XXX (country's name) is proud

[Untaught88]

Hi,

Can you please find out my mistakes in the following paragraph?

"XXX (country's name) is proud of its/her youngsters particularly its students who have always been on front line in every of trial and need. You are nation builders of future, therefore bring discipline and balance in your personality. Get proper education and training. You should remain active and ready."

 

[teechar]

always been onfront line in everyof trial and need.

I don't understand how youngsters/students can be always on the front line!
Please rewrite that using clear and simple language.

You should remain active and ready."

What's that supposed to mean?

 

[Untaught88]

...always been on front line in every hour of trial and need...

When the country needs any kinds of help, students are ready to do.

Should I use "They should remain active and ready"?

 

[teechar]

"XXX (country's name) is proud of its/her youngsters particularly its/her students who have always been on the front line in [STRIKE]every[/STRIKE] times of trial and need. You are the nation builders of the future; therefore, [STRIKE]bring[/STRIKE] be disciplined and balanced. [STRIKE]in your personality.[/STRIKE] Get proper education and training. You should remain active and ready for when your country needs you."

It still sounds like something you would say to soldiers not students.

 

[Untaught88]

Thank you, teeachar.

In my country, it's not strange to tell that to students.

Is "...in every hour of trial..." incorrect?

Is "...bring discipline and..." incorrect?

 

[teechar]

Is "...in every hour of trial..." incorrect?

Is "...bring discipline and..." incorrect?

Insofar as being unnatural, then yes.

 

[Tarheel]

If that had been addressed to me I would want to know what kind of front line I was supposed to be on and what I was supposed to be ready for.

 

[TheParser]

***** NOT A TEACHER *****


Hello, Untaught:

I only wanted to make three respectful comments.

1. I am uncomfortable with the words "particularly its students."

a. I think those words hurt the feelings of the non-students.

b. I think that it would be better to say something like: "Jupiter is proud of all its young people."

2. I am confused by your use of the word "youngster."

a. That word is often used to refer to young children.

i. Perhaps you are referring to young children. If (that is) so, then it's fine.

b. If you are referring to teenagers and especially twentysomethings (those people who are 20 - 29 years old), then I think that "young people" would be more appropriate.


3. I think that some strict writing teachers would ask: To whom are you speaking?

a. In your first sentence, you seem to be addressing your readers. ("Jupiter is proud of its young people.")
b. In your other sentences, you are addressing the young people. ("You should be as educated, self-disciplined, and ethical as possible so that you can be prepared to meet any future challenges.")
c. IF you are, indeed, talking to the young people, then maybe you should change your first sentence to something like: "Jupiter is very proud of you young people."