[Essay] Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

[rodgers white]

Hello, there. My students were asked to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of square dance and give their own opinions. And finally, I want to give them a possible version. Will someone, who is kind enough, check it and make some corrections and improvements? I really appreciate your help. The possible version goes as follows:

Nowadays, square dance is very popular in China. Many people exercise square dance every day and they become healthier than before now. They can also make more friends when they dance with others, so they enjoy it a lot. But some people think the music is too noisy for the children to do their homework. Sometimes people can't have a good sleep.
Of course square dance is a good activity for people to keep healthy, but they also need to turn down the music in order to keep our environment some quiet.

 

[teechar]

Nowadays, square dancing is very popular in China. Many people [STRIKE]exercise square dance[/STRIKE] practise it every day, and they have become healthier as a result. [STRIKE]than before now.[/STRIKE] They can also make more friends when they dance with others, so they enjoy it a lot. But some [STRIKE]people[/STRIKE] local residents think the music is too noisy for their children to do their homework. Sometimes people also say they can't [STRIKE]have a good[/STRIKE] sleep because of the loud music.
Of course, square dancing is a good activity for people to keep healthy, but they also need to turn down the music in order to avoid issues associated with noise. [STRIKE]keep our environment some quiet.[/STRIKE]
​

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[rodgers white]

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First, thanks again for your help. And I have a kind of thought about "also" in my composition. Can I write something like "... Besides, they can make more friends when they dance with others..." to avoid the repetition of "also" here? For the same reason, I prefer to write "However, some local residents think..." to avoid the repetition of "but". So the whole writing goes as follows:

Nowadays, square dancing is very popular in China. Many people practise it every day, and they have become healthier as a result. Besides, they can make more friends when they dance with others, so they enjoy it a lot. However, some local residents think the music is too noisy for their children to do their homework. Sometimes people also say they can't sleep because of the loud music.
Of course, square dancing is a good activity for people to keep healthy, but at the same time they need to turn down the music in order to avoid issues associated with noise and keep a quiet environment.

 

[teechar]

Delete "keep a quiet environment"; it's not very natural. Otherwise, your text is okay.

 

[emsr2d2]

RodgersWhite, I have a bit of an issue with your post. You are an English teacher, a job for which, presumably, you are being paid. You should be able to give your students a grammatically correct paragraph without any assistance. If you are unable to do that, how can you teach them? If we look at the number of errors in your paragraph (clearly corrected by teechar in post #2), we can see that you have quite a few problems.

The issue I have is that you, a paid teacher, are now going to give your students a piece of writing that you weren't actually able to write yourself and which, in fact, we (volunteers) wrote and which, presumably, you will pass off as being your own work to both your students and your employers. Can you see how that is unfair both on us and on your students?

 

[rodgers white]

Delete "keep a quiet environment"; it's not very natural. Otherwise, your text is okay.

I really appreciate your help!

 

[rodgers white]

RodgersWhite, I have a bit of an issue with your post. You are an English teacher, a job for which, presumably, you are being paid. You should be able to give your students a grammatically correct paragraph without any assistance. If you are unable to do that, how can you teach them? If we look at the number of errors in your paragraph (clearly corrected by teechar in post #2), we can see that you have quite a few problems.

The issue I have is that you, a paid teacher, are now going to give your students a piece of writing that you weren't actually able to write yourself and which, in fact, we (volunteers) wrote and which, presumably, you will pass off as being your own work to both your students and your employers. Can you see how that is unfair both on us and on your students?

I understand what you feel and I am really sorry.To be honest with you, many English teachers ,like me in middle schools of rural areas in China, have a low English proficiency because of various reasons. Teachers with a high level of English proficiency usually don't want to teach in a country school in a small place because there are many better jobs waiting for them in big cities. Thus, English teachers are badly needed in these rural areas. What's worse, we have few chances to speak English with native speakers and practise writing with English-speaking pen pals. Thanks to the Internet, I found this wonderful English -learning website last year. So I can improve my English proficiency now with your selfless help. I am not a lazy teacher, and I have been working hard these years. I listen to the English radios and watch Sky News on my computer every day.I often take notes while seeing tweets and reading English books.I just want to be a good teacher. As a matter of fact, I can choose other jobs, which give me much better pay than being a teacher(In China, teachers usually have a low salary,especially for rural teachers.) However, I love my students and English. That's the reason why I still stay where I am. More importantly, I feel what I am doing is meaningful and I am not alone. With your sincere and kind help, I can offer my students a better service , which is not for money but for their better future. So my gratitude is just beyond words. Finally, I want to make it clear that the corrected version of writing is never passed off as my own work.Actually, in class I always tell my students that there is a great website, which is helping us with our English all the time.That is "https://www.usingenglish.com". It is your hard work that makes my dream and my students' dreams more beautiful and real. Thank you for everything you've done for my students and me ,and wish you a happy and peaceful 2017!

 

[tedmc]

Delete "keep a quiet environment"; it's not very natural.

How about "to preserve/maintain a peaceful/quiet environment"? Of course it is quite simillar to "to avoid issues associated with noise".

