[Essay] Please help edit my TOEFL Essay

Status
Not open for further replies.

Saraj Zhou

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
China
Current Location
China
Your friend is going to reduce living expenses, what of the following way would you recommend to your friend and why? Find a roommate or housemate to share the living expenses; buy some technology products(like the latest mobile phone) less frequently; shop for less expensive food to cook at home or go to the restaurant less frequently.


Most people live alone in a renting apartment with high living expenses. Some of them are struggling to reduce the living expenses by looking for a roommate to share live expenses, purchasing technology product less frequently, or buying discount food and cooking at home. If my friend asked me for advice, I would probably say the most practical and effective solution would be finding a roommate decline the living expenses.

There is much to be said for having a roommate. Firstly, as well as sharing a monthly renting fee, a roommate can also bear half of the cost of utilities and both of which are inevitable in each monthly bill. To illustrate, I have been sharing a apartment with my friend since I graduated in 2017. Including rent, utilities, WIFI, and property management fee, each of us paid around RMB1,500 each month, which means both of us have been saving about RMB18,000 a year. In contrast, my colleague, who lives alone, has spent third fouth of her salary to pay for thoes fee alone, much less than to have some deposit. Therefore, for the sake of reduction of living expenses, I would highly recommend my friend to find a housemate.

Having a roommate could be in favour of to the decrease in demand of technology product and a encouragement for cooking at home rather than going to restaurants. The merits of living with other people is that they can share whatever they have to each other, including electric products and food. For example, my computor that I only used for a few times a month, was accidentially broken. When I was planning to buy a new one, my roommate said she would love to share hers to me so that I could save the money. Moreover, most people dislike having dinner alone for the reasons that it is hard to cook for only one person; and it is too much work for one person to cook everyday. However, two people can have more choices and lessen the amount of work. For instance, I and my roommate usually have 3 dishes each time and we cook in turn. Hence, I would advice my friend to look for a roommate to achieve her goal of diminishing spent.

In summary, through living with a roommate, people can not only to reduce their living expense like rent and utilities, but also to diminish the demands for purchasing electric product and having dinner ouside. It is fair to say that finding a roommate to share living expenses is the best way to cut down the living budget.
 

tedmc

VIP Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
Malaysia
Current Location
Malaysia
Where did you get the essay topic from? There are grammatical errors in the topic itself.
 

Saraj Zhou

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
China
Current Location
China
I don't remember but I found it online.
 

emsr2d2

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
UK

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
First sent. Try:

Your friend wants to reduce living expenses.

Feel free to fix the rest yourself.

First sentence:

Most people live alone in an appointment with a high rent.

If you really believe that, OK ..
 

tedmc

VIP Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
Malaysia
Current Location
Malaysia
Your friend [STRIKE]is going to[/STRIKE] wants to reduce her living expenses. [STRIKE]what of the following way would [/STRIKE] What would you recommend to [STRIKE] your friend[/STRIKE] her from the following options and why? The options are: find a roommate or housemate to share [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] living expenses; b[STRIKE]uy some[/STRIKE] cut down on the purchase of technology products (like the latest mobile phone)[STRIKE] less frequently[/STRIKE]; shop for less expensive food to cook at home or [STRIKE]go to the[/STRIKE] reduce eating out [STRIKE]at restaurant [/STRIKE][STRIKE]less frequently[/STRIKE].


Most people live alone in [STRIKE]a renting apartment[/STRIKE] rented apartments [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] incurring high living expenses. Some of them [STRIKE]are struggling [/STRIKE] struggle to reduce [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] living expenses by looking for a roommate to share [STRIKE]live[/STRIKE] the expenses. The other options are: [STRIKE]purchasing[/STRIKE] cutting down on the purchase of technology product [STRIKE]less frequently[/STRIKE], or buying [STRIKE]discount[/STRIKE] inexpensive food and cooking at home. If my friend asked me for advice, I would probably say the most practical and effective solution would be[STRIKE] finding[/STRIKE] to find a roommate [STRIKE]decline the [/STRIKE] to share and thus reduce living expenses.

