An emotional account of a boss and his workers

[Tarheel]

OK

Try:

They were afraid that if they argued with him they would definitely be fired. Robert had already fired two workers who had responded to his inappropriate behavior.

(I don't know what "slating" is.)

 

[Tarheel]

(6)

Tony had been with Robert since the founding of Robert's company. He had worked with Robert ceaselessly to take it from nowhere to a very successful company.

 

[Tarheel]

(6)

In return Robert rewarded him with a handsome salary package and always spoke highly of him.

You have a tendency to use too many words.

 

[hatimhussain]

Tarheel as per the snapshot, word "slating" is a British word which means "critisize severely". Should I have to stick with American English? Please help.

 

[hatimhussain]

Yes Tarheel, I do have this tendency. I believe that with your continuous guidance I will overcome this flaw.

 

[Tarheel]

You don't have to stick to American English. It's just that we have to understand each other better. It's as if I'm American and you're British. While I have learned a lot over the years, you still say something that puzzles me every once in a while.

 

[Tarheel]

(7)

Tony was quite concerned with Robert's mental condition, which was deteriorating with every passing day. He had enjoyed a long and pleasant relationship with his boss, and at times Robert was more of a friend to him than a boss.

8)

I would change something there to at the workplace.

 

[hatimhussain]

Tarheel, I take your last sentence, about me, as compliment. If I can puzzle a teacher of such caliber, it is indeed a compliment to me.

 

[Tarheel]

Two things. One, thanks for the compliment. Two, you were supposed to figure out what I would change.

 

[hatimhussain]

I have rephrased the 8th paragraph with some alterations. Please see.

Panic and anxiety replaced the ever-congenial atmosphere at the workplace. Robert’s improper conduct had snatched the smiles and contentment from the faces of the workers.

 

[Tarheel]

Hm. That's original.

It's OK.

 

[Tarheel]

I forgot to mention that "at the workplace" was exactly what I had in mind.

:up:

 

[hatimhussain]

Tarheel, I would appreciate your overall evaluation about this piece of writing, so far.

 

[Tarheel]

Well, you need to work on word choice. For example, I wouldn't say, "You can't proofread immaculately." Instead, I would say, "You make too many mistakes" or "You're too careless" or something like that.

 

[hatimhussain]

Yes, Tarheel I do have problems with word choice. Besides, in my recent posts, I have been consistently asked to write shorter sentences. I am working on that. Thank you for your precious comments.

 

[Tarheel]

Some words, while they might be understood, are hardly ever used.

Keep in mind that most writing and most speech is informal.

Tell me if you need me to make more comments.

 

[hatimhussain]

Tarheel, like most non-native English learners, I also have the tendency to conceive my writing in my native language.
After I have completed my first draft, I consult dictionary to replace the vocabulary (which I have conceived in Urdu language) with English language vocabulary.
Tarheel, while doing so I fail to distinguish whether my writing is getting formal or informal.
I may add here that before reading your last comment, I already had posted the second part of my story. So you may find the same problems in it as well. Please guide.

 

[Tarheel]

It is not a good habit to first write something in your native language and then translate it to English. That doesn't work well. Instead, you need to think in English. If you're going to write something in English start with English. That's the habit you need to develop.

 

[hatimhussain]

I got your point Tarheel. One last question Tarheel for this thread; how would you grade my writing. Is it A,B,C or D; or worse than that?

 

[Tarheel]

I'm not in the habit of giving grades, and because of that I have nothing to go on. It is certainly true that you are way ahead of some people, but there is still room for improvement. One thing a lot of ESL learners do is they focus on vocabulary. And they wind up using words native speakers rarely use. It is better, I think, to focus on using the words you know to communicate clearly.