Is this one sentence fine?

[sumon.]

Hi, ​

Shakespeare notices that his friend is in love with himself being devoted with all his attention to himself.

Thank you.

​

 

[Rover_KE]

No, it's not fine.

I'm not even sure what you are trying to say.

Rover

 

[sumon.]

Sonnet Analysis
It is from this website.

But you, who are in love with yourself, seem to devote all of your attention to yourself.

I wanted to rewrite it in third person.

 

[Rover_KE]

Right.

It would have been helpful if you had given that context in post #1.

'Shakespeare says that his friend is in love with himself and seems to devote all his attention to himself.'
​

Rover