What changes should be made?

[Steve]

Hi,
I am a tutor for Wyzant (not for English!). I receive a daily list of students/parents for need help in my field, math. I get to write a message to them basically trying to convince them to hire me over everyone else who replies.

I was hoping that you folks can please make some comments, after you finish laughing, about how I can make my message better (aka rewriting it!).

For the record, I volunteer my time on a math help forum.

Thank you,

Steven



First I want to say that to build up my business with Wyzant I am offering for a limited time one free hour of tutoring in exchange for a nice feedback.

My name is Steven XXXX. I am a retired college math professor and a professional math tutor with over 10,000 hours of tutoring experience. As a result I can assist you with any course or test prep you need help with.

Unlike many educators I have my degrees in Mathematics- not in education. As a trained mathematician I naturally think in a mathematical way. I just do not memorize how to do problems but rather I understand what is involved in solving a problem. In my honest opinion this is what you want in a math tutor. Since I understand the steps in solving a problem I can teach you in a way that is so obvious that you will remember much of what I show you for life.

Having been a private tutoring for over 35 years I learned how to teach in many different styles. After one or two sessions I will figure out your learning style and we will be a perfect match from there. Many years ago I said that I saw it all. These days I saw it all twice.

I have a huge smart board (electronic whiteboard) and anything I write on it will instantly appear on your computer monitor. This type of tutoring is far better than face to face tutoring since I record the entire sessions which you will have access to. You can watch the recording whenever you like as often as you like. I'd like to see an in person tutor do better than that!

The software I use is far better than using Wyzant's online software, as one needs to write with a mouse with their software while I get to write with a marker with my software. I literally can write three times faster with a marker compared to writing with a mouse. Of course this means that we get more work done per hours using my software.

I assure you that if you give me a try (and it is for free!) you will be happy. You can contact me through Wyzant or call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.
Thank you,
Steven

 

[TheParser]

NOT A TEACHER


Hello, Steven:

1. I agree with you: your message needs rewriting. In my opinion, it is too long and may deter some people from reading it.

2. Here are a few respectful suggestions:

a. Do not start with "First … with Wyzant." Just say that "I am offering one free hour of math tutoring in exchange for your honest feedback regarding my methods."

b. In your second paragraph, delete the first and the third sentences.

c. Rework the third paragraph. Do not appear to criticize other tutors or brag too much about yourself. I would keep only sentences #3 and #5.

d. In your fourth paragraph, keep only the second sentence.

e. In the fifth paragraph, definitely delete the last sentence.

f. In your sixth paragraph, it would be more diplomatic to say something like: "The software I use is different from Wyzant's , as one …." Delete the last sentence in that paragraph.

g. In your closing paragraph, drop the first sentence. (It is not necessary to say "My name is Steven XXX" earlier in your message. Giving your name and surname at the end of your message is sufficient.)


Best wishes. I hope that you recruit many students.

 

[emsr2d2]

Saying that you offer a free hour of tuition in return for a good review is tantamount to bribery.