Can you correct my cover letter for appling to a master degree

ZAKKARIA

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Dear Sir,

My name is xx, 24 years old. I studied mechanical engineering in xx, Cairo, Egypt. I’ve obtained a bachelor degree in engineering science scored by 71% and distinction in graduation project. I am writing to apply for xx Master Program which I’ve heard about from one of my friends.


I am a highly motivated person who is ambitious and looking forward to playing a main role in life’s work and adding a better impress where I am. Permanently I am motivated to update my career to the next level to be better than before.

It’s known that Benjamin Franklin said “Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I’ll remember; involve me and I’ll understand”.
Practice and scientific applications are the best way for better learning; this is what I am looking forward to getting during my study at xx University. According to the technical side that the university focuses on, will serve my career as a Mechanical Engineer and help me to get the desired job.

Latvia is my best choice because it is a member of the EU countries, has a fairly lower standard of living as compared to other European countries. It is also an industrial nation and multi-cultured state where a full range of services are offered. In addition to that Latvia is worthy with beauty nature and unique environment.

There is no doubt that I will gain rare and worthy experiences by going abroad which I wouldn’t be able to get without. I expect it will be an adventure replete with knowledge, thrill and excitement. One of the most important steps in life is finding your place, calling.

I am looking forward to hearing from you my favorable response as soon as possible. I am available any time.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,
xxxxxxxxx
 

Charlie Bernstein

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Can you correct my cover letter for applying for a master degree?

Dear teachers, (Some of us are women.)

(Don't say your name here. You'll sign the letter, right?) I'm 24 years old. (Make sure stating your age is allowed. Where I live it's not, because it encourages age discrimination.) I studied mechanical engineering in xx, Cairo, Egyp, and obtained a bachelor degree in engineering science scored by 71% (By 71% of whom or what?), with distinction in my graduation project. I am writing to apply for xx master program, which I’ve heard good things about.

I am a highly motivated person who is ambitious and looking forward to playing a main role in life’s work and making a good impression wherever I go. Currently I want to advance my career. (This sentence is not needed. The people in admissions are busy. Don't pad. They don't like it. In business letters, it's more respectful to get to the point.)

(Delete "It's known that.") Benjamin Franklin said, “Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I’ll remember; involve me and I’ll understand”.
Practice is the best way to learn. This is what I am looking forward to getting during my study at xx University. The technical side that the university focuses on will serve my career as a mechanical engineer and help me to get a good job.

Latvia is my top choice because it is in Europe but has a lower standard of living than other European countries. (Do you mean "lower standard" or "lower cost"? "Lower standard of living" means it's poor. "Lower cost of living" means it's less expensive.) It is also an industrial nation and multi-cultured state where a full range of services are offered. In addition to that, Latvia is noteworthy for its beauty and unique environment.

There is no doubt that I will gain rare and worthwhile experiences by going abroad which I wouldn’t be able to get without traveling. It will be an adventure replete with knowledge, thrills, and excitement. One of the most important steps in life is finding your place, your calling.

I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible. (Delete "I am available any time." It's unnecessary and doesn't mean anything. Can you be there this afternoon? Of course not.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,
xxxxxxxxx

Look up worthy, worthwhile, noteworthy, permanently, and currently.

You started too many sentences with I. I removed a few.

Good luck on your application!
 
Last edited:

ZAKKARIA

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thanks
I followed your advice and made some changes
This is my last update for this letter
I hope it is better than before

Dear Sir,


I am 24 years old. I studied mechanical engineering in xx, Cairo, Egypt and obtained a bachelor degree in engineering science in may 2016 with total remark 71% with distinction in my graduation project.I am writing to apply for xx master program which I’ve heard good things about from one of my friends.

I am a highly motivated person who is able to manage time, handle pressure and perform tasks in the best way. Ambitious and looking forward to playing a main role in life’s work and making a good impression wherever I go. Currently I want to advance my career.


Benjamin Franklin said, “Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I’ll remember; involve me and I’ll understand”.
Practice is the best way to learn; this is what I am looking forward to getting during my study at Riga Technical University. Moreover the technical side that the university focuses on will serve my career as a mechanical engineer and help me to get a good job.


There is no doubt that I will gain rare and worthwhile experiences by going abroad which I wouldn’t be able to get without traveling. It will be an adventure replete with knowledge, thrills and excitement.

Your place has a strong effect on your life so that Latvia is my top choice because it is in Europe but has a lower cost of living than other European countries. It is also an industrial nation and multi-cultured state where a full range of services are offered. In addition to that Latvia is noteworthy for its beauty and unique environment.



What a great chance! To study what you love in a high standard university and obtain all the necessary skills to practice effectively your desired job.

I am looking forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,
 
Last edited:

emsr2d2

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[STRIKE]All[/STRIKE] Thanks, everyone.
I have followed your advice and [STRIKE]make[/STRIKE] made some changes. This is my last update for this letter. I hope it is better than before.


Dear Sir,

I am 24 years old. I studied mechanical engineering in xx, Cairo, Egypt and obtained a bachelor degree in engineering science scored by 71% of the total remark with distinction in my graduation project.
The underlined part doesn't make sense.

I am writing to apply for the xx masters program which I’ve heard good things about from one of my friends.
I don't know what you can see at your end but the underlined word above has a very strange capital A wearing a hat before the apostrophe.

See above for the first part.
 

ZAKKARIA

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okay I have corrected it
 
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