[Grammar] Are these sentences vague?

[hack3rcon]

Hello,
Is below sentence vague and incomprehensible?

Jasmine sat silent and just looking at them. They were talking about what they wanted to do as soon as they got out of the Key West. Chrissy ate almost a highball glass of whiskey

Nancy was leaning against the wall as she had fallen into eternal sleep

Jason tinkers with himself and conscience-stricken about the wall

Thank you.

 

[Rover_KE]

They make no sense to me.

 

[hack3rcon]

I wrote them myself and I want to know any grammar error or...?

 

[emsr2d2]

[STRIKE]Hello.[/STRIKE] Unnecessary.

[STRIKE]Is[/STRIKE] Are [STRIKE]below[/STRIKE] my sentences below vague and incomprehensible?

1. Jasmine sat silent, [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] just looking at them. They were talking about what they wanted to do as soon as they got out of [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] Key West. Chrissy [STRIKE]ate[/STRIKE] was drinking [STRIKE]almost[/STRIKE] a highball glass of whiskey.

2. Nancy was leaning against the wall as she had fallen into eternal sleep. This is grammatically correct as long as you intended "as" to mean "because". I have no idea what it means though.

3. Jason tinkers with himself and is conscience-stricken about the wall. I can't begin to correct this sentence because I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to say. The underlined parts make no sense.

[STRIKE]Thank you.[/STRIKE] Unnecessary. Thank us after we help you, by clicking on the "Thank" button.

I wrote them myself and I want to know if there are any grammar errors. [STRIKE]or...?[/STRIKE]

Please note my corrections (in red) and comments (in blue and grey) above.

 

[PeterCW]

There are actually five sentences in the passage.

"Eternal sleep", by the way, is a rather old fashioned euphemism for death. Are you really trying to say that Nancy was dead?

 

[hack3rcon]

There are actually five sentences in the passage.

"Eternal sleep", by the way, is a rather old fashioned euphemism for death. Are you really trying to say that Nancy was dead?

Yes but as she sit and leaning against the wall. something like https://www.pinterest.com/pin/657455245582383090/. How can I write it?

 

[hack3rcon]

Thank you so much.
tinkers with himself: I want to say something like "dealing with himself" or "squabbling with himself" because he is upset about what he has done.
conscience-stricken: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/conscience-stricken
How can I write it clearly?

 

[hack3rcon]

He hurt a system. Something like hacking.

 

[emsr2d2]

He hurt a system no full stop here by doing something like hacking it.

You can't hurt a system. You might be able to damage it. Did he hack it or didn't he?

Please remember to write in full sentences.

 

[hack3rcon]

Yes. He hacked a system and because of it, he is upset.

 

[emsr2d2]

Yes. He hacked a system and because of it, he is upset.

Why is he upset? Presumably he hacked the system on purpose. I would expect the owner of the system to be upset.

 

[hack3rcon]

Maybe, but he is upset because this hack causes some people to die.
Can you help me to make "Jason tinkers with himself and is conscience-stricken about the wall." sentence understandable?

Thank you.

 

[hack3rcon]

Yes but as she sit and leaning against the wall. something like https://www.pinterest.com/pin/657455245582383090/. How can I write it?

How can I tell it more clear?

 

[Tarheel]

This and that and the other thing

How can I make it more clear?

Try:

She leaned back against the wall, asleep.

Of course, if she is really dead she is not asleep in the normal sense of the word.

 

[hack3rcon]

Re: This and that and the other thing

Try:

She leaned back against the wall, asleep.

Of course, if she is really dead she is not asleep in the normal sense of the word.

Thank you for your help.
I used "eternal sleep" because she is dead.
Can I use "She leaned back against the wall, as had fallen into eternal sleep." ? Is it OK?

 

[Tarheel]

Re: This and that and the other thing

Thank you for your help. I used "eternal sleep" because she is dead. Can I use "She leaned back against the wall, as if she had fallen into eternal sleep"? Is it OK?

Yes, especially if you are trying to sound poetic.

(Note the changes to the text.)

 

[emsr2d2]

Maybe, but he is upset because this hack causes some people to die.
Can you help me to make "Jason tinkers with himself and is conscience-stricken about the wall." sentence understandable?

Try "Jason was mortified/distraught/horrified about what had happened as a result of his hacking the system."

Definitely don't use "Jason tinkers with himself" - honestly, it made me think he was touching himself in a sexual way.
He's not "conscience-stricken" about a wall. I don't like that hyphenated phrase anyway, but if you must use it, explain that he is "conscience-stricken" about what he did.