Patrick opened the door and walked inside

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

Patrick opened the door and walked inside the villa screened by tall trees. He walked past the lush trees to see a vast expanse of barren land to the east of the villa. The soil was cracked and it looked like it'd been plowed a long time ago, dry furrows running vertically along its length. Patrick sat by one of the furrows, enjoying the sun on his skin. A black insect was crawling in the furrow, its feelers moving. Patrick heard an engine come to life in the distant and a few minutes later saw water flowing slowly alongside the channels, shimmering in the sun. The black insect was taken by the water, trying to keep itself afloat, flailing helplessly. After a few minutes, it succumbed to water, plunging in the small stream.

 

[emsr2d2]

He entered the villa and walked past lush trees? I don't understand. Who has lush trees growing inside their villa?

 

[alpacinou]

He entered the villa and walked past lush trees? I don't understand. Who has lush trees growing inside their villa?

In my language, we call the entire area and the garden a villa.

Longman says this:

https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/villa
a big house in the country with a large garden

But you are right, in English it doesn't work. So, do I say entered the villa's yard?

 

[emsr2d2]

What's wrong with "garden"?

 

[alpacinou]

What's wrong with "garden"?

Okay.

Is this correct and natural?

Patrick opened the door and walked inside the garden surrounding the villa. He walked past the lush trees to see a vast expanse of barren land to the east of the villa. The soil was cracked and it looked like it'd been plowed a long time ago, dry furrows running vertically along its length. Patrick sat by one of the furrows, enjoying the sun on his skin. A black insect was crawling in the furrow, its feelers moving. Patrick heard an engine come to life in the distant and a few minutes later saw water flowing slowly alongside the channels, shimmering in the sun. The black insect was taken by the water, trying to keep itself afloat, flailing helplessly. After a few minutes, it succumbed to water, plunging in the small stream.

 

[emsr2d2]

Okay.

Is this correct and natural?

Patrick opened the door and walked [STRIKE]inside[/STRIKE] into the garden surrounding the villa. He [STRIKE]walked past[/STRIKE] passed the lush trees [STRIKE]to see[/STRIKE] and saw a vast expanse of barren land to the east of the villa. The soil was cracked and it looked like [STRIKE]it'd[/STRIKE] it had been plowed a long time ago, dry furrows running vertically along its length.

Something's missing here. In the first part, he could only see this expanse of barren land. Suddenly, he's sitting on it!

Patrick sat by one of the furrows, enjoying the sun on his skin. A black insect was crawling [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] along the furrow, its feelers moving. Patrick heard an engine come to life in the distance and a few minutes later [STRIKE]saw[/STRIKE] water [STRIKE]flowing[/STRIKE] started flowing slowly alongside the channels, shimmering in the sun. The black insect was taken by the water, trying to keep itself afloat, flailing helplessly. After a few minutes, it succumbed to the water, plunging into the small stream. (What stream? You haven't mentioned there being a stream anywhere.)

See above. Poor little insect!

What has the engine got to do with water starting to flow?

 

[Tarheel]

I think the water was probably flowing in the furrows, not alongside them.

 

[alpacinou]

Okay. Another try:


Patrick opened the door and walked into the garden surrounding the villa. He passed the lush trees screening the white building and saw a vast expanse of barren land to the east of the villa. The soil was cracked and it looked like it had been plowed a long time ago, dry furrows running vertically along its length.

Patrick trudged towards one of the furrows, feeling dirt clods crushing beneath his sneakers. He sat by a furrow, enjoying the sun on his skin. A black insect was crawling sluggishly along the furrow, its feelers moving. Patrick heard an engine come to life in the distance, perhaps a diesel water pump, and a few minutes later water started flowing slowly in the channels, shimmering in the sun. The black insect was taken by the water, trying to keep itself afloat, flailing helplessly. After a few minutes, it succumbed to the water, plunging into the rivulet flowing in the furrows.

I'm not sure if rivulet works. What word can I use?

 

[Tarheel]

I think "rivulet" is good.

 

[alpacinou]

Is this completely okay?


Patrick opened the door and walked into the garden surrounding the villa. He passed the lush trees screening the white building and saw a vast expanse of barren land to the east of the villa. The soil was cracked and it looked like it had been plowed a long time ago, dry furrows running vertically along its length.

Patrick trudged towards one of the furrows, feeling dirt clods crushing beneath his sneakers. He sat by a furrow, enjoying the sun on his skin. A black insect was crawling sluggishly along the furrow, its feelers moving. Patrick heard an engine come to life in the distance, perhaps a diesel water pump, and a few minutes later water started flowing slowly in the channels, shimmering in the sun. The black insect was taken by the water, trying to keep itself afloat, flailing helplessly. After a few minutes, it succumbed to the water, plunging into the rivulet flowing in the furrows.

 

[Tarheel]

Is this completely okay?


Patrick opened the door and walked into the garden surrounding the villa.

OK.

He passed the lush trees shading the white building and saw a vast expanse of barren land to the east of the villa. The soil was cracked and it looked like it had been plowed a long time ago, dry furrows running vertically along its length.

Patrick walked towards one of the furrows, feeling dirt clods crushing beneath his sneakers. He sat by a furrow, enjoying the sun on his skin. A black insect was crawling sluggishly along the furrow, its feelers moving. Patrick heard an engine come to life in the distance, perhaps a diesel water pump, and a few minutes later water started flowing slowly in the channels, shimmering in the sun. The black insect was taken by the water, trying to keep itself afloat, flailing helplessly. After a few minutes, it succumbed to the water, plunging into the rivulet flowing in the furrows.

I don't understand the word screening there, so I suggested shading. We don't use trudged very often to replace walked. (Rarely, in fact.)

There doesn't seem to be any reason to mention the color of the building.

That narration is rich in detail.

 

[emsr2d2]

I understand the idea of the trees screening the house. Some people purposely grow a row of trees between their house and anywhere members of the public (or even their neighbours) might be. The trees act as a screen, shielding the house from view.