Increasing Divorce Rates

[Erbab]

Hello!

I am preparing for IELTS, and I have written this essay as an answer of question below. I hope you can help me correct my mistakes.

"In some parts of the world, the rate of divorce has increased dramatically over the pastfew decades.Explain some possible reasons for this problem and suggest some solutions."

Increasing divorce rate is becoming a serious issue in some countries. I belive one of the major reasons of this problem is that people do not have a fulfilling work life. However, fortunately, there are ways to deal with this problem.

In my opinion, the biggest cause of divorce is harsh work conditions. Employers are demanding long working hours with a very less salary. Therefore, people do not earn what they really deserve and it affects their mental health adversely. They can not have enough leisure time for themselves and their family, and they frequently can not spend their money to live in a little luxury. People can only afford some fundamental needs to survive. All of this adds up to an unhappy family life.

Fortunately, there are things that can be done to solve some of these problems. People can accept these bad conditions and try to use them to strenghten their connections to each other. Changing people’s mindset is likely to help save a marriage. Couples may try to get a therapy to replace their negative thoughts with more positive ones. People also try to look for more fulfilling job opportunities, if their current job is stressful and demanding. These things require changing one’s lifestyle, but they can lead to a happier marriage and family life.

Life is demanding and family life is inevitably coming under the influence of these demanding conditions. As a result of this, a rise in divorce rates can be observed in some parts of the world. However, some changes in people’s perspective and lifestyle may be a cure for this problem.

 

[teechar]

When are you planning to sit for the IELTS test?
That essay is a bit short.
Take a look at some of my replies in the following links (another forum in which I am active) to learn more about essay structure.

https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayAgreeDisagreeYoungEnjoyLife-Older/bjnlwx/post.htm
https://www.englishforums.com/English/CanAnyoneCheckEssay/bwpzmg/post.htm

 

[Erbab]

Thank you very much for your answer. I will take the exam after two or three months. However, an essay for the IELTS test should consist of at least 250 words. My essay exceeds this limit and satisfies the condition (271 words).

I have tried to analyze my essay to find out the problem.

For the introduction part:

General statement: Increasing divorce rate is becoming a serious issue in some countries.
Background: I belive one of the major reasons of this problem is that people do not have a fulfilling work life.
Thesis/purpose statement: However, fortunately, there are ways to deal with this problem.

I think my introduction part is okay.

Anyway, I will rewrite my essay and share it again. Maybe I can add more sentences to body paragraphs.

 

[tedmc]

Hello!

I am preparing for IELTS, and I have written this essay as an answer [STRIKE]of [/STRIKE] to the question below. I hope you can help me correct my mistakes.

"In some parts of the world, the rate of divorce has increased dramatically over the past few decades.Explain some possible reasons for this problem and suggest some solutions."

Increasing divorce rate is becoming a serious issue in some countries. I believe one of the major reasons [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] for this problem is that people do not have a fulfilling work life. However, fortunately, there are ways to deal with this problem.

In my opinion, the biggest cause of divorce is harsh work conditions. Employers are demanding long working hours with a very [STRIKE]less[/STRIKE] low salary. Therefore, people do not earn what they really deserve and it affects their mental health adversely. They [STRIKE]can not[/STRIKE] do not have enough leisure time for themselves and their family, and they frequently cannot spend their money to[STRIKE] live in[/STRIKE] enjoy a little luxury. People can only afford [STRIKE]some[/STRIKE] the fundamental needs to survive. All of this adds up to an unhappy family life.

Fortunately, there are things that can be done to solve some of these problems. People can accept these bad conditions and try to use them to strengthen their connections to each other. Changing people’s mindset is likely to help save a marriage. Couples may try [STRIKE]to get a[/STRIKE] go for therapy to replace their negative thoughts with [STRIKE]more [/STRIKE]positive ones. People can also try to look for more fulfilling job opportunities, if their current jobs [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] are stressful and demanding. These things require changing one’s lifestyle, but they can lead to a happier marriage and family life.

Working life is demanding and family life [STRIKE]is [/STRIKE]inevitably [STRIKE]coming under the influence of these[/STRIKE] suffers due to the demanding conditions. As a result of this, a rise in divorce rates can be observed in some parts of the world. However, some changes in people’s perspective (mindset) and lifestyle may be a cure for this problem.

You have only stated one reason for the increase in the divorce rate - working life. The question asks for reasons. I am sure you can think of other reasons for divorce.

 

[Erbab]

I have re-written the essay.

Increasing divorce rate is becoming a serious issue in some countries. I believe one of the major reasons for this problem is that people do not have a fulfilling work life. However, fortunately, there are ways to deal with this problem.

In my opinion, the biggest cause of divorce is harsh work conditions. Employers are demanding long working hours with a very low salary. Therefore, people do not earn what they really deserve and it affects their mental health adversely. They do not have enough leisure time for themselves and their family, and they frequently cannot spend their money to enjoy a little luxury. People can only afford the fundamental needs to survive. All of this adds up to an unhappy family life.

Rising employment of women can be seen as another reason. Since women play a key role in business in today’s world, they are not depending on their husband to survive. Having this independence, they tend to decide to live alone when they have some problems with their husbands instead of trying to tackle these problems. Therefore, marriages are becoming more fragile and as a result, more and more couples find divorcement as a solution.