My shot at the first two paragraphs.
 
Last edited:

tedmc

VIP Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
Malaysia
Current Location
Malaysia
[STRIKE]
There is much to be said for having a roommate. Firstly, as well as[/STRIKE] The advantage of having a roommate is that, in addition to being able to share [STRIKE]sharing[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]monthly[/STRIKE] the rent[STRIKE]ing fee[/STRIKE], a roommate can also bear half of the costs of utilities, [STRIKE]and [/STRIKE]both of which are [STRIKE]inevitable in each monthly bill[/STRIKE] recurring monthly expenses. To illustrate, I have been sharing a apartment with my friend since I graduated in 2017. [STRIKE]Including[/STRIKE] For rent, utilities, WIFI, and property management fee, each of us paid around RMB1,500 each month, which means both of us have been saving about RMB18,000 a year. In contrast, my colleague (no comma) who lives alone, [STRIKE]has spent[/STRIKE] spends [STRIKE]third fouth[/STRIKE] three quarter of her salary to pay for [STRIKE]thoes [/STRIKE] the fee (what fees?) alone, much less than to have some deposit (what do you mean?). Therefore, for the sake of reduction of living expenses, I would highly recommend my friend to find a housemate.

Having a roommate could be in favour of to the decrease in demand of (incorrect expression. Reduces the desire for? How is that so?) technology products and [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] is an encouragement for cooking at home rather than going to restaurants. The merits (advantage) of living with other people[STRIKE] is[/STRIKE] is that they can share [STRIKE]whatever they have (are you sure?) [/STRIKE] things [STRIKE] to [/STRIKE] with each other, including electric products (applicances) and food. For example, my [STRIKE] computor[/STRIKE] computer that I only used for a few times a month, [STRIKE]was accidentially[/STRIKE] accidentally [STRIKE]broken[/STRIKE] broke down. When I was planning to buy a new one, my roommate said she would love to share hers [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] with me so that I could save the money. Moreover, most people dislike having dinner (meals) alone for the reason[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] that it is hard to cook for only one person; and it is too much work for one person to cook everyday. However, two people can have more choices and lessen the amount of work. For instance,[STRIKE] I and[/STRIKE] my roommate and I usually have [STRIKE]3[/STRIKE] three dishes each time and we take turns to cook[STRIKE] in turn[/STRIKE]. Hence, I would advice my friend to look for a roommate to achieve her goal of[STRIKE] diminishing spent[/STRIKE] cutting down on spending/expenditure.

In summary, through living with a roommate, people can not only [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] reduce their living expenses like rent and utilities, but also [STRIKE]to diminish the [/STRIKE][STRIKE]demands[/STRIKE] reduce the need for purchasing electric products and having dinner outside (eating out). It is fair to say that finding a roommate to share living [STRIKE]expenses [/STRIKE] costs is the best way to cut down [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] living [STRIKE]budget[/STRIKE] expenses.

Corrections for third to fifth paragraphs.
 
Last edited:

Saraj Zhou

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
China
Current Location
China
Thanks for helpping me find the correct question!
 

Saraj Zhou

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
China
Current Location
China
You are right.
I should tried to use the dictionary to fix it by myself first. So that I can have a profound understanding of my mistake.
 

Saraj Zhou

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
China
Current Location
China
Thank you very much!!
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
First sent. Try:

Your friend wants to reduce living expenses.

Feel free to fix the rest yourself.

First sentence:

Most people live alone in an appointment with a high rent.

If you really believe that, OK ..

There are two mistakes there. Can you find them?
:?:
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
You are right.

Who is right about what?


I should tried to use the dictionary to fix it by myself first.

Try:

I should have rewritten it myself first.


So that I can have a profound understanding of my mistake.

I don't know what you mean by that.
:-?

The word "try" is common enough that you should definitely learn it, but you should definitely learn how to use it the right way.

If I am talking about someone living in an apartment I may or may not mention that he's paying rent. (It would be taken for granted anyway.)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top