Need help with job pitch

[Yueehs]

Hi,

I am applying for a job and there is a column where I need to put my job pitch. Would you be able to help me check if it's grammatically correct?

Here is my job pitch:

Throughout my 8 years of experience working with various department and over 10 years of supervising role, I know what it takes to become a good HR administrator. My experience in overseeing maintenance department proven that I am capable of managing difficult tasks even without prior experience.



Thank you very much

 

[Yueehs]

Hi,

I am applying for a job and there is a column where I need to put my job pitch in 300 characters. Would you be able to help me check if it's grammatically correct?

Here is my job pitch:

Throughout my 8 years of experience working with various department and over 10 years of supervising role, I know what it takes to become a good HR administrator. My experience in overseeing maintenance department proven that I am capable of managing difficult tasks even without prior experience.



Thank you very much

 

[Glizdka]

Not a teacher
------

Here's my opinion:

Throughout my 8 years of experience working with various departments and over 10 years [STRIKE]of supervising role[/STRIKE] as a supervisor, I [STRIKE]know[/STRIKE] have learned what it takes to become a good HR administrator.

I think it reads better this way.

---

My experience in overseeing maintenance department proven that I am capable of managing difficult tasks even without prior experience.

This part doesn't make sense. How does your experience prove that you're capable of managing tasks without prior experience?


Perhaps: "Over the years overseeing the maintenance department, I have proved that I am capable of managing difficult tasks even without prior experience."

 

[Tarheel]

Yueehs, don't try to put too much into one sentence. And please don't use the phrase prior experience. (It just means experience.)

 

[Yueehs]

Thank you all
really appreciate it

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

Experience has shown that I am capable of taking on new tasks.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Hi,

I am applying for a job, and there is a column where I need to put my job pitch. Would you be able to help me check if it's grammatically correct?

Here is my job pitch:

Throughout my eight years of experience working with various departments and over ten years [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] supervising [STRIKE]role[/STRIKE],

I know what it takes to be a good HR administrator. My experience [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] overseeing a maintenance department demonstrates my ability to manage new and difficult tasks [STRIKE]even without prior experience[/STRIKE].



Thank you very much. [STRIKE][/STRIKE]

If I were reading your application, I would wonder: If you only worked in various departments for eight years, how can you have ten years of supervisory experience?

 

[teechar]

Yueehs, please do not post the same question to more than one section of the forum. Please be patient and wait for replies.

 

[emsr2d2]

Thank you all.

[STRIKE][/STRIKE]

I really appreciate it.

Remember to end every sentence with one appropriate punctuation mark and start every sentence with a capital letter. Don't try to make your own emoticons - if you really need one, click the icon in the toolbar and choose one. An emoticon is never an acceptable replacement for a closing punctuation mark.

 

[emsr2d2]

I have merged the two threads.

 

[Yueehs]

Thank you all.

Sorry about the double post. I am not familiar with this forum yet.
I thought all question must be posted in the Teacher section.

I tried to delete it but I don't know how.

Sorry about that.

 

[emsr2d2]

Thank you all.

Sorry about the double post. I am not familiar with this forum yet.
I thought all question must be posted in the Teacher section.

I tried to delete it but I don't know how.

Sorry about that.

Don't worry. You now know that we have different sections for different subjects. I have merged the two threads now so there's nothing to delete.