Fortunately, there are things that can be done to solve some of these problems. People can accept these bad conditions and problems and try to use it to strengthen their connections to each other rather than give up. Changing people’s mindset is likely to help save a marriage. Couples may try to go for therapy to replace their negative thoughts with positive ones. In addition, a therapy can also help them understand being an independent person is important, but living together requires more. Finally, people can also try to look for more fulfilling job opportunities, if their current jobs are stressful and demanding. These things require changing one’s lifestyle, but they can lead to a happier marriage and family life.

Working life is demanding and family life inevitably suffers due to the demanding conditions. As a result of this, a rise in divorce rates can be observed in some parts of the world. However, some changes in people’s perspective and lifestyle may be a cure for this problem.

 

[teechar]

Take another look at my suggestions as to how IELTS essays are structured.
Your introduction reads more like a conclusion. I advise you to restructure the entire essay such that:
1- your introduction is longer and follows the structure I've outlined in those links above.
2- you write two body paragraphs, one about the reasons and one about the solutions.
3- Try to compose meaningful topic sentences; i.e. they should clearly define the scope of your body paragraphs.
4- Each body paragraph should follow a general-to-specific structure. That means after the topic sentence, you introduce a point, elaborate on it, and give examples if possible, then you move to another point, and so on.
5- Do not limit your reasons to work-related ones. There surely must be others.

Try again and post below. PM me if you need other help/clarification.

 

[Erbab]

Thank you very much teechar. I have re-written the essay.

"Marrying someone and starting a family is one of the main purposes of many people. However, it seems that more and more people have a difficulty in continuing their marriage. Increasing divorce rate is becoming a serious issue in some countries. This essay will discuss the reasons why this is happening and put forward several solutions for this issue.

In my opinion, the biggest cause of divorce is harsh work conditions. Employers are demanding long working hours with a very low salary. Therefore, people do not earn what they really deserve and it affects their mental health adversely. They do not have enough leisure time for themselves and their family, and they frequently cannot spend their money to enjoy a little luxury. People can only afford the fundamental needs to survive. Another important reason is that people want to marry not because they fall in love with a person, but to stop feeling lonely. This is because, number of people who feel lonely has raised since the advent of the Internet. People started to show a tendency to spend their time on watching TV series, playing online computer games and using social media. Therefore, they had less time to form strong relationship with people and could not find the person whom they would truly love. All of this adds up to an unhappy family life.

Fortunately, there are things that can be done to solve some of these problems. Firstly, people should accept these bad conditions and try to use it to strengthen their connections to each other rather than give up. Changing people’s mindset is likely to help save a marriage. Couples may try to go for therapy to replace their negative thoughts with positive ones. They can also try to look for more fulfilling job opportunities, if their current jobs are stressful and demanding. Secondly, some people may try to spend less time in front of their computer or mobile phones and socialize. For instance, they may try to start to learn how to play an instrument and meet new people.These things require changing one’s lifestyle, but they can lead to a happier marriage and family life.

Working life is demanding and family life inevitably suffers due to the demanding conditions. Besides, technology has some negative impacts on people’s relationships. As a result of these reasons, a rise in divorce rates is observed in some parts of the world. However, some changes in people’s perspective and lifestyle may be a cure for this problem.
"

 

[teechar]

[STRIKE] Marrying someone [/STRIKE] Getting married and starting a family is one of the main [STRIKE] purposes of [/STRIKE] goals in life for many people. However, it seems that more and more people have difficulty [STRIKE] in continuing [/STRIKE] maintaining their marriage. [STRIKE] Increasing [/STRIKE] The divorce rate [STRIKE] is becoming a serious issue [/STRIKE] has been rising in some countries, and this is is becoming a serious issue. This essay will discuss the reasons why this is happening and put forward several possible solutions. for this issue.


[1] There are several factors contributing to high divorce rates. In my opinion, One of the biggest cause of divorce is harsh work conditions. Employers are demanding long working hours, often with a very low salary. [2] Therefore, people do not earn what they really deserve and it affects their mental health adversely. They do not have enough leisure time for themselves and their family, and they frequently cannot spend their money to enjoy a little luxury. People can only afford the fundamental needs to survive. Another important reason is that people want to marry not because they fall in love with a person, but to stop feeling lonely. This is because, number of people who feel lonely has raised since the advent of the Internet. People started to show a tendency to spend their time on watching TV series, playing online computer games and using social media. Therefore, they had less time to form strong relationship with people and could not find the person whom they would truly love. All of this adds up to an unhappy family life. [3]

Your introduction is much better now. I think you have a good idea about what is required there.
[1]: Your first body paragraph was missing a topic sentence. Remember that a topic sentence defines the scope of the paragraph.

[2]: That strays off topic somehow, which means you get lower marks. You need to stay very focused on the issue (here it’s divorce) and present compelling arguments to convince the reader of your position.

[3]: That’s not well thought out. You might want to say that social life has changed in the modern world and that people have fewer chances to meet others and get to know them. Again, focus on the idea and try to make your argument as convincing as possible (e.g. by giving examples).

Try to fix the above and repost it below. We can deal with the rest of the essay later. Do not use quotation marks to enclose your text!

 

[Tdol]

It is an assumption. There is no evidence to back it up.