Essay evaluation related to gaining knowledge

MachEnglish

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Dear friends/teachers,

Could you evaluate my essay, especially in terms of being to the point?

Topic: Some people prefer to enhance their knowledge by consulting with other people, while others prefer to experience different things by themselves. Discuss advantages and disadvantages of both ideas.


My essay:

To begin with, in contrast to the idea that personal experiences and discoveries can endow people with the opportunity to live a more splendid life, some opponents allege that human lifespan is extremely limited and fleeting in comparison with the enormous volume of required knowledge and experiences wich people demand during their lives. Therefore, more efficient strategies--consulting with others and analyzing different attitudes--are supposed to be considered by which people are able to acquire some informative learning in a more profound and convenient way. Although at first glance these allegations seem somewhat correct and logical, a more detailed scrutiny of the facts would reveal that nowadays, with the development of state-of-the-art facilities and technologies, namely the Internet, digital social media, cellphones, and modern scientific resources, to name but a handful, people can benefit from a wide variety of tools to put some teeth into their experiences and practical information.

Apart from the approach I mentioned above, even if it is supposed that consulting with others, especially erdudite and accomplished specialties, is an inseparable part of a promissing future, there are most probably other competitively alternative options, such as travelling to other places and studying history books, which are worthy of being remarked. The essence of prudence, or practical wisdom, is in any given case always to choose the lesser of two evils or the greater of two goods. It is of course often difficult, sometimes even impossible, to know with any certainty which of the two evils is lesser or which of the two goods is greater. With this in mind, people are supposed to think out of the box in a more comprehensive way. To this end, a combination of several measures, including both consultation and personal perceptions, might sound to be the most satisfying notion to cut negative results to the bone.
 

teechar

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Hello MachEnglish, and welcome to the forum. :)
Can you tell us where you found that essay prompt? It doesn't sound very natural or even likely in an exam setting.
 

MachEnglish

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Hello MachEnglish, and welcome to the forum. :)
Can you tell us where you found that essay prompt? It doesn't sound very natural or even likely in an exam setting.

Thank you for your messagae.

Actually I have found it in a book related to the toefl exam. For example, when you want to go on trip, you prefer whether to consult with others about that trip or not.

Can you evaluate my essay?
 

Lynxear

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Dear friends/teachers,

Could you evaluate my essay, especially in terms of being to the point?

Topic: Some people prefer to enhance their knowledge by consulting with other people, while others prefer to experience different things by themselves. Discuss advantages and disadvantages of both ideas.


My essay:

To begin with, in contrast to the idea that personal experiences and discoveries can endow people with the opportunity to live a more splendid life, some opponents allege that human lifespan is extremely limited and fleeting in comparison with the enormous volume of required knowledge and experiences [STRIKE]wich[/STRIKE]people demand during their lives. Therefore, more efficient strategies--consulting with others and analyzing different attitudes--are supposed to be considered by which people are able to acquire some informative learning in a more profound and convenient way. Although at first glance these allegations seem somewhat correct and logical, a more detailed scrutiny of the facts would reveal that nowadays, with the development of state-of-the-art facilities and technologies, namely the Internet, digital social media, cellphones, and modern scientific resources, to name but a handful, people can benefit from a wide variety of tools to put some teeth into their experiences and practical information.

Apart from the approach I mentioned above, even if it is supposed that consulting with others, especially [STRIKE]erdudite[/STRIKE] and accomplished specialties, is an inseparable part of a [STRIKE]promissing[/STRIKE]future, there are most probably other competitively alternative options, such as [STRIKE]travelling[/STRIKE] to other places and studying history books, which are worthy of being remarked. The essence of prudence, or practical wisdom, is in any given case always to choose the lesser of two evils or the greater of two goods. It is of course often difficult, sometimes even impossible, to know with any certainty which of the two evils is lesser or which of the two goods is greater. With this in mind, people are supposed to think out of the box in a more comprehensive way. To this end, a combination of several measures, including both consultation and personal perceptions, might sound to be the most satisfying notion to cut negative results to the bone.

Before I consider other aspects your essay (such as condensing your sentences), I want you to revisit the sections I have highlighted. This are HUGE sentences. They can be broken down into 2-3 sentences that would be easier to read. The strikeouts in red are spelling errors.

Give us an updated draft and then we will look at your work closer in other areas. Step by step is how I like to do these things. :)
 

MachEnglish

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Before I consider other aspects your essay (such as condensing your sentences), I want you to revisit the sections I have highlighted. This are HUGE sentences. They can be broken down into 2-3 sentences that would be easier to read. The strikeouts in red are spelling errors.

Give us an updated draft and then we will look at your work closer in other areas. Step by step is how I like to do these things. :)


Thank you so much.




