Could somebody check my formal letter?

[Melwin]

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to express my concerns about my last visit In your fitness club. Contrary to the description in the invitation, my stay was truly unsuccessful, so I would like to complain about offered services.
First of all, I want to draw your attention to the fact that quality of your classes, equipment and service is very low. Classes were conducted by inexperienced woman who could not make a contact with members. She also did not know how to make particular exercises. We were confused, because nobody paid attention to us. As I mentioned earlier, accessories in your club are neglected and slovenly. Exercise mats are full of holes, balls are not inflated and dumbbells are cracked. Apart from that, I could not get treadmill to work. When I asked and employee for help he said that he would do it later. The service was really shoddy! On of the trainers was very unprofessional. He did not let a girl to take a break and she fainted. If he had not been so demanding, she would not have felt so weakly.
To my mind you should replace the faulty furnishings or try to fix it. If you do not don it, someone will be able to break an ankle or get hurt. I would suggest employment more qualified and competent service. Also, it would be a good idea to divide classes into groups for beginners and advanced.
I hope that this letter will lead to changes in your fitness club.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours faithfully,
XYZ.

 

[emsr2d2]

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to express my concerns about my [STRIKE]last[/STRIKE] recent visit [STRIKE]In[/STRIKE] to your fitness club. Contrary to the description in the invitation, my [STRIKE]stay[/STRIKE] visit was [STRIKE]truly[/STRIKE] completely unsuccessful (no comma here) so I would like to complain about [STRIKE]offered[/STRIKE] the services.

First of all, I want to draw your attention to the fact that the quality of your classes, equipment and service is very low. The classes I took part in were conducted by an inexperienced woman who [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] did not [STRIKE]make a contact[/STRIKE] engage with the [STRIKE]members[/STRIKE] group. She also did not know how to [STRIKE]make[/STRIKE] do particular exercises. We were confused (no comma here) because nobody [STRIKE]paid[/STRIKE] was paying attention to us.

As I mentioned earlier, [STRIKE]accessories[/STRIKE] equipment [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] at your club [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] is badly neglected. [STRIKE]and slovenly.[/STRIKE] Exercise mats are full of holes, balls are not inflated and dumbbells are cracked. [STRIKE]Apart from that,[/STRIKE] Also, I could not get the treadmill to work. When I asked [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] an employee for help, he said that he would do it later. The service was really shoddy! One of the trainers was very unprofessional. He did not let a girl [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] take a break and she fainted. If he had not been so demanding, she would not have felt so weak. [STRIKE]ly.[/STRIKE]

[STRIKE]To my mind[/STRIKE] In my opinion, you should replace the faulty [STRIKE]furnishings[/STRIKE] equipment or at least [STRIKE]try to[/STRIKE] fix it. If you [STRIKE]do not don it[/STRIKE] don't, someone [STRIKE]will be able to break an ankle or[/STRIKE] could get hurt.

I [STRIKE]would[/STRIKE] suggest [STRIKE]employment[/STRIKE] that you employ more qualified and competent [STRIKE]service[/STRIKE] staff. [STRIKE]Also,[/STRIKE] It would be a good idea to divide classes into groups for beginners and advanced.

I hope that this letter will lead to changes in your fitness club.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully,

XYZ.

See my suggested changes above. Did you witness all those problems on just one visit, as your first sentence suggests? How many classes did you attend during that visit (you said "The classes were conducted by ...")?

You should give the date and time of your visit and specify what classes you attended.