Need your help in checking readability!

[Hancewicz]

Hi everyone! ) I'm trying to write in English and I really
need some native speakers to check the text's readability!
So, if you please, I have this little passage for you!


"The night was filled with slightly chilly air of early spring.
The typical city's sounds, those of speeding cars, leaving
behind choking, rushing skyward whiffs of dust, and people's
constant buzzing chatter, were slowly dying away. Weakening
hollow din was retreating, it seemed, to the distant, menacing
outskirts, where it was kept in dark and damp, enormous
underground chamber by some powerful, shadowlike guard
until morning light..."

 

[Tdol]

How about:

The typical city sounds - those of speeding cars, leaving behind choking, rushing skyward whiffs of dust, and people's constant buzzing chatter - were slowly dying away.

It reduces the commas and makes it easier to link the subject to the verb. I'd consider going on a (slightly) reduced adjective/adverb diet, but that's just one person's view. :up:

 

[Hancewicz]

Oh! Thank you! Does everything else read all right? )

I edited some pieces. So...

"The night was filled with the slightly chilly air of early spring.
The typical city's sounds - those of speeding cars, leaving
behind choking, rushing skyward whiffs of dust, and people's
constant buzzing chatter - were slowly dying away. Weakening
hollow din was retreating, it seemed, to the distant, menacing
outskirts, where it was kept in a dark and damp, enormous
underground chamber by some powerful, shadowlike guard
until morning light..."

Does this read okay? )