[Essay] Differences between Iran and The united states

[ambitious-girl]

I would be appreciate it if someone could check this paragraph for any mistakes.


There are several differences between the United States and Iran. America is leading industrialized, the most advanced and developed country while Iran is considered as a third world and developing one/nation. Unlike/In contrast to Iran, America is known to be the land of opportunities, where everyone can achieve whatever they set their mind to. Thousands of people immigrate to this country every year from different parts of the world to have access to such opportunities. Iran has a mono-culture society, where you rarely see people from different cultural and racial backgrounds, except from Afghans. Racial and cultural diversity, however, is the United States’ strengths, where there is a cosmopolitan atmosphere in almost every state. When it come to freedom of speech, expression, press and religion, Iran is rated as 175th country in the world. By contrast, America is also known for being at the forefront of freedom and equality. In Iran, a baby born out of wedlock is a horrible sin for which there is no forgiveness whereas it is really commonplace in America, which is such permissive society.


Thanks in advance

 

[teechar]

I would [STRIKE]be[/STRIKE] appreciate it if someone could check this paragraph for any mistakes.


There are several differences between the United States and Iran. [STRIKE]America[/STRIKE] The US is [STRIKE]leading[/STRIKE] highly industrialized, and is the most advanced and developed country in the world, while Iran is considered [STRIKE]as[/STRIKE] a third-world and developing [STRIKE]one/[/STRIKE] nation. Unlike [STRIKE]/In contrast to[/STRIKE] Iran, [STRIKE]America[/STRIKE] the US is known [STRIKE]to be[/STRIKE] as the land of opportunity, [STRIKE]ies,[/STRIKE] where everyone can achieve whatever they set their mind to. Thousands of people immigrate to [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] that country every year from different parts of the world to have access to such opportunities. By contrast, Iran [STRIKE]has[/STRIKE] is largely a mono-cultural society, where you rarely see people from different cultural and racial backgrounds, except [STRIKE]from[/STRIKE] for some Afghans. Racial and cultural diversity, however, [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] are the United States’ strengths, where there is a cosmopolitan atmosphere in almost every state. Moreover, when it comes to freedom of speech, expression, press and religion, Iran is rated [STRIKE]as[/STRIKE] 175th [STRIKE]country[/STRIKE] in the world. By contrast, America is [STRIKE]also known[/STRIKE] renowned for being [STRIKE]at the forefront[/STRIKE] a champion of freedom and equality. In Iran, a baby born out of wedlock is considered the product of a horrible sin for which there is no forgiveness, whereas it is [STRIKE]really commonplace[/STRIKE] not really such a big deal in [STRIKE]America[/STRIKE] the US, which is [STRIKE]such permissive[/STRIKE] a more liberal society.


Thanks in advance.

.

 

[ambitious-girl]

Thanks Teechar. It was so helpful and informative as usual.

I have a question regarding passage above:
Is it OK to have two phrases "by contrast" in the fourth and seventh lines of the essay. If I want to replace one of them with something new or different, what will be your alternative suggestions?

Thanks.

 

[teechar]

You can use "in contrast" or "on the other hand."