One day a king

[Untaught88]

Hi, Please point out my mistakes in the following paragraph. Be close to my translation, if possible.

One day a king was going somewhere. He saw a group of many slaves. The king liked one of those slaves very much. He went towards him and kicked him hard. The slave retaliated by kicking the king back. The king smiled happily. He paid the price for the slave and ordered for him to be freed. His spirit of freedom is still alive in him.

 

[emsr2d2]

"One day a king was going somewhere" is a bit vague. It would be clearer and more interesting as something like "One day, a king was travelling through the city/countryside ...". Note the comma after "One day".

I would connect the first two sentences as they are very short and choppy. "One day, a king was travelling through the countryside when he saw a large group of slaves". Note that "a large group of slaves" is much more natural than "a group of many slaves".

The next two sentences don't fit well together. Until we read the end of the story it doesn't make sense that the king would kick someone he liked. That's not normal behaviour. I would say something like "One slave caught the king's attention and he kicked the slave very hard".

I would connect later sentences too: "The king smiled (you don't need "happily" here), bought the slave and immediately set him free".

At the end, it's not clear whether the spirit of freedom is still alive in the king or in the slave. Logically, we assume it's the slave but in the rest of the piece, "he" refers to the king.

 

[Untaught88]

Thank you very much, emsr2d2

Should I use the comma after "One day" every time it comes at the beginning of a sentence?

Shouldn't I use "happily" after "smile"?

 

[emsr2d2]

Context will dictate whether or not you use a comma after "One day".

One day, I will become a lawyer.
One day of the week is Monday.

Although it's possible for someone to have, for example, a "wry smile" on their face, in your piece it seems to be clear that his smile is one of at least mild happiness so I don't think "happily" is necessary. Unless it's a different kind of smile, saying "He smiled" generally indicates happiness.

 

[Untaught88]

Thank you, emsr2d2.

It arises another question. Should I use the comma when a pronoun or noun comes after ''One day"?

One day, Angelica came...
One day, my father went...
One day, they went...

 

[emsr2d2]

I almost never use the word always, but yes.

 

[tedmc]

It [STRIKE]arises[/STRIKE] raises another question. Should I use the comma when a pronoun or noun comes after ''One day"?
Yes, you should.