I understand [STRIKE][STRIKE]what[/STRIKE][/STRIKE] how you feel and I am really sorry.(space)To be honest with you, many English teachers (no comma here and no space before a comma) like me in middle schools of rural areas in China (no comma) have a low English proficiency because of various reasons. Teachers with a high level of English proficiency usually don't want to teach in a country school in a small place because there are many better jobs waiting for them in big cities. Thus, English teachers are badly needed in these rural areas. What's worse, we have [STRIKE][STRIKE]few chances [/STRIKE][/STRIKE] very little opportunity to speak English with native speakers and practise writing with English-speaking pen-pals. Thanks to the Internet, I found this wonderful English -learning website last year. So I can improve my English proficiency now with your selfless help. I am not a lazy teacher, and I have been working hard these years. I listen to [STRIKE][STRIKE]the [/STRIKE][/STRIKE]English radios and watch Sky News on my computer every day. (space after a full-stop) I often take notes while seeing tweets and reading English books. I just want to be a good teacher. As a matter of fact, I can choose other jobs, which give me much better pay than being a teacher(In China, teachers usually have a low salary, (space) especially for rural teachers.) However, I love my students and English. That's the reason why I still stay where I am. More importantly, I feel what I am doing is meaningful and I am not alone. With your sincere and kind help, I can offer my students a better service(no space), which is not for money but for their better future. So my gratitude is just beyond words. Finally, I want to make it clear that the corrected version of writing is [STRIKE][STRIKE]never [/STRIKE][/STRIKE] not meant to be passed off as my own work.(space) Actually, in class I always tell my students that there is a great website, which is helping us with our English all the time,(space)that is "https://www.usingenglish.com". It is your hard work that makes my dream and my students' dreams more beautiful and real. Thank you for everything you've done for my students and me(no space),and wish you a happy and peaceful 2017!

Other than the spacing problem with the text, I do not see much problem with OP's written English.

I agree with RogerWhite that the low standard of English is prevalent in most Asian countries, especially those where the language is not widely used, such as China, Japan, Korea, Thailand, Indonesia and Vietnam. Without the exposure to a language, it is uphill task to raise the level of proficiency in a language. The internet and forums like this has indeed proven to be invaluable in providing the needed exposure.

 

[teechar]

we have few chances to speak English

That's fine as it is.

I listen to [STRIKE]the English[/STRIKE] radio stations in English and watch Sky News on my computer every day.

See above.

I often take notes while [STRIKE]seeing[/STRIKE] reading tweets and [STRIKE]reading[/STRIKE] English books.

See above.

In China, teachers usually have a low salary,especially [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] in rural areas. [STRIKE]teachers.[/STRIKE]

See above.

Finally, I want to make it clear that the corrected version of writing is never passed off as my own work.

That's fine as it is.

Thank you for everything you've done for my students and me, and I wish you a happy and peaceful 2017!

You're welcome, and I wish you a happy new year (Gregorian and Chinese).

 

[teechar]

How about "to preserve/maintain a peaceful/quiet environment"? Of course it is quite similar to "to avoid issues associated with noise".

Other than the spacing problem with the text, I do not see [STRIKE]much[/STRIKE] many problems with the OP's written English.

I agree with RogerWhite that the [STRIKE]low[/STRIKE] standard of English is [STRIKE]prevalent[/STRIKE] low in most Asian countries, especially those where the language is not widely used, such as China, Japan, Korea, Thailand, Indonesia and Vietnam. Without the exposure to a language, it is an uphill task to raise the level of proficiency in it. [STRIKE]a language.[/STRIKE] The internet and forums like this [STRIKE]has[/STRIKE] have indeed proven to be invaluable in providing the needed exposure.

.

 

[tedmc]

Other than the spacing problem with the text, I do not see muchmany problems with the OP's written English.

OK,"problem" is countable, unlike "trouble". "Much of a problem" would have worked.

I agree with RogerWhite that the low standard of English is prevalent low in most Asian countries, especially those where the language is not widely used, such as China, Japan, Korea, Thailand, Indonesia and Vietnam.

I think the sentence is OK without the correction. It is just a different way of expressing it. The low standard of English is seen as a problem which is prevalent in most Asian countries.

 

[teechar]

I agree with RogerWhite that the low standard of English is prevalent [STRIKE]low[/STRIKE] in most Asian countries, especially those where the language is not widely used, such as China, Japan, Korea, Thailand, Indonesia and Vietnam.

I think the sentence is OK without the correction. It is just a different way of expressing it. The low standard of English is seen as a problem which is prevalent in most Asian countries.

That's different. Here, it's the problem that's prevalent, not the standard.

 

[tedmc]

That's different. Here, it's the problem that's prevalent, not the standard.

That is what I wanted it to mean.

 

[rodgers white]

Thank you so much for your understanding and proofreading. Whatever the issue is, I truly understand what it means. That is I should always value your work and should not take it for granted. No matter what difficulties lie ahead, it is my resposibility to do my utmost to be a good English teacher and teach English well with your help. English is a world language, through which my students can see the colourful world in a different perspective. Only in this way can my students develop their own philosophy about how this world works no matter it is about "Trump's Twitter style" or Theresa May's "Brexit means Brexit"​. Thank you all again for providing this wonderful platform, and I sincerely hope we can be good friends and understand each other better.

 

[tedmc]

That is I should always value your work and should not take it for granted.

Do you mean "help"?

I think we normally say "from(not in) a different perspective".

 

[rodgers white]

Thank you, my dear friend. You are right. It is authentic to say "from a different perspective". And "help" is more appropriate here.

 

[tedmc]

I would use "proper" instead of "authentic". I am not trying to nit-pick at you, but this is all for discussion sake.

 

[Rover_KE]

inglisdean, please read this extract from the forum's Posting Guidelines:

About Replying to Posts:

You are welcome to answer questions posted in the Ask a Teacher forum as long as your suggestions, help, and advice reflect a good understanding of the English language. If you are not a teacher, you will need to state that clearly in your post. Please note, all posts are moderated by our in-house language experts, so make sure your suggestions, help, and advice provide the kind of information an international language teacher would offer. If not, and your posts do not contribute to the topic in a positive way, they will be subject to deletion.

I deleted your post because it was an inferior and ungrammatical version of the second paragraph of post #5, contributing nothing to the topic.

 

[emsr2d2]

It was also a very badly paraphrased version of a post I made a few days ago to an English teacher in another thread (I can't find it at the moment).