially when it comes to some sensitive topics. For instance, in communities where religious people predominate, artists should be more careful while criticizing fundamental concepts of their beliefs. This is because people are highly likely to be sensitive about what they believe and this may create a serious conflict between people and the public. In brief, restrictions on artists which cover some specific subjects may be acceptable since they help avoid potentially dangerous situations.

In conclusion, intellectual freedom should be promoted by governments and societies since being open to change makes our world a livable place. However, while producing their artwork, creative artists should be aware of people’s mentality to prevent them from getting annoyed. "

Thank you very much for your comments.

Tarheel,

I do not understand why you think the thing they want to avoid is not chaos. I have changed this part of the sentence. However, I wonder why the word "chaos" is not appropriate for there.​

 

[Tarheel]

It is an an interesting subject. There is much that can be said about it.

It is not chaos our unknown artist wants to avoid. It's getting killed for saying the wrong thing that he/she wants to avoid.

I challenge you to write something without using either In brief or In conclusion.

There is probably more that I should respond to.

 

[Tarheel]

The government is always willing to impose additional restrictions. However, I doubt it that they would agree with you about freedom.

 

[tedmc]

You could use "potential conflict" instead of "chaos/dangerous situation".

 

[Tarheel]

I think you should stick with the word artist, especially in the following sentence.

This is because people are highly likely to be sensitive about what they believe, and this may create a conflict between artists and the public.

(Say appropriate there. (No for.))