You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation

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By: Deborah Tannen
(65 customer reviews)
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EDITORIAL REVIEW

Deborah Tannen's #1 New York Timesbestseller You Just Don’t Understand revolutionized communication between women and men. Now, in her most provocative and engaging book to date, she takes on what is potentially the most fraught and passionate connection of women’s lives: the mother-daughter relationship.
It was Tannen who first showed us that men and women speak different languages. Mothers and daughters speak the same language–but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence. Both mothers and daughters want to be seen for who they are, but tend to see the other as falling short of who she should be. Each overestimates the other’s power and underestimates her own.
Why do daughters complain that their mothers always criticize, while mothers feel hurt that their daughters shut them out? Why do mothers and daughters critique each other on the Big Three–hair, clothes, and weight–while longing for approval and understanding? And why do they scrutinize each other for reflections of themselves?
Deborah Tannen answers these and many other questions as she explains why a remark that would be harmless coming from anyone else can cause an explosion when it comes from your mother or your daughter. She examines every aspect of this complex dynamic, from the dark side that can shadow a woman throughout her life, to the new technologies like e-mail and instant messaging that are transforming mother-daughter communication. Most important, she helps mothers and daughters understand each other, the key to improving their relationship.
With groundbreaking insights, pitch-perfect dialogues, and deeply moving memories of her own mother, Tannen untangles the knots daughters and mothers can get tied up in. Readers will appreciate Tannen’s humor as they see themselves on every page and come away with real hope for breaking down barriers and opening new lines of communication. Eye-opening and heartfelt, You’re Wearing That? illuminates and enriches one of the most important relationships in our lives.

“Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations." – The San Francisco Chronicle 



From the Hardcover edition.

PRODUCT DETAILS

Publisher: Ballantine Books
Pub. Date: 26th December 2006
Catalog: Book
Media: Paperback
Number Of Pages: 304
Ean: 9780812972665
Isbn: 081297266X

ABOUT THIS BOOK

USER REVIEWS

"No, I put it on to mess with your mind."
~ Written on Jun 27, 2009. out of users found this review helpful.

I bought Ms. Tannen's book as another step in getting on better terms with my mother (something I've been attempting for many years). In reading it I started seeing myself as The Mom, and considering the relationships I have with my daughters!

It was, for the most part, helpful even though her advice is not really new - it is relative to any human dynamic. The import to her book is that as mothers we feel that omnipotent position we had when our children were babies and needed us to be Godlike, and evidently have a hard time retiring from it.

While I took away resolutions for my relationships with my mother AND my daughters, I didn't recommend it to any of them. I found some of the conversations she recounted so incredibly sad, the relationships obviously so miserable, I was left with a profound melancholy.

It wasn't something I wanted to share with the people I care the most about.


tough read
~ Written on Apr 10, 2009. out of 2 users found this review helpful.

This book was hard to get through, I dropped it after the first couple pages. It seemed like an interesting topic, but I had more fun reading Slut! by Leora Tanenbaum. Deborah Tannen is also really boring to watch, she's not a very engaging speaker, and the same applies for her writing.

Even for non english speakers
~ Written on Mar 22, 2009. 1 out of 1 users found this review helpful.

Highly recommended for all daughters even if you don't speak to your mother in English. Also recommended for sons.

Great for women AND men!
~ Written on Nov 15, 2008. 1 out of 1 users found this review helpful.

Another reviewer said it best when she asked if Tannen knew her and her daughter. I called my mother several times over the course of reading this book, laughing about conversations we've had IDENTICAL to those in this book. What I love about Tannen is that none of the information she delivers is revolutionary, it's the way she collects, organizes, and details it that makes it useful and interesting to general audiences. And while I highly recommend this book to women, I'd love for men to read it as well; I think it would give them great insight into a relationship that often leaves them shaking their head.

Great
~ Written on Aug 2, 2008. out of users found this review helpful.

Great book for the parents of children, and should be read by the children as well.

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