To begin with, in contrast to the idea that personal experiences and discoveries can endow people with the opportunity to live a more splendid life, some opponents allege that human lifespan is extremely limited and fleeting. In addition, people demand the enormous volume of required knowledge and experiences during their lives. Therefore, more efficient strategies--consulting with others and analyzing different attitudes--are supposed to be considered by which people are able to acquire some informative learning in a more profound and convenient way. Although at first glance these allegations seem somewhat correct and logical, a more detailed scrutiny of the facts would reveal that nowadays, state-of-the-art facilities and technologies, namely the Internet, digital social media, cellphones, and modern scientific resources, to name but a handful, have significantly been developed. As a result, people can benefit from a wide variety of tools to put some teeth into their experiences and practical information.

Apart from the approach I mentioned above, even if it is supposed that consulting with others, especially erudite and accomplished specialties, is an inseparable part of a promising future, there are most probably other competitively alternative options, such as travelling to other places and studying history books, whichare worthy of being remarked. The essence of prudence, or practical wisdom, is in any given case always to choose the lesser of two evils or the greater of two goods. It is of course often difficult, sometimes even impossible, to know with any certainty which of the two evils is lesser or which of the two goods is greater. With this in mind, people are supposed to think out of the box in a more comprehensive way. To this end, a combination of several measures, including both consultation and personal perceptions, might sound to be the most satisfying notion to cut negative results to the bone.
 

MachEnglish

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This part "such as travelling to other places and studying history books" should be removed as well.

Best regards,
 
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Lynxear

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I see that you have broken down the sentences in each highlighted section as I had asked. Let us look at the first paragraph.


[STRIKE]To begin with, [/STRIKE]In contrast to the idea that personal experiences and discoveries can endow people with the opportunity to live a more splendid life, some opponents allege that human lifespan is extremely limited and fleeting. In addition, people demand [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE]an enormous volume of [STRIKE]required[/STRIKE] knowledge and experiences during their lives. Therefore, more efficient strategies--consulting with others and analyzing different attitudes--are supposed to be considered by which people are able to acquire some informative learning in a more profound and convenient way. Although at first glance these allegations seem somewhat correct and logical, a more detailed scrutiny of the facts would reveal that nowadays, state-of-the-art facilities and technologies, namely the Internet, digital social media, cellphones, and modern scientific resources, to name but a handful, have significantly been developed. As a result, people can benefit from a wide variety of tools to put some teeth into their experiences and practical information.

This is not an easy paragraph to read. The first sentence is usually the topic sentence for the paragraph. I have struck-out "To begin with" it does not add to the sentence at all.

In contrast to the idea that personal experiences and discoveries can endow people with the opportunity to live a more splendid life, some opponents allege that human lifespan is extremely limited and fleeting.

I find this sentence a bit hard to understand as a main statement. Are you trying to say that some people don't think enriching a person's life is worth it? I don't see how this end of the sentence serves as a contrast. Most people live to an age of at least 65 years old. I don't see that is a "fleeting" "limited" lifespan.

The following sentence appears to belong to the end of the first sentence.

In addition, people demand an enormous volume of required knowledge and experiences during their lives.

When I look at this, I would say that you did not break your initial sentence in the correct place.

I might break up the sentence like this:

Some people believe personal experiences and discoveries can endow people with the opportunity to live a more splendid life. In contrast, opponents allege that people demand an enormous volume of knowledge and experiences during their lives and human lifespan is extremely limited and fleeting.

I eliminated "some" because leaving it in implies there are other "opponents" with different ideas.
Also "required" has been removed. I doubt there is a specified amount that anyone is supposed to learn.

Therefore, more efficient strategies - consulting with others and analyzing different attitudes - are supposed to be considered by which people are able to acquire some informative learning in a more profound and convenient way.

I find this very confusing. It is not your grammar that is the issue for me. It is your thought process in composing this paragraph. It seems to me that you are arguing that personal experience and discovery is not the way to enrich one's life because there is too much to learn. You seem to be suggesting that they should sit by a computer as well as talk to others about their experiences, in order to enrich their lives quicker and more completely. I have to ask myself, "Why can they not do both?"

What I think you are trying to say is that technology has come to the point that people can enrich their lives quicker than in the past.
If I am right, then I think you should make such a declaration in your first sentence, setting the tone for the paragraph. This first sentence of yours makes what follows very difficult for me to understand what you are trying to say.
 
Last edited:

emsr2d2

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"Travelling" is the correct spelling in BrE.
 

MachEnglish

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I see that you have broken down the sentences in each highlighted section as I had asked. Let us look at the first paragraph.



This is not an easy paragraph to read. The first sentence is usually the topic sentence for the paragraph. I have struck-out "To begin with" it does not add to the sentence at all.

