He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels.

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels. She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus. She slumped on the bed, sneaking under the duvet. "Don't wanna sleep?" she asked.

"You know something Emily? If I could, I would stay awake forever to look at your hair," he answered.

"Okay. Suit yourself," she said, flicking off the bed lamp.

 

[tedmc]

She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus.

Is that for real?

 

[alpacinou]

She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus.

Is that for real?

What do you mean?

Is the writing correct and natural?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Is this correct and natural?

He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels. She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus. She slumped on the bed, sneaking under the duvet. "Don't wanna sleep?" she asked.

"You know something Emily? If I could, I would stay awake forever to look at your hair," he answered.

"Okay. Suit yourself," she said, flicking off the bed lamp.

And of course he can't suit himself in the dark.

 

[alpacinou]

And of course he can't suit himself in the dark.

Is this a joke or do you mean the idiom doesn't work there?

Is the rest okay?

 

[Tarheel]

Is this correct and natural?

He looked into her eyes, seeing a maze of blood vessels. She was so tired that she saw streaks of red and white darting in and out of focus. She pulled the duvet up over herself. "Don't wanna sleep?" she asked.

"You know something Emily? If I could, I would stay awake forever to look at your hair," he answered.

"Okay. Suit yourself," she said, flicking off the bed lamp.

My suggestion.