[Essay] Homeschooling

ambitious-girl

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I would appreciate it if you could check the following paragraph for any mistakes:

There has been big movement towards homeschooling in many parts of the world, especially in modern developed countries. For those who live in remote or isolated areas, such as some parts of Australia and Alaskan, educating children at home may be the only option available to them. However, more and more parents are choosing to teach their schoolchildren at home, being dissatisfied with the local school available to them. They may also feel that their children’s educational needs cannot be adequately addressed in such schools, or they may have a differing educational philosophy. That is, many parents whose children posses exceptional talents or interests in some specific areas may prefer educating them at home to sending them to a formal school, believing that their children’s potential cannot be fully realized at schools.
 
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Lynxear

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I would appreciate it if you could check the following paragraph for any mistakes:

There has been a big movement towards homeschooling in many parts of the world, especially in modern developed countries. For those who live in remote or isolated areas, such as [STRIKE]some[/STRIKE] parts of Australia and Alaska[STRIKE]n[/STRIKE], educating children at home may be the only option available to them. [STRIKE]However, [/STRIKE]More and more parents are choosing to teach their [STRIKE]school[/STRIKE]children at home[STRIKE], being dissatisfied with the local school available to them. They may also feel that their childrenÂ’s educational needs cannot be adequately addressed in such schools,[/STRIKE] They may feel dissatisfied with local schools, believing that they cannot address their children's educational needs. [STRIKE]or they[/STRIKE] The parents may have a differing educational philosophy[STRIKE]. That is, many parents whose[/STRIKE] or their children may possess exceptional talents or interests in some specific areas [STRIKE]may prefer educating them at home to sending them to a formal school, believing that their childrenÂ’s potential[/STRIKE] that cannot be fully realized at schools.

You are still falling back into your habit of linking sentences together with "that is", however" when they are not necessary. "However" is used when you are proposing a different point of view. In your paragraph you are not doing this. It is the same view expressed slightly differently.

John thinks that he is so smart. However, the rest of the school has a different opinion of his intelligence.:tick:

See how I am expressing a different point of view in the second sentence.

John thinks that he is so smart. However, the rest of the school agrees that his intelligence is brilliant.:cross:

This is similar to what you are doing. There is no alternate point of view in the second sentence, so "however" does not work here.

Here is the paragraph with corrections:

There has been a big movement towards homeschooling in many parts of the world, especially in modern developed countries. For those who live in remote or isolated areas, such as parts of Australia and Alaska, educating children at home may be the only option available to them. More and more parents are choosing to teach their children at home. They may feel dissatisfied with local schools, believing that they cannot address their children's educational needs. The parents may have a differing educational philosophy or their children may possess exceptional talents or interests in some specific areas that cannot be fully realized at schools.

I have rewritten some sentences, combining some pieces and splitting others. Overall I think you have ordered your points very well after your opening sentence.



 
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ambitious-girl

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You are still falling back into your habit of linking sentences together with "that is", however" when they are not necessary. "However" is used when you are proposing a different point of view.
I appreciate your help Lynxear. The reason I used "however" was the following:

"People who live in an isolated area have to homeschool their children, but those who can have an access to local schools still want to educate their children." I want to show contrast that's why I use "however". It seems to be wrong, though. I'll try to be more careful on using such connectors. Thanks.
 

Lynxear

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I appreciate your help Lynxear. The reason I used "however" was the following:

"People who live in an isolated area have to homeschool their children, but those who can have an access to local schools still want to educate their children." I want to show contrast that's why I use "however". It seems to be wrong, though. I'll try to be more careful on using such connectors. Thanks.

When you write the sentence like this using the word "still" as well as "but" or "however", it makes sound like other parents who do have access to local schools are doing homeschool despite what the isolated people do. This is not true. One group homeschools out of necessity, whereas the other homeschools out of a desire to better their child's education. The two reasons are independent of each other.

Actually linking the two reasons together with "whereas" would work in this situation. However, I still like the way I suggested better. They are independent thoughts. Making separate sentence "fleshes" out the paragraph and makes it flow better.
 

ambitious-girl

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Making separate sentence "fleshes" out the paragraph and makes it flow better.
That is what our teachers don't like it at all, and they make us use and create more and more complicated sentences in our essays. I would also like to follow they way you suggest, though.
 

Lynxear

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That is what our teachers don't like it at all, and they make us use and create more and more complicated sentences in our essays. I would also like to follow they way you suggest, though.

You can still make your sentences more complex, but don't do it by combining sentences that read well separately. Make more complex sentences that add interest to each sentence by using adjective and adverb clauses that describe the main thought of that sentence in more detail.
 
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