Linda dreamed of becoming a police officer

[Bassim]

Have I made any mistakes?

Linda dreamed of becoming a police officer ever since she could remember. That profession had become a family tradition. Her grandfather, father, brother and uncle were all police officers, and she couldn't imagine doing anything else. But when she applied to the police school, and after a series of tests was rejected, Linda was inconsolable, Her father patted her on the head and said, "I'm glad you'll not work in the police because if you could see what I see every day in the streets, you'll quickly change your mind."

 

[teechar]

after a series of tests was rejected, Linda was inconsolable, Her father patted

Work on that.

 

[Bassim]

Would this version be OK?

But when she applied to the police school, and after the tests she was rejected, she became inconsolable. Her father patted her on the head...

 

[teechar]

Would this version be OK?

But when ..., and after ...,

Combine those two parts (and ideas) into one.

 

[Bassim]

Would this version be OK?

But when she applied to the police school and was rejected, she became inconsolable.

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

Linda had dreamed of becoming a police officer ever since she could remember.

 

[Tdol]

Linda was inconsolable, Her father patted her on the head

There's something wrong here.

 

[Bassim]

It should be a full stop.

Linda was inconsolable. Her father patted her on the head...

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

... if you could see what I see every day you'd quickly change your mind.

(In the USA they call it a police academy.)

 

[Tdol]

I'd start off with the past perfect too.