[Essay] can u mark my writing and give the band

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syaz

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hi...i want to ask you favor to marked my writing paper...i will be taking ielts this coming saturday...am i manage to get band 6 in writing if my writing style is like this one?thanks!

question: Some people think men and women have different natural abilities that make them suitable for different type of work. Others however, believe that both men and women can be equally suited to do any type of work. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

my answer:


Back in 20th century, we can see lots of discrimination that involve men and women. Last time, there is a belief that women must only stay at house managing children while the men went out to work. However, this idea is not relevant to be applied in this new modern generation world. Women now are very independent and can stand on their own feet. The discussion on this hot issue has attracts many attention from the whole world.

Some people tend to agree that both of the gender have different traits that will make them unique. This opinion is supported by the natural characters that had existed in male and female since they were born. We always associate women with tenderness and kind heated while for the men, they always being connect with toughness and not easily give up in their works. If we can take an example, most of the person that are connected to education fields such as teachers are the ladies which contradicts with the large number of men are involve in protecting the countries as the policemen.

Despite, there is also belief that both of the gender are the same and can suit to do anything. Looking to the development world today, it is possible for women and men doing the same job because now, they are given the same opportunities to study and doing work without bias by the gender type. This phenomenon is happening regarding the exposure of the female to the outside world and it has broadened their thinking. It is not weird nowadays if we see female engineers or architects are working at the site.

It seems to me that we do not have to judge person by its gender. It is clearly state in the passage that the persons’ ability is not depends on their sex. As the conclusion, as long as the person can do their works, other things like the gender type not really concern.

(326 words)
 

emsr2d2

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hi...I want to ask you a favor - [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] please mark[STRIKE]ed[/STRIKE] my writing paper. I will be taking [STRIKE]ielts[/STRIKE] IELTS this coming Saturday. [STRIKE]am[/STRIKE]Will I manage to get a band 6 in writing if my writing style is like this [STRIKE]one[/STRIKE]? Thanks!

Question: Some people think men and women have different natural abilities that make them suitable for different types of work. Others, however, believe that both men and women can be equally suited to [STRIKE]do[/STRIKE] any type of work. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

My answer:


Back in the 20th century, we [STRIKE]can see[/STRIKE] saw lots of discrimination that involved men and women. Last time (?? last time? When? Perhaps you mean "At that time"), there[STRIKE] is[/STRIKE] was a belief that women [STRIKE]must[/STRIKE] should only stay at [STRIKE]house[/STRIKE] home [STRIKE]managing[/STRIKE] looking after/taking care of the children while the men went out to work. However, this idea is not relevant [STRIKE]to be applied[/STRIKE] in this new modern [STRIKE]generation[/STRIKE] world. Women now are very independent and can stand on their own two feet (it's an idiom "to stand on your own two feet"). The discussion on this hot issue has attract[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE]ed [STRIKE]many[/STRIKE] a lot of attention from the whole world.

Some people tend to agree that both (of the) genders have different traits that will make them unique. This opinion is supported by the natural [STRIKE]characters [/STRIKE] characteristics that [STRIKE]had[/STRIKE] exist[STRIKE]ed[/STRIKE] in [STRIKE]male and female[/STRIKE] men and women [STRIKE]since[/STRIKE] from the day they [STRIKE]were[/STRIKE] are born. We always associate women with tenderness and [STRIKE]kind heated [/STRIKE] kind-heartedness, while [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] the men [STRIKE]they[/STRIKE] are always being connected with toughness and not giving up easily[STRIKE] give up in their works[/STRIKE]. [STRIKE]If we can take[/STRIKE] As an example, most of the [STRIKE]person[/STRIKE] people [STRIKE]that[/STRIKE] who are connected to education fields, such as teachers, are [STRIKE]the ladies[/STRIKE] women, [STRIKE]which contradicts with[/STRIKE] in contrast to the large number of men who are involved in protect[STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE]ion, [STRIKE]the countries[/STRIKE] such as [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] policemen.

Despite this, there is also a belief that both (of the) genders are the same and [STRIKE]can[/STRIKE] are suited to doing anything. Looking [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] at the develop[STRIKE]ment[/STRIKE]ed world today, it is possible for women and men [STRIKE]doing[/STRIKE] to do the same job because now they are given the same opportunities to study and [STRIKE]doing [/STRIKE] to work without gender bias[STRIKE] by the gender type[/STRIKE]. This phenomenon is happening [STRIKE]regarding[/STRIKE] due to the exposure of [STRIKE]the female [/STRIKE] women to the outside world [STRIKE]and it[/STRIKE] which has broadened their thinking. It is not weird nowadays [STRIKE]if we[/STRIKE] to see female engineers or architects [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] working at [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] building sites.

It seems to me that we [STRIKE]do not have to[/STRIKE] should not judge a person by [STRIKE]its[/STRIKE] their gender. It is clearly stated in the passage that [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] a person's ability [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] does not depend on their sex. [STRIKE]As the [/STRIKE] In conclusion, as long as the person can do their [STRIKE]works[/STRIKE] job, other things like their gender [STRIKE]type[/STRIKE], [STRIKE]not really concern[/STRIKE] do not really matter.

I don't know the banding system with IELTS, but I have made some corrections and notes to your writing which may help in your exam. I'm sure someone else will be able to give you an idea what band you would have been in with your original piece.
 
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