Help me understand the speech

[KEN JPN]

Hi, I am now learning through the speech of David McCullough, Jr. - You Are Not Special Commencement Speech - Wellesley High School.

This is a very nice speech, having a great reputation now.

The second paragraph:
So here we are… commencement… life’s great forward-looking ceremony. And don’t say, “What about weddings?” Weddings are one-sided and insufficiently effective. Weddings are bride-centric pageantry. Other than conceding to a list of unreasonable demands, the groom just stands there. No stately, hey-everybody-look-at-me procession. No being given away. No identity-changing pronouncement.

I would like to know what "Other than conceding to a list of unreasonable demands" means here.
I roughly understand he is joking with a wedding ceremony but not really clear with this part.
Could anyone paraphrase this part so that I can deeply understand what he means here?

Thank you in advance.

 

[emsr2d2]

Hi, I am now learning through the speech of David McCullough, Jr. - You Are Not Special Commencement Speech - Wellesley High School.

This is a very nice speech, having a great reputation now.

The second paragraph:
So here we are… commencement… life’s great forward-looking ceremony. And don’t say, “What about weddings?” Weddings are one-sided and insufficiently effective. Weddings are bride-centric pageantry. Other than conceding to a list of unreasonable demands, the groom just stands there. No stately, hey-everybody-look-at-me procession. No being given away. No identity-changing pronouncement.

I would like to know what "Other than conceding to a list of unreasonable demands" means here.
I roughly understand he is joking with a wedding ceremony but not really clear with this part.
Could anyone paraphrase this part so that I can deeply understand what he means here?

Thank you in advance.

The writer is joking about the fact that weddings concentrate very heavily on the bride. The bride is the one with the dress, the shoes, the hair, the make-up, she is probably the one who designed the invitations, chose the flowers, arranged the seating plan and a million other things. She's the one who walks up the aisle with everyone staring at her. Her father "gives her away" to her new man. She changes her name.

Basically, the groom just has to turn up, stand there, and "agree to a list of unreasonable demands" - the wedding vows ("I promise to love, honour ...", agrees to hand over his worldly goods, hang around even when she's ill etc etc).

In case you're interested, the standard, classic Church of England wedding vows (or unreasonable demands!) are:

"The original wedding vows, as printed in The Book of Common Prayer, are:

Groom: I,____, take thee,_____, to be my lawful wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.
​

Bride: I,_____, take thee,_____, to be my lawful wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.
​

Then, as the groom places the ring on the bride's finger, he says the following:

With this Ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.
​

In the Alternative Service Book (1980) two versions of the vows are included: the bride and groom must select one of the versions only. Version A:

I,N, take you, N, to be my wife (or husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy law, and this is my solemn vow.
​

Version B is identical except for the clause "to love and to cherish" where the groom says "to love, cherish, and worship" and the bride says "to love, cherish, and obey"."

 

[SoothingDave]

The reason this speech is noteworthy is because it was not a "nice" speech. It may have been truthful, but it wasn't nice.

I would have thought the "unreasonable demands" had to do with the wedding planning, but you have a point that he was probably talking about the vows.

 

[KEN JPN]

Wow, thank you very, very much for your quick, excellent explanation!
The additional information is also very interesting and instructive.

Now, let me go on, may I?

And can you imagine a television show dedicated to watching guys try on tuxedos? Their fathers sitting there misty-eyed with joy and disbelief, their brothers lurking in the corner muttering with envy. Left to men, weddings would be, after limits-testing procrastination, spontaneous, almost inadvertent… during halftime… on the way to the refrigerator. And then there’s the frequency of failure: statistics tell us half of you will get divorced. A winning percentage like that’ll get you last place in the American League East. The Baltimore Orioles do better than weddings.

"their fathers" here means "the fathers of groom, right?
Why "joy and disbelief"? JOY and DISBELIEF sound opposite.

 

[emsr2d2]

Wow, thank you very, very much for your quick, excellent explanation!
The additional information is also very interesting and instructive.

Now, let me go on, may I?

And can you imagine a television show dedicated to watching guys try on tuxedos? Their fathers sitting there misty-eyed with joy and disbelief, their brothers lurking in the corner muttering with envy. Left to men, weddings would be, after limits-testing procrastination, spontaneous, almost inadvertent… during halftime… on the way to the refrigerator. And then there’s the frequency of failure: statistics tell us half of you will get divorced. A winning percentage like that’ll get you last place in the American League East. The Baltimore Orioles do better than weddings.

"their fathers" here means "the fathers of groom, right?
Why "joy and disbelief"? JOY and DISBELIEF sound opposite.

There are several reality TV shows which follow brides in the lead-up to their wedding. One shot which appears a lot is that of the bride emerging from a changing room in a bridal shop, wearing her wedding dress for the very first time. Usually, the bride's mother (and sister and cousin and best friend and dog!) are waiting in the shop and when she comes out of the dressing room, they usually cry! This is, of course, happy crying. There is also sometimes a look of disbelief on their face - "I can't believe how beautiful you look", "I can't believe my baby's getting married" etc etc.

