Patrick lay on his creaky bed.

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

Patrick lay on his creaky bed. As with every night, doubts crept into his head like a colony of termites crawling into a tree stump to eat it. Jane [his attractive colleague], ask out, boss, resign, quit—

It was as if the words, those people were chasing each other on a loop in his mind.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Is this correct and natural?

Patrick lay on his creaky bed. As with every night, doubts crept into his head like a colony of termites crawling into a tree stump to eat it. Jane, his attractive colleague: Ask out. Boss: Resign, quit—

It was as if the words, the people, were chasing each other on a loop in his mind.

As always, punctuation is a roadmap.