Patrick grabbed Jane's hand.

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

Patrick grabbed Jane's hand. "Come on baby! Let's hit a pub," he said, his eyes flashing with excitement.
Jane took of her blouse, and put on a black tank top. She then slid into tight green pants.
Patrick scratched his head. "I'm not sure if those pants are the right choice."
"Why?"
"Because we are gonna get loose and do lot's of shaking and dancing, honey," he said, shimmying lightly.
Jane rolled her eyes. "I know how to shake it in tight pants."

The hackney drove through the narrow streets, and stopped in front of a posh pub illuminated by a blueish light. The name of the bar, The Horizons, flashed with neon light. There was a huge M&M store next to The Horizons. Patrick and Jane slid out of the car and headed inside the pub packed with diners. "We are gonna have a lot of fun," Patrick said, his voice barely audible over the loud buzz of conversation.
"What?" I can't hear you, P."
Patrick raised his voice. "I'm happy we are here. We are gonna have a lot of fun," he yelled.
"You know what, Patrick? I really feel like having M&Ms. I got a craving for it when we walked by the M&M store next to the pub." She changed her tone, playing with her hair. "Would you please get me some M&Ms?" she said in childish tone. "This pretty girl wants some candy."
Patrick laughed. "You know you don't have to do that to get M&Ms from me, right? Take a seat and order. I'll be right back with your candy."
Jane took a seat, taking in her surroundings. The pub was a melting pot of different people with people from every corner of the globe enjoying a pleasant evening. A football match was playing on the huge TV at the corner of the pub.

A few minutes passed before a waiter approached her table with the menu. "Hello. Are you ready to order?" he said with a smile.

"Not yet. My husband is outside. He'll come back very soon. We'll order together."

Waiting for Patrick, Jane tapped her fingers on the table. She looked at the pub door a few times, growing impatient, deciding to give him a call. Patrick didn't answer his phone. "What the hell?", Jane whispered to herself. She got up from her chair and headed outside.

London was wrapped in a colorful haze. The streets twinkled with neon lights from bars and storefronts. She went inside the M&M store, hoping to find Patrick there. There were three saleswomen inside, all of whom looked to be Asian. Jane stepped towards one of them who had her head buried in her phone. She looked up as Jane approached. "Excuse me, did a tall man with shoulder-length brown hair enter the store to buy candies?" Jane asked.

The saleswoman stared at her with surprise before shaking her head. "We haven't had a customer in the last hour," she said looking back at her phone.

 

[emsr2d2]

I don't have time to do the whole thing but here a few things I spotted:

1. "took of her blouse" - spelling error
2. "lot's of shaking" - incorrect apostrophe
3. Any pub with a neon sign and a TV showing football definitely isn't "posh"!
4. It was odd to suddenly see "packed with diners". I'd expect that at a restaurant or a gastropub, but a standard pub, even if serves some food, would generally just be packed with customers or drinkers.
5. Pubs don't have waiters. They have bar staff. Admittedly, due to Covid, a lot of pubs have started doing table service but even then, the staff aren't waiters. At the moment, it's common to order food and drinks by scanning a QR code and ordering via a mobile. Your order is then brought to the table by a member of staff. We either pay online at the time of ordering, or the member of staff brings a mobile card reader and takes payment when they deliver the order. It sounds like Jane and Patrick are at a restaurant with a bar. It's unlikely that there would be any dancing.
6. Is it really relevant that the staff in the M&Ms store "look Asian"?

 

[Tarheel]

If somebody grabbed part of me I would consider that an act of violence. Also, she apparently removed her blouse while he was holding her hand. (Quite a trick!)

 

[alpacinou]

Okay, what about now?

Patrick ran his hand up and down Jane's arm. "Come on baby! Let's hit a pub," he said, his eyes flashing with excitement.
Jane took off her blouse, and put on a black tank top. She then slid into tight green pants.
Patrick scratched his head. "I'm not sure if those pants are the right choice."
"Why?"
"Because we are gonna get loose and do lots of shaking and dancing, honey," he said, shimmying lightly.
Jane rolled her eyes. "Are we going to a club after dinner? I know how to shake it in tight pants."

The hackney drove through the narrow streets, and stopped in front of a pub illuminated by a blueish light. The name of the bar, The Horizons, flashed with neon light. There was a huge M&M store next to The Horizons. Patrick and Jane slid out of the car and headed inside the pub packed with Londoners. "We are gonna have a lot of fun," Patrick said, his voice barely audible over the loud buzz of conversation.
"What?" I can't hear you, P."
Patrick raised his voice. "I'm happy we are here. We are gonna have a lot of fun," he yelled.
"You know what, Patrick? I really feel like having M&Ms. I got a craving for it when we walked by the M&M store next to the pub." She changed her tone, playing with her hair. "Would you please get me some M&Ms?" she said in childish tone. "This pretty girl wants some candy."
Patrick laughed. "You know you don't have to do that to get M&Ms from me, right? Take a seat and order. I'll be right back with your candy."
Jane took a seat, taking in her surroundings. The pub was a melting pot with people from every corner of the globe enjoying a pleasant evening. A football match was playing on the huge TV at the corner of the pub. Tottenham were playing Leicester City.

