[Essay] How can I improve this essay?Is it good enough for CAE?

diana.rosca

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It is a hotly debated matter that schoolds provide insufficient career support for their pupils. This essay aims to showcase how this vexing matter can be refined.

First of all, work experience programs are of paramount importance in deciding one's career path in light of the fact that they offer sheer experience and enrich the comprehension of a chosen domain or profession.
For example, a medical student may get more clinical experience or see subjects approached differently by foreign teachers. Moreover, exchange experience broadens knowledge on cultural diversity and looks impressive on a CV.

Second of all, it is unequivocal that schools and universities students get hands-on experience through additional courses and qualifications. Not only would they be provided with a clearer vision of their future jobs' implications, but they would also become eligible for better-paid jobs.

To summarize the arguments previously presented, I truly believe students ought to be endorsed by universities or schools through exchanging programs, courses, and qualifications to ensure complacent employment.
 
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jutfrank

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The first thing to say is that this is not a CAE task. Tell us where you found this task and exactly what the task rubric said and/or what the task instructions were.
 

diana.rosca

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CAE Writing Task - Essay
Your class has taken part in a seminar on whether the education system does enough to help young people to find jobs which fit their abilities and interests. You have made the notes below:
METHODS SCHOOLS AND UNIVERSITIES USE TO HELP STUDENTS FIND SUITABLE JOBS
· Providing courses and qualifications
· Work experience programmes
· Careers advice
Write an essay discussing two of the methods in your notes. You should explain which method is more effective giving reasons in support of your answer. 220-260 words in an appropriate style.
 
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jutfrank

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Okay, thank you, Diana.

Could you explain why your essay stands at only 165 words? That's a long way short of the minimum requirement of 220. The general standard of your grammar and vocabulary is clearly high enough to get a very good grade in the CAE exam, but you must make sure you write enough, so that your examiners have sufficient evidence to award you the grade you deserve.
 

Tarheel

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This essay aims to showcase how this vexing matter can be refined.

What dues "refined" mean there? Also, what is meant by "showcase"?
 

Tdol

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Exchange programs
 
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