Her eyes searched the house

alpacinou

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Is this correct and natural?

Her eyes searched the house, looking for him. Her mind was wrapped in a wine-induced fog. Even that couldn't stop her from thinking about John. A lust for him was growing in her gut that could easily get out of control. A voice was echoing in her head, he's married, he's married, only intensifying her desire. She shoved down the shame and the guilt swirling inside her and walked towards John who was standing in the kitchen. Leaning on the countertop, she flicked her hair behind her shoulder, showing off her cleavage. "Are you gonna peel potatoes, John?" she said, giving him a flirty smile. No sooner had she said the words that regret overcame her. Even through her drunken haze she understood how silly she must have come off.
 

emsr2d2

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I'm not sure she could search the house with anything but her eyes (unless she's blind). Was she standing still and scanning the house from the outside? Was she inside? If so, she must have been moving around the house, not just moving her eyes.
 

alpacinou

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I'm not sure she could search the house with anything but her eyes (unless she's blind). Was she standing still and scanning the house from the outside? Was she inside? If so, she must have been moving around the house, not just moving her eyes.


Okay. What about now?

She stood in the living, searching for him. Her mind was wrapped in a wine-induced fog. Even that couldn't stop her from thinking about John. A lust for him was growing in her gut that could easily get out of control. A voice was echoing in her head, he's married, he's married, only intensifying her desire. She shoved down the shame and the guilt swirling inside her and walked towards John who was standing in the kitchen. Leaning on the countertop, she flicked her hair behind her shoulder, showing off her cleavage. "Are you gonna peel potatoes, John?" she said, giving him a flirty smile. No sooner had she said the words that regret overcame her. Even through her drunken haze she understood how silly she must have come off.
 

emsr2d2

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"She stood in the living"? You've omitted a word!
 

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No sooner had she said the words than regret overcame her.
 

alpacinou

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"She stood in the living"? You've omitted a word!


She stood in the living room, searching for him. Her mind was wrapped in a wine-induced fog. Even that couldn't stop her from thinking about John. A lust for him was growing in her gut that could easily get out of control. A voice was echoing in her head, he's married, he's married, only intensifying her desire. She shoved down the shame and the guilt swirling inside her and walked towards John who was standing in the kitchen. Leaning on the countertop, she flicked her hair behind her shoulder, showing off her cleavage. "Are you gonna peel potatoes, John?" she said, giving him a flirty smile. No sooner had she said the words than regret overcame her. Even through her drunken haze she understood how silly she must have come off.
 

Tarheel

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I would put a comma after towards John and maybe say sounded instead of come off.
 

emsr2d2

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She stood in the living room, searching for him. This doesn't make much sense. If she's standing in one room, she can really only look around that one room. Unless the room is absolutely enormous, she wouldn't need to "search" it to work out if another person was in the same room! I'd say something like "She stood in the living room, wondering where John was".

Her mind was wrapped in a wine-induced fog. Even that couldn't stop her from thinking about John. This doesn't need to be two sentences. Try "Even in her wine-induced fog, she couldn't stop thinking about him".

A lust for him was growing in her gut that could easily get out of control. I don't think people feel lust in their gut. It sounds very odd. Try "The lust she was feeling for him threatened to get out of control".

A voice was echoing in her head - "He's married, he's married", whichonly [STRIKE]intensifying[/STRIKE] intensified her desire.

She shoved down the shame and the guilt swirling inside her and walked towards John who was standing in the kitchen. A few sentences ago, she was searching for him in the living room. When did she realise he was in the kitchen? Try "... and walked towards the kitchen, where she finally found John".

Leaning on the countertop, she flicked her hair behind her shoulder, showing off her cleavage. "Are you gonna peel the potatoes, John?" she said, giving him a flirty smile.

No sooner had she said the words than she was overcome with regret. [STRIKE]overcame her.[/STRIKE]

Even through her drunken haze she understood how silly she must have [STRIKE]come off[/STRIKE] sounded.

See my changes and comments above.
 
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