Waiting for Patrick, Jane tapped her fingers on the table. She looked at the pub door a few times, growing impatient, deciding to give him a call. Patrick didn't answer his phone. "What the hell?", Jane whispered to herself. She got up from her chair and headed outside.

London was wrapped in a colorful haze. The streets twinkled with neon lights from bars and storefronts. She went inside the M&M store, hoping to find Patrick there. There were three saleswomen inside. Jane stepped towards one of them who had her head buried in her phone. She looked up as Jane approached. "Excuse me, did a tall man with shoulder-length brown hair enter the store to buy candies?" Jane asked.

The saleswoman stared at her with a confused look before shaking her head. "We haven't had a customer in the last hour," she said looking back down at her phone.

 

[emsr2d2]

Use "cab" or "taxi". No one says "hackney".

 

[Tarheel]

A store that just sells M&Ms?
:?:

You can say anything. It's obviously a work of fiction.

 

[emsr2d2]

A store that just sells M&Ms?
:?:

https://www.mms.com/en-gb/mms-world-store-london

 

[alpacinou]

Use "cab" or "taxi". No one says "hackney".

Is that the only problem? Is the rest of it okay?

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Pubs in the US are different than in the UK. They're more food-oriented, although beer is still center-stage.

Nonetheless, Ems's comments are right-on. (The US must have lots of swanky joints with neon signs, but I can't think of one off-hand.)

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Use "cab" or "taxi". No one says "hackney".

In the US, "hack" is old slang for "taxi." Example:

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

A store that just sells M&Ms?
:?:

You can say anything. It's obviously a work of fiction.

Times Square has one.

 

[alpacinou]

Times Square has one.

Would you please edit this?

Patrick ran his hand up and down Jane's arm. "Come on baby! Let's hit a pub," he said, his eyes flashing with excitement.
Jane took off her blouse, and put on a black tank top. She then slid into tight green pants.
Patrick scratched his head. "I'm not sure if those pants are the right choice."
"Why?"
"Because we are gonna get loose and do lots of shaking and dancing, honey," he said, shimmying lightly.
Jane rolled her eyes. "Are we going to a club after dinner? I know how to shake it in tight pants."

The hackney drove through the narrow streets, and stopped in front of a pub illuminated by a blueish light. The name of the bar, The Horizons, flashed with neon light. There was a huge M&M store next to The Horizons. Patrick and Jane slid out of the car and headed inside the pub packed with Londoners. "We are gonna have a lot of fun," Patrick said, his voice barely audible over the loud buzz of conversation.
"What?" I can't hear you, P."
Patrick raised his voice. "I'm happy we are here. We are gonna have a lot of fun," he yelled.
"You know what, Patrick? I really feel like having M&Ms. I got a craving for it when we walked by the M&M store next to the pub." She changed her tone, playing with her hair. "Would you please get me some M&Ms?" she said in childish tone. "This pretty girl wants some candy."
Patrick laughed. "You know you don't have to do that to get M&Ms from me, right? Take a seat and order. I'll be right back with your candy."
Jane took a seat, taking in her surroundings. The pub was a melting pot with people from every corner of the globe enjoying a pleasant evening. A football match was playing on the huge TV at the corner of the pub. Tottenham were playing Leicester City.

Waiting for Patrick, Jane tapped her fingers on the table. She looked at the pub door a few times, growing impatient, deciding to give him a call. Patrick didn't answer his phone. "What the hell?", Jane whispered to herself. She got up from her chair and headed outside.

London was wrapped in a colorful haze. The streets twinkled with neon lights from bars and storefronts. She went inside the M&M store, hoping to find Patrick there. There were three saleswomen inside. Jane stepped towards one of them who had her head buried in her phone. She looked up as Jane approached. "Excuse me, did a tall man with shoulder-length brown hair enter the store to buy candies?" Jane asked.

The saleswoman stared at her with a confused look before shaking her head. "We haven't had a customer in the last hour," she said looking back down at her phone.

 

[Tarheel]

https://www.mms.com/en-gb/mms-world-store-london

Wow!

 

[Tarheel]

In the US, "hack" is old slang for "taxi." Example:

Just New York or other places too?

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

I really feel like having some M&Ms. I got a craving for them when we walked by the M&M store next to the pub.

And:

"Would you please get me some M&Ms?'" she said in a childlike tone.

There is an important difference between childish and childlike.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Just New York or other places too?

I think throughout the U.S., at least. But don't quote me.

 

[alpacinou]

Would you please edit this?

Patrick ran his hand up and down Jane's arm. "Come on baby! Let's hit a pub," he said, his eyes flashing with excitement.
Jane took off her blouse, and put on a black tank top. She then slid into tight green pants.
Patrick scratched his head. "I'm not sure if those pants are the right choice."
"Why?"
"Because we are gonna get loose and do lots of shaking and dancing, honey," he said, shimmying lightly.
Jane rolled her eyes. "Are we going to a club after dinner? I know how to shake it in tight pants."