So yes, the writer is referring to the very unlikely situation of a reality TV show where the cameras follow the groom to watch him try on his tuxedo for the first time, watched by his father who will presumably cry in joy and disbelief etc etc. I'm fairly certain that does not actually happen!

 

[KEN JPN]

Very interesting! You explanation about the background of western wedding makes me understand the joke in the speech very well. Could you also explain the "joy and disbelief" part we well?

 

[SoothingDave]

The disbelief is that someone would actually want to marry their sons, I believe.

 

[emsr2d2]

The disbelief is that someone would actually want to marry their sons, I believe.

On a less cynical note, I think some parents simply cannot believe that their "baby" has grown up and is going off to get married. I think I mentioned that in my first response.

 

[KEN JPN]

Oh, I see.
Feeling joy and at the same time the father cannot believe that his daughter is getting married.
Complex feeling, mixture of joy and loneliness. Kind of that?
What "disbelief" here means is clear to me now. Thanks!

Next part:
Left to men, weddings would be, after limits-testing procrastination, spontaneous, almost inadvertent… during halftime… on the way to the refrigerator. And then there’s the frequency of failure: statistics tell us half of you will get divorced. A winning percentage like that’ll get you last place in the American League East. The Baltimore Orioles do better than weddings.

The red letter part is hard to understand.
I hope you can help, if only you have time.

 

[charliedeut]

Hi KEN,

"procrastinate" means "delay" or "postpone". So, after leaving it for later for a zillion times, a man would just need the time between the two halves of a (for instance, football or basketball) match, which I guess is around 10-15 minutes, to get married. And he would still have time to go to the fridge for a cold drink before the game resumed.

Greetings,

charliedeut

 

[KEN JPN]

Well, in the part "after limits-testing procrastination", where does the "limits-testing" come from?
I am not sure why this red letter part is inserted here.

 

[KEN JPN]

Well, about the part "after limits-testing procrastination", where does this "limit-testing" come from?
I am not sure why "after limits-testing procrastination" is inserted there.

Without that part, I think I can take this part meaning,
"A man could finish his wedding only within a short time between the two halves of a football match. And even after finishing the wedding, he would still have another extra time to go to the fridge to get a drink before the latter half of the match starts."
So, how "after limits-testing procrastination" connects the other part is not clear yet.

 

[SoothingDave]

After testing the limits of procrastination. After delaying the wedding as long as he can, until he absolutely needs to do it or the woman will leave him or kill him.

After testing the limits of putting the wedding off, he will do so spontaneously during halftime. Just to get it done with and since there's nothing much going on during halftime. He has 15 minutes to kill.

 

[KEN JPN]

Oh, I see. It's so clear now. Thanks a lot!

Next part:
But this ceremony… commencement… a commencement works every time. From this day forward… truly… in sickness and in health, through financial fiascos, through midlife crises and passably attractive sales reps at trade shows in Cincinnati, (parents get that) through diminishing tolerance for annoyingness, through every difference, irreconcilable and otherwise, you will stay forever graduated from high school, you and your diploma as one, ‘til death do you part.

I understand the rough idea of this passage: Different from a wedding ceremony, a commencement is always important for the life, never loses its significance. (Correct so far?) But the red letter part above is still difficult to understand.

 

[SoothingDave]

The midlfe crisis apparently involves flirtation (or more) with a "passably attractive" person met while away from home at a trade show.

 

[KEN JPN]

OK, thank you again, so, I guess the writer compares the relationship between wife and husband to that between a graduate and the diploma.

Next:
You’re not special. You are not exceptional.

Contrary to what your U9 soccer trophy suggests, your glowing 7th grade report card, despite every assurance of a certain corpulent purple dinosaur, that nice Mister Rogers and your batty Aunt Sylvia, no matter how often your maternal caped crusader has swooped in to save you… you’re nothing special.

a certain corpulent purple dinosaur --- I can tell this is Barney ( because my kid always watch the video )
Mister Rogers --- Kids' TV show person?
your batty Aunt Sylvia -- Who is this??
your maternal caped crusader --- I have no idea what this means

As a whole, I understand the meaning of this passage: Even though many TV kids' show character praise you, you are nothing special.

I'd like to understand further about the cultural background of his speech.

 

[SoothingDave]

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I thought everyone knew who Mister Rogers was.

Your batty Aunt Sylvia is a relative of yours who is a bit crazy. He is giving an example. Not every kid has an aunt named Sylvia, of course.

The maternal caped crusader is the kid's mother. Caped crusader is a term to refer to a superhero.

And no, he's not comparing husband and wife to graduate and diploma. He is comparing wedding ceremony to graduation ceremony. Saying that a marriage can end, but your diploma is forever.

 

[5jj]

I thought everyone knew who Mister Rogers was.

. No. Never heard of him.

 

[emsr2d2]

. No. Never heard of him.

Nor have I.

 

[Barb_D]

He was an American icon. I watched him when I was young and so did my kids. He was a very gentle person who made little children feel good.