Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

[Marina Gaidar]

Hi! Here is an abstract from the fantasy style text which I'm trying to translate. Help me, please, to edit it. It should sound archaic, so the use of some archaic or old-fashioned words would be just great!

"YARYLO
We were so reckless. We let Marena follow us…
ARDEYA
(strokes his hair soothingly)
Sh… you must not worry now…
YARYLO
How long does it take to get to Polestar village?
ARDEYA
About two hours with a good horse and less than ten minutes with Marena’s ash sorcery.
YARYLO
So she has been there already…
ARDEYA
May be Marena is an artful foe…
YARYLO
(ironically)
May be?
ARDEYA
…but she has one major vice. She tends to underestimate her rivals.
YARYLO
What do you mean?
ARDEYA
Too overweening, Marena made no effort to conceal her presence. As soon as I discovered her following us, I led her astray and headed for this stronghold to ask for protection. So now Marena is probably a little bit… disappointed.

 

[emsr2d2]

I only have two problems with it as far as sense is concerned:

1) What is "ash sorcery"?
2) There is no such word as "overweened".

 

[Marina Gaidar]

I only have two problems with it as far as sense is concerned:

1) What is "ash sorcery"?
2) There is no such word as "overweened".

1) Well, ash sorcery is a kind of sorcery when somebody uses ash to do magic.
2) By overweened I meant self-assured.

 

[5jj]

May be Marena is an artful foe…

It may be that Marena is an artful foe ...
Maybe Marena is an artful foe...

 

[emsr2d2]

1) Well, ash sorcery is a kind of sorcery when somebody uses ash to do magic.
2) By overweened I meant self-assured.

1. Does "ash sorcery" exist or have you made it up?
2. What's wrong with the phrase "self-assured" then? Where did you find "overweened"?

 

[Marina Gaidar]

1. Does "ash sorcery" exist or have you made it up?
2. What's wrong with the phrase "self-assured" then? Where did you find "overweened"?

1) I've made it up
2) Nothing is wrong with self-assured. I just thought that overweened sounded more archaic. I found it on dictionary.com. Maybe I used in a wrong way.

 

[emsr2d2]

It may be archaic. I'd just never heard it and I would be inclined to think that's probably the case for the majority of people. I'm not generally a fan of writing which has me reaching for the dictionary. There is nothing about the word "overweened" which gives a clue to its meaning so it would have to be looked up.

Can you post the link to "overweened". I can only find hits for "overween" (verb) and "overweening".

 

[Stephanie S]

It is a verb, but I guess it can be used in the past participle as an adjective. I seem to remember it from Shakespeare maybe...

 

[5jj]

'Overweened' would suggest that someone had been overweening towards her, which is not what you want to say. (Compare 'patronising' and 'patronised'.) You can use archaic (or even invented) words in a fantasy novel, but you need to be sure that they could function grammatically.