The hackney drove through the narrow streets, and stopped in front of a pub illuminated by a blueish light. The name of the bar, The Horizons, flashed with neon light. There was a huge M&M store next to The Horizons. Patrick and Jane slid out of the car and headed inside the pub packed with Londoners. "We are gonna have a lot of fun," Patrick said, his voice barely audible over the loud buzz of conversation.
"What?" I can't hear you, P."
Patrick raised his voice. "I'm happy we are here. We are gonna have a lot of fun," he yelled.
"You know what, Patrick? I really feel like having M&Ms. I got a craving for it when we walked by the M&M store next to the pub." She changed her tone, playing with her hair. "Would you please get me some M&Ms?" she said in childish tone. "This pretty girl wants some candy."
Patrick laughed. "You know you don't have to do that to get M&Ms from me, right? Take a seat and order. I'll be right back with your candy."
Jane took a seat, taking in her surroundings. The pub was a melting pot with people from every corner of the globe enjoying a pleasant evening. A football match was playing on the huge TV at the corner of the pub. Tottenham were playing Leicester City.

Waiting for Patrick, Jane tapped her fingers on the table. She looked at the pub door a few times, growing impatient, deciding to give him a call. Patrick didn't answer his phone. "What the hell?", Jane whispered to herself. She got up from her chair and headed outside.

London was wrapped in a colorful haze. The streets twinkled with neon lights from bars and storefronts. She went inside the M&M store, hoping to find Patrick there. There were three saleswomen inside. Jane stepped towards one of them who had her head buried in her phone. She looked up as Jane approached. "Excuse me, did a tall man with shoulder-length brown hair enter the store to buy candies?" Jane asked.

The saleswoman stared at her with a confused look before shaking her head. "We haven't had a customer in the last hour," she said looking back down at her phone.

I wish I had never mentioned M&Ms. My text hasn't been edited.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Would you please edit this?

Oh, fine!

Patrick ran his hand up and down Jane's arm. "Come on baby! Let's hit a pub," he said, his eyes flashing with excitement.

Separate paragraphs with line breaks or indents. (Not both.)

Jane took off her blouse[STRIKE],[/STRIKE] and put on a black tank top and slid into tight green pants.

Patrick scratched his head. "I'm not sure if those pants are the right choice."

"Why?"

"Because we're gonna get loose and do lots of shaking and dancing, honey," he said, shimmying lightly.

Jane rolled her eyes. "Are we going to a club after dinner? I know how to shake it in tight pants."

The taxi drove through the narrow streets[STRIKE],[/STRIKE] and stopped in front of a pub illuminated by a blueish light. The name of the bar, The Horizons, flashed with neon light. There was a huge M&M store next to The Horizons. Patrick and Jane slid out of the car and headed inside the pub packed with Londoners.

"We are gonna have a lot of fun," Patrick said, his voice barely audible over the loud buzz of conversation.

"What?" I can't hear you, P."

Patrick raised his voice. "I'm happy we are here. We are gonna have a lot of fun," he yelled.

"You know what, Patrick? I really feel like having M&Ms. I got a craving for it when we walked by the M&M store next to the pub." She changed her tone, playing with her hair. "Would you please get me some M&Ms?" she said in childish tone. "This pretty girl wants some candy."

Patrick laughed. "You know you don't have to do that to get M&Ms from me, right? Take a seat and order. I'll be right back with your candy."

Jane found a seat and took in her surroundings. [Took and take in one line is to much taking.] The pub was a melting pot, with people from every corner of the globe enjoying a pleasant evening. A football match was playing on the huge TV at the corner of the pub. Tottenham were playing Leicester City.

Waiting for Patrick, Jane tapped her fingers on the table. She looked at the pub door a few times and, growing impatient, decided to give him a call. Patrick didn't answer his phone. "What the hell?"[STRIKE],[/STRIKE] Jane whispered to herself. She got up from her chair and headed outside.

For some reason, if a quote ends with a question mark or exclamation point, we don't put a comma after it. No one knows why.

London was wrapped in a colorful haze. The streets twinkled with neon lights from bars and storefronts. She went inside the M&M store, hoping to find Patrick there. There were three saleswomen inside. Jane stepped towards one of them who had her head buried in her phone. She looked up as Jane approached. "Excuse me. Did a tall man with shoulder-length brown hair come in to buy candy?" Jane asked. [It's just more natural that way.]

The saleswoman stared at her with a confused look before shaking her head. "We haven't had a customer in the last hour," she said, looking back down at her phone.

Just for realism, I wouldn't say the M&M store had been empty for an hour. They bustle. Instead, it's more likely that no one had been in who looked like Patrick.

 

[alpacinou]

Thank you!

One small question.

Do I need "a" before light?

The name of the bar, The Horizons, flashed with neon light.

The taxi drove through the narrow streets, and stopped in front of a pub illuminated by a blueish light.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

I really feel like having some M&Ms. I got a craving for them when we walked by the M&M store next to the pub.

And:

"Would you please get me some M&Ms?'" she said in a childlike tone.

There is an important difference between childish and childlike.

The word childish has largely negative connotations, while childlike has largely positive connotations.