Jane sat on the concrete, moss-coated wall

[alpacinou]

Is this correct and natural?

Jane sat on the concrete, moss-coated wall that stood between the Thames and London. Visions of Roberts floated to her mind. He was at the hospital, flirting with the nurses. Doubt was creeping into her heart. She wasn't sure if she could trust him anymore.

 

[Tarheel]

There can't be such a wall. That's because the Thames flows through London.

What were her doubts about? Robert?

 

[emsr2d2]

Is it important that it's a concrete wall? I don't think it adds anything. I'd open with "Jane sat on a moss-coated wall ...". I agree with Tarheel that you can't be between the Thames and London. The river runs right through/across the middle of the city.

 

[alpacinou]

Is it important that it's a concrete wall? I don't think it adds anything. I'd open with "Jane sat on a moss-coated wall ...". I agree with Tarheel that you can't be between the Thames and London. The river runs right through/across the middle of the city.

If not a wall, what should I call this?



I decided to change that "sitting" part.

Jane leaned against the parapet, staring at the moss-coated .......... as gentle Thames waves lapped against it. Visions of Roberts floated to her mind. He was at the hospital, flirting with the nurses. Doubt was creeping into her heart. She wasn't sure if she could trust him anymore.

I need a word to fill in the blank.

Is the rest of it okay?

 

[emsr2d2]

If not a wall, what should I call this?

I didn't say you shouldn't call it a wall. I said you shouldn't bother with "concrete".

 

[alpacinou]

I didn't say you shouldn't call it a wall. I said you shouldn't bother with "concrete".

Is this okay?

Jane leaned against the parapet, staring at the moss-coated wall as gentle Thames waves lapped against it. Visions of Roberts floated to her mind. He was at the hospital, flirting with the nurses. Doubt was creeping into her heart. She wasn't sure if she could trust him anymore.

 

[tedmc]

If she was leaning against the parapet wall ( with her back against it), she wouldn't be looking at the river.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

She watched as the waves lapped the shore. She was thinking about Robert. She was having doubts about him. She wasn't sure she could trust him anymore.

Of course, you can still use "wall" or "parapet" or whatever.

 

[emsr2d2]

If she was leaning against the parapet wall (with her back against it), she wouldn't be looking at the river.

She could be. Look at the picture in post #4. If she's leaning against a parapet of a bridge, as seems to be the case in the photo, she's looking at both the river and the mossy wall.

 

[alpacinou]

She could be. Look at the picture in post #4. If she's leaning against a parapet of a bridge, as seems to be the case in the photo, she's looking at both the river and the mossy wall.

Is this okay?

Jane leaned against the parapet, staring at the moss-coated wall as gentle Thames waves lapped against it. Visions of Roberts floated to her mind. He was at the hospital, flirting with the nurses. Doubt was creeping into her heart. She wasn't sure if she could trust him anymore.

 

[emsr2d2]

It's OK but I would probably say "the gentle waves of the Thames". I don't think "gentle Thames waves" works. Is she sure he's flirting with the nurses at the hospital or is it just a suspicion?

 

[alpacinou]

It's OK but I would probably say "the gentle waves of the Thames". I don't think "gentle Thames waves" works. Is she sure he's flirting with the nurses at the hospital or is it just a suspicion?

She is 70% sure.

 

[emsr2d2]

In that case, I'd say "He was at the hospital, probably flirting with the nurses".

 

[alpacinou]

In that case, I'd say "He was at the hospital, probably flirting with the nurses".

Does it work so say "visions floated to her mind" and "probably flirting"? In her vision of him, he is either flirting or he isn't, right?

I could be wrong.

 

[emsr2d2]

You could use something like "She suddenly had a vision of Roberts, flirting with the nurses at the hospital". I don't really see any reason to put the thoughts in separate sentences.

And no, I'm not keen on "visions floated to her mind". At the very least, I'd use "into", not "to".