In contrast to the idea that personal experiences and discoveries can endow people with the opportunity to live a more splendid life, some opponents allege that human lifespan is extremely limited and fleeting.

I find this sentence a bit hard to understand as a main statement. Are you trying to say that some people don't think enriching a person's life is worth it? I don't see how this end of the sentence serves as a contrast. Most people live to an age of at least 65 years old. I don't see that is a "fleeting" "limited" lifespan.



The following sentence appears to belong to the end of the first sentence.

In addition, people demand an enormous volume of required knowledge and experiences during their lives.

When I look at this, I would say that you did not break your initial sentence in the correct place.

I might break up the sentence like this:

Some people believe personal experiences and discoveries can endow people with the opportunity to live a more splendid life. In contrast, opponents allege that people demand an enormous volume of knowledge and experiences during their lives and human lifespan is extremely limited and fleeting.

I eliminated "some" because leaving it in implies there are other "opponents" with different ideas.
Also "required" has been removed. I doubt there is a specified amount that anyone is supposed to learn.

Therefore, more efficient strategies - consulting with others and analyzing different attitudes - are supposed to be considered by which people are able to acquire some informative learning in a more profound and convenient way.

I find this very confusing. It is not your grammar that is the issue for me. It is your thought process in composing this paragraph. It seems to me that you are arguing that personal experience and discovery is not the way to enrich one's life because there is too much to learn. You seem to be suggesting that they should sit by a computer as well as talk to others about their experiences, in order to enrich their lives quicker and more completely. I have to ask myself, "Why can they not do both?"

What I think you are trying to say is that technology has come to the point that people can enrich their lives quicker than in the past.
If I am right, then I think you should make such a declaration in your first sentence, setting the tone for the paragraph. This first sentence of yours makes what follows very difficult for me to understand what you are trying to say.


Thank you so much for your useful suggestions.

I add Introduction and Conclusion sections as follows. is it already more clear?


Human development is a process that continues throughout our lives from infancy to adulthood, and various factors can have an impact on that. Needless to say, different people with diverse attitudes can strikingly affect person's knowledge and characteristics. However, I believe that personal experiences are play a more influential role in acquiring in-depth and perpetual information and skills. I will try to examine below some of the reasons for my claim all of which I would consider to be amongst the most prevalent viewpoints.


To begin with, in contrast to the idea that personal experiences and discoveries can endow people with the opportunity to live a more splendid life, some opponents allege that human lifespan is extremely limited and fleeting. In addition, people demand the enormous volume of required knowledge and experiences during their lives. Therefore, more efficient strategies--consulting with others and analyzing different attitudes--are supposed to be considered by which people are able to acquire some informative learning in a more profound and convenient way. Although at first glance these allegations seem somewhat correct and logical, a more detailed scrutiny of the facts would reveal that nowadays, state-of-the-art facilities and technologies, namely the Internet, digital social media, cellphones, and modern scientific resources, to name but a handful, have significantly been developed. As a result, people can benefit from a wide variety of tools to put some teeth into their experiences and practical information.

Apart from the approach I mentioned above, even if it is supposed that consulting with others, especially erudite and accomplished specialties, is an inseparable part of a promising future, there are most probably other competitively alternative options which are worthy of being remarked. The essence of prudence, or practical wisdom, is in any given case always to choose the lesser of two evils or the greater of two goods. It is of course often difficult, sometimes even impossible, to know with any certainty which of the two evils is lesser or which of the two goods is greater. With this in mind, people are supposed to think out of the box in a more comprehensive way. To this end, a combination of several measures, including both consultation and personal perceptions, might sound to be the most satisfying notion to cut negative results to the bone.

To sum up, after all the factors being taken into account, I might come to a conclusion that at different points in human history, the role of consultation with others in one's mental and behavioral development has been uneven. In today's world, thanks to the technological advancements, especially the Internet and computers, people are able to obtain quite a bit of knowledge more autonomously and rapidly.
 

Lynxear

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I still have difficulties with your now second paragraph for the reasons I have stated in my last post to you and which I see is unchanged. You certainly can compose long sentences. You should watch that because it sometimes makes your writing confusing, at least to me.

I realize I may be trying to influence your writing in a direction you don't want to go. I won't interfere any more and wish you luck on your submission.
 

MachEnglish

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I still have difficulties with your now second paragraph for the reasons I have stated in my last post to you and which I see is unchanged. You certainly can compose long sentences. You should watch that because it sometimes makes your writing confusing, at least to me.

I realize I may be trying to influence your writing in a direction you don't want to go. I won't interfere any more and wish you luck on your submission.

Thank you once again for your guidelines.


Best regards,
 
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