Medical school essay help please

[mrdoc]

At the age of ten, my sister and I came to Canada as refugees fleeing from the horrendous civil war that was tearing apart our country. Two years prior, I was abducted by rebel fighters to become a child soldier. Fortunately, my father was able to bargain for my release. In a desperate attempt to rescue my future, my parents decided to send my sister and me to Canada by selling our house to afford the trip. I was terrified of leaving my parents; I would rather face the futile future than go off to a different world. Of course, my parents couldn't force me, giving me a choice instead. They told me that it was just as hard for them to see me go and explained to me the slim chances of my survival. Part of me wanted to take my chances, but the rational part of me knew that my parents were right. I was left with a choice that could destroy my future on one hand or loose my loved ones on the other. It required immense emotional maturity to make the choice to leave. Following my decision to come, I faced incredible difficulty and after two failed attempts, I made it to Canada. Despite being torn apart from my birthplace and family, I did not give up; I was resilient and excited for the future that awaited me.


Any constructive feedback and editing would mean a great deal to me.

 

[teechar]

At the age of ten, my sister and I came to Canada as refugees fleeing from the horrendous civil war that was tearing apart our country. Two years prior, I was abducted by rebel fighters to become a child soldier. Fortunately, my father was able to bargain for my release. In a desperate attempt to rescue my future, my parents decided to send my sister and me to Canada. [STRIKE]by selling[/STRIKE] They had to sell our house to afford the trip. I was terrified of leaving my parents, [STRIKE]; I[/STRIKE] and would have preferred [STRIKE]rather face the[/STRIKE] a futile future in my country than to go off to a faraway part of the [STRIKE]different[/STRIKE] world. Of course, my parents couldn't force me, and they left it up to me to decide. [STRIKE]giving me a choice instead.[/STRIKE] They told me that it was just as hard for them to see me go [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] but also explained to me the slim chances of my survival if I stayed. Part of me wanted to take [STRIKE]my[/STRIKE] a chance on staying in my country, but the rational part [STRIKE]of me[/STRIKE] knew that my parents were right. I [STRIKE]was left with a choice that could[/STRIKE] had to choose between [STRIKE]destroy[/STRIKE] forgetting about my future and living away from my parents. [STRIKE]on one hand or loose my loved ones on the other.[/STRIKE] It required immense emotional maturity to [STRIKE]make the choice[/STRIKE] ultimately decide to leave. Following my decision to [STRIKE]come[/STRIKE] leave for Canada, I faced incredible difficulty and, after two failed attempts, I made it to Canada. Despite being torn [STRIKE]apart[/STRIKE] away from my [STRIKE]birthplace[/STRIKE] home country and my family, I did not give up; I was resilient, and I felt excited [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] about the future that awaited me.

Even though I crossed it out, "loose" (an adjective) is not the same as "lose" (a verb).

 

[Tarheel]

Re:

Fortunately, my father was able to bargain for my release.

That's fine, but it doesn't indicate success. Perhaps:

Fortunately for me, my father bargained with the rebel soldiers and was able to secure my release.