[Essay] ...was dusted and...

[rodgers white]

Hi there, would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

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Three days later, just as Lili had predicted, the hunting party returned to their village. Their approach had not gone unnoticed, and preparations were made for an evening feast to welcome them back. They arrived just after lunch to much cheering and words of welcoming. The hunters just wanted to bathe and rest, and after all the fanfare they did just that. Weifeng had taken Lanhua home that morning to make sure the house was dusted and aired for her families return. Lanhua was excited with anticipation of Yang’s reaction to her gift.

Gan and Jingying walked in the house.Yang, was lagging behind, having arrived home he was reminded of Moogh’s absence, so he was in no hurry. When he, at last, came through the doorway, Lanhua ran to him and put her arms around her big brother who despite his sadness picked her up. Lanhua said. “Yang, are you too tired? I have a gift for you. I can give it to you later if you want”.

Yang managed to smile her joyful mood was impossible to ignore. “It’s OK, little sister; I think I have enough energy to receive your lovely gift”.

Lanhua went to retrieve her brother’s gift from Weifeng. “Aunty helped me get it finished on time, but I did all the important work”. She said proudly.

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

Would you please proofread the following text. (Any help would be appreciated.)

Their approach had not gone unnoticed ....

How might you rewrite that so it's more natural?

 

[rodgers white]

Thanks. What about the rest, guys?

 

[Tarheel]

It was a hunting party? What had they brought back with them?

(Say: her family's return.)

 

[teechar]

Also:

Gan and Jingying walked into the house.

Yang managed to smile, and her joyful mood was impossible to ignore.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

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Three days later, just as Lili had predicted, the hunting party returned to their village. Their approach had not gone unnoticed, and preparations were made for an evening feast to welcome them back. They arrived just after lunch to much cheering and words of welcome. The hunters just wanted to bathe and rest, and after all the fanfare they did just that. Weifeng had taken Lanhua home that morning to make sure the house was swept and aired for her family's return. Lanhua was excited with anticipation of Yang’s reaction to her gift.

Gan and Jingying walked in the house. [space] Yang [no comma] was lagging behind. Knowing of Moogh’s absence, [STRIKE]so[/STRIKE] he was in no hurry. When he [no comma] at last [no comma] came through the doorway, Lanhua ran to him and put her arms around her big brother, who despite his sadness picked her up. Lanhua said. “Yang, are you too tired? I have a gift for you. I can give it to you later if you want”.

Yang managed to smile. Lanhua's joyful mood was impossible to ignore. “It’s OK, little sister. I think I have enough energy to receive your lovely gift”.

Lanhua went to retrieve her brother’s gift from Weifeng. “Aunty helped me get it finished on time, but I did all the important work”, she said proudly.

Again, avoid run-on sentences.

 

[Tarheel]

You awitched from active voice to passive for no apparent reason. Also, it's better that the reader focus on the story and not the form. In other words, it's preferable that the reader not be scratching his head and saying "Huh? Why did he say it that way?"

Have you read "Odyssey" by Homer?

 

[rodgers white]

Thanks for your help. I heard about "Odyssey" but never read it. By the way, it's not a hunting party but an escort mission.

 

[Tarheel]

Ying managed to smile. Her happy demeanor was impossible to ignore.

I would change that.

 

[Tarheel]

We use the phrase "She managed a smile" if the person had a good reason to not want to smile.