[Essay] consequences of unemployment

[ambitious-girl]

Hello all,
Could someone please check this paragraph for any mistakes?


There are some consequences of unemployment, ranging from those that affect the individual and his or her family to those that have an impact on the unemployed‘s mental health. Loss of income may be considered to be/be perceived as the most devastating effect of losing jobs. This will result in experiencing a decline in living standards that can significantly contribute to tension-filled family environment as well as continual arguments and quarrels between family members. Having been out of work, the unemployed may gradually be developing negative attitudes towards everything in their lives. Feeling unworthy, losing sense of purpose and having low self-esteem can follow mainly from job losses.


Because I wanted to use something new and different, and I was not sure which of the phrase in bold was better I put both of them.

Having been out of work-> Because they have been out of work. I wanted to use reduce adverb clause of perfect tense.

 

[teechar]

Hello all,
Could someone please check this paragraph for any mistakes?


[STRIKE]There are some consequences of[/STRIKE] Unemployment has many impacts, ranging from those that affect the income of the individual and his or her family to those that affect [STRIKE]have an impact on the unemployed‘s[/STRIKE] the person's mental health. Loss of income may be [STRIKE]considered to be/be perceived as[/STRIKE] the most devastating effect of losing one's job. This [STRIKE]will[/STRIKE] often results in [STRIKE]experiencing[/STRIKE] a decline in living standard that can significantly contribute to tension [STRIKE]-filled family[/STRIKE] in the home environment as well as continual arguments and quarrels between family members. [STRIKE]Having been[/STRIKE] Being out of work for extended periods, the unemployed may gradually [STRIKE]be[/STRIKE] develop [STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE] negative attitudes towards everything in their lives- feeling unworthy, losing their sense of purpose and having low self-esteem. [STRIKE]can follow mainly from job losses.[/STRIKE]

.

 

[Lynxear]

Hello all,
Could someone please check this paragraph for any mistakes?


There are some consequences of unemployment, ranging from those that affect the individual and his or her family to those that have an impact on the unemployed‘s mental health. Loss of income may be considered to be/be perceived as the most devastating effect of losing jobs. This will result in experiencing a decline in living standards that can significantly contribute to tension-filled family environment as well as continual arguments and quarrels between family members. Having been out of work, the unemployed may gradually be developing negative attitudes towards everything in their lives. Feeling unworthy, losing sense of purpose and having low self-esteem can follow mainly from job losses.

I might rewrite your first sentence this way

The consequences of unemployment range from those that affect the individual's financial situation, to the impact on the family and finally the effect on their personal mental health.

This gives you a strong opening sentence that you can build the rest of your paragraph on. Each of the sentences that follows should follow the order shown in the first sentence.

Loss of income may be considered to be the most devastating effect of unemployment.

I like this sentence as a setup for the sentence about the impact on the individual's finances. The use of "may" is an interesting choice on your part. I might suggest "often is" instead of "may be". By using either phrase you are showing that this is the commonly held impact from being unemployed. This allows you to state in a more forceful manner that there is more to unemployment than simple financial loss.

This will result in experiencing a decline in living standards that can significantly contribute to tension-filled family environment as well as continual arguments and quarrels between family members.

I like you to rethink this sentence. I think this could be two sentences instead one. In the first sentence you could describe the effects on the drop in living standard in a little more detail (for example (but not limited to) troubles with meeting rent or mortgage). THEN, in the following sentence discuss how this affects the family. I won't tell you how to do that as I know you will give it thought and a good try.

[STRIKE]Having been out of work, t[/STRIKE]The unemployed may gradually [STRIKE]be [/STRIKE]develop[STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE] negative attitudes towards [STRIKE]everything in their [/STRIKE]life, in addition to feeling unworthy, losing sense of purpose and having low self-esteem. [STRIKE]can follow mainly from job losses.
[/STRIKE]

This is how these last 2 sentences could combined:

The unemployed may gradually develop negative attitudes towards life, in addition to feeling unworthy, losing a sense of purpose and having low self-esteem.

Ok... You have created a decent paragraph except for one final task. You need a final sentence, a summary sentence so to speak.Remember when I said that your sentence with "may be" (or "often is) was a good sentence suggesting that financial impacts are not the only impacts of unemployment? Well in the last sentence you now reinforce that suggestion and tie all three impacts together for a great final comment.

I like what you have done here. You have a couple of things to do yet, but It is a great improvement over your previous essay. Well done.

 

[ambitious-girl]

Thanks Teechar. Thanks for your help. You have always made great and completely new suggestions on our essays.


Thanks Lynxear. Thanks for making your precious time for learners to help improve their essays. You have made really good points. I made following changes:

The consequences of unemployment range from those that affect the individual's financial situation, to the impact on the family and finally the effect on their personal mental health. Loss of income is often considered to be the most devastating effect of unemployment because it will mainly result in a decline in standard of living. The unemployed, for example, may find it difficult to keep up with things/living expenses such as mortgage repayments, rents, bills, etc. [Therefore,] This can significantly contribute to the tension in the home environment as well as continual arguments and quarrels between family members. With the lost income and the frustration involved in it, the unemployed may also gradually develop negative attitudes towards life, in addition to feeling unworthy and dejected, losing a sense of purpose, and having low self-esteem.