[Essay] I need TOEFL independent essay critique

Status
Not open for further replies.

zambak

New member
Joined
Oct 9, 2020
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Turkish
Home Country
Turkey
Current Location
United States
Question: Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities? Use specific reasons ad examples to support your answer.

Every people have a different way of enjoying their life. While some people occupied themself with peaceful activities, some find challenging activities more amusing like dangerous sports. I believe there are three main reasons why people are attracted to extreme sports.



First of all, dangerous sports are found by people attractive because some people want to be different than the rest of society. Throughout human history, people replicate each other behaviors so society can accept them. Especially with the advent of television and social media, everyone became each other's copies. However, some people do not want to be part of this profile is made by society. So, they try different activities, like dangerous sports. For instance, my neighbor Dave use to do scuba diving close to the coast, but after Instagram posts, that place became popular. He did not want to be part of social media culture, so he started doing something difficult and dangerous, cave diving. Dave and his friends, who have the same beliefs as Dave, are diving deep and long caves every week to be different. The majority of those who do this kind of sports are marginalized themself on purpose, so they will not become like everyone.


Furthermore, these kinds of sports can be addictive because of adrenaline. It is a fact that after extreme sports human body produces adrenaline, and some people love the energy they got from adrenaline. Notwithstanding the danger they are in, these people find themself doing extreme sports to feel the adrenaline. For example, we can compare two mountain-based sports, rock climbing, and hiking. If a hiking lover tries rock climbing, that person might not want to go hiking anymore because they can find hiking calming, and it will not give the same excitement as climbing. These people do extreme sports in order to feel alive.


Also, besides the reasons are stated above, some people like to push their abilities. Some people want to challenge themselves. This way, they will see that they can do more and more in life if they work hard. For example, some people do sky diving even though they are scared, but being scared of it will not stop them from doing it. These people want to prove something to themself. These kinds of people show themself or some time to other people they can do everything if they push enough, it does not matter even it is hard or scary.

In conclusion, I believe that people who find dangerous sports attractive try to prove something to themself and other people. They are looking for different ways to stay attached to this life while being different than others.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

emsr2d2

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
UK
Welcome to the forum. :hi:

Here's a start - "Every people" is wrong. Try again.
 

tedmc

VIP Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
Malaysia
Current Location
Malaysia
I have some comments:

1. Challenging activities can hardly be amusing. Appealing/attractive to some, perhaps.

2. dangerous sports are found by people attractive - people find dangerous sports attractive

3. sports can be addictive because of the adrenaline rush ​(it provides)
4. People don't marginalize themselves.

5. People push their limits, not abilities.



 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top