could you please revise my essay

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arsha_0o

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at young age. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


Nowadays upbringing of children becomes one of the most controversial issues among psychologists or even households in the society. No one can ever deny the significance of his or her child's responsibility character in the contemporary world. In general, these heated debates may be divided into two lines of thought in the society. While some people think that children from young ages should become financially responsible, others hold the opposite view regarding their own characters or educational background. However, when it comes to me, I disagree with the statement and believe that when adults become mature, they can account for they financials. I think that there are a lot of cogent reasons for this choice, but, the two most common reasons are children like to have everything that they see and adults start to be thought how to manage their money at university.

In the first place, children tend to spend a great deal of money to obtain whatever they want regardless of their price. Childs in teenage period or before then, do not think about how they can manage their amount of money or how much money they can save. They just want to play and become cheerful with whatever they bought. This hypothesis is in accord with earlier research. Psychological studies -published in 2010 in medical journal- demonstrate that these ages are the most sensitive period of an individual. If parents limit them with the amount of money, they will grow up by the lack of something in their mind. This obstacle would cause serious depression when they become as old as their parents. Thus, children in lower ages do not have the ability to coordinate their expenditure.

In addition, adults learn more about economy and finance during collage years. Children cannot manage and responsible for their money until they are taught how to carry out that. Adults in the age of 18 have a turning point in their life, they become mature, their mind become fully developed and they are ready for complex studies. In this period, one of the mandatory lessons which everybody should pass it, is the finance lesson. In this introductory course, people learn how to handle their amount of money. This means that they become familiar with simple principles and concepts of finance such as; income, outgo, expenditure, interest rate, and so on. In my view, in the time, by the advantage of basic knowledge of economy, we can expect from adults to be financially responsible. Therefore, careful scrutiny on the responsibility of adults reveals the importance of having the knowledge about it.

To sum up briefly, we may come to the conclusion that children cannot become accountable at young ages. The lake of information until collage years coupled with the tendency to buy and have anything to have pleasure, convince me to have this point of view. At the end, it is my hope that all the adults and children eventually may have charge of their financial issues in the not too distant future.
 

emsr2d2

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When will you submit this essay to your teacher/tutor for marking?
 

arsha_0o

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I already submitted.
 

DavidJones

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Post deleted - see post #7

5jj
 
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Barb_D

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Warning: the "correction" above is deeply flawed.


Arusha: When your teacher returns your essay, please ask us about any corrections you do not understand.
 

DavidJones

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Thank you again Bard_D,

The revision above is deeply flawed although around 10-15 errors have been corrected.
 

5jj

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The revision above is deeply flawed although around 10-15 errors have been corrected.
The revision is so deeply flawed that it is not helpful at all.

We appreciate efforts to help others, but ask that people correct work and respond to questions only if the corrections and responses are reasonably complete and accurate.
 
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