[Cover Letter] Please, review my cover letter

[efaan]

Hello,

I am a french student applying for an Erasmus mobility, this why I wrote this cover letter. It's the most important part of my application so it would mean the world to me if someone mastering the english language accepted to review and correct it for me. Here is my cover letter :


" As a second year student in a French equivalent of a Bachelor’s degree of Economics and Management currently at the University of Montpellier (France), I am writing to apply for the Erasmus programme for the 206-2017 academic year. I would like to spend the next academic year of my study course at the University College of Cork in Ireland. This would be the greatest experience of my life, allowing me to shape the future that I want.
Firstly, it would be the best way to improve my English skills that I mostly gained through school and watching TV shows. I would fully be immersed in an English-speaking country for the very first time. It is important to highlight the fact that the knowing of English is crucial for the field I am studying in but also for my professional plan. I intend to own a company, thus I need strong language skills and opened mind that I can earn through the Erasmus programme. The University College of Cork is my only wish because it will provide to me all of those abilities. Indeed, I would better myself at English, discover other cultures and way of thinking and also, I would have the honour of being trained in a worldwide known University.
Secondly, given the fact that I am a hardworking, brilliant and ambitious student, I will adjust easily to an English-speaking country, and be able to follow courses such as economics, commerce and finance.

Should you need further information regarding my application and motivation, please feel free to contact me. Thank you very much for your precious consideration.

Yours faithfully, "



I thank you very much for the time you granted to me.

Efaan.

 

[Tarheel]

You need to space between paragraphs. Other than that, I suggest that that you proofread for errors. (I found at least one.)

 

[tedmc]

As a second year student in a French equivalent of a Bachelor’s degree of Economics and Management currently at the University of Montpellier (France), I am writing to apply for the Erasmus programme for the 206-2017 academic year. I would like to spend the next academic year of my study course at the University College of Cork in Ireland. This would be the greatest experience of my life, allowing me to shape the future that I want.

I am a second-year student at the University of Montpellier, France, doing a French equivalent of a Bachelor's degree in Economics and Management. I wish to apply for the Erasmus programme at the University of Cork, Ireland, to continue my studies for the 2016-2017 academic year. I believe the opportunity to study in the university would be a great experience for me and would be beneficial for my future.

 

[teechar]

Can you provide more info about your achievements (academic and otherwise), interests/hobbies and career objectives?

 

[efaan]

First of all, thank you very much for your reviews. I changed the first paragraph, as tedmc suggested it. Then, I proofread it and found some errors myself.
Unfortunately, I can't give more information about my achievements, interest and hobbies because I don't have anything else to add without starting to lie.

Here you can find the second version of my cover letter, hopefully, the last:

"I am a second-year student at the University Of Montpellier, France, doing a French equivalent of a Bachelor’s degree in Economics and Management. I wish to apply for the Erasmus programme at the University College Of Cork, Ireland, to continue my studies for the 2016-2017 academic year. I believe the opportunity to study in this very University would be a great experience for me, and would be beneficial for my future.

Firstly, it would be the best way to improve my English skills that I mostly gained through school and watching TV shows. I would fully be immersed in an English-speaking country for the first time. It is important to highlight the fact that the knowing of English is crucial for the field I am studying in but also for my professional plan. I intend to own a company, thus, I need strong language skills and an opened mind that I can both earn through the Erasmus programme. The University College of Cork is my only wish because it will provide to me all of those abilities. Indeed, I would better myself at English, discover other cultures and way of thinking and also, I would have the honour of being trained in a worldwide known University.

Secondly, given the fact that I am a hard-working, brilliant and ambitious student, I will adjust easily to an English-speaking country, and be able to follow courses such as economics, commerce and finance.

Should you need further information regarding my application and motivation, please feel free to contact me. Thank you very much for your precious consideration.

Yours faithfully, "

efaan

 

[teechar]

"I am a second-year student at the University Of Montpellier, France, doing the French equivalent of a bachelor’s degree in Economics and Management. I wish to apply for the Erasmus programme at [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] University College [STRIKE]Of[/STRIKE] Cork, Ireland, to continue my studies for the 2016-2017 academic year. I believe the opportunity to study [STRIKE]in this very[/STRIKE] at your university would be a great experience for me and would be beneficial for my future.

Firstly, it would be the best way to improve my English skills that I mostly gained through school and watching TV shows. I would fully be immersed in an English-speaking country for the first time. It is important to highlight the fact that [STRIKE]the knowing[/STRIKE] a good command of English is crucial for the field I am studying [STRIKE]in but also[/STRIKE] as well as for my [STRIKE]professional[/STRIKE] future career. [STRIKE]plan.[/STRIKE] I intend to [STRIKE]own a[/STRIKE] establish my own company; thus, I need the strong language skills and [STRIKE]an opened mind[/STRIKE] invaluable experience that I can both [STRIKE]earn[/STRIKE] obtain through the Erasmus programme. [STRIKE]The[/STRIKE] University College [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] Cork is my [STRIKE]only wish[/STRIKE] primary choice because it will [STRIKE]provide to[/STRIKE] help me achieve my goals, especially the aforementioned ones. [STRIKE]all of those abilities.[/STRIKE] Indeed, I would [STRIKE]better myself at[/STRIKE] improve English, discover [STRIKE]other[/STRIKE] a new culture and way of thinking and also [STRIKE]I would[/STRIKE] have the honour of being trained in a [STRIKE]worldwide known[/STRIKE] world-class university.

Secondly, given the fact that I am a hard-working, [STRIKE]brilliant[/STRIKE] enthusiastic and ambitious student, I trust that I will adjust easily to an English-speaking country and be able to follow courses such as economics, commerce and finance.

Should you need further information regarding my application and motivation, please feel free to contact me. Thank you very much for your precious consideration.

Yours faithfully,

Efaan XYZ

.

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

I can't add anything without lying.

(Lying is like breathing. You either do it or you don't. There is no "starting" to it.)

You have received invaluable help here. You are on your own your own now. (Well, you can still ask more questions.)