Nicole was angry with her brother, more so with herself

[alpacinou]

Is this correct?

Nicole was angry with her brother, more so with herself.

If not, how can it be fixed?

 

[jutfrank]

I don't like the splicing. Get rid of the comma and try linking the two parts differently.

 

[alpacinou]

I don't like the splicing. Get rid of the comma and try punctuating differently.

Do you mean it's correct without the comma?

 

[jutfrank]

No, I mean I don't like what you've done with the comma. I think you can connect the two clauses in better ways, perhaps with different punctuation, or by putting in an extra word, for example.

Don't ask us what is 'correct'. Ask us how you can make your writing better.

 

[alpacinou]

No, I mean I don't like what you've done with the comma. I think you can connect the two clauses in better ways, perhaps with different punctuation, or by putting in an extra word, for example.

Don't ask us what is 'correct'. Ask us how you can make your writing better.

What about now?

Nicole was angry with her brother and more so with herself.

 

[jutfrank]

Yes, that's better. How about this?:

Nicole was angry with her brother, but more so with herself.

Do you think that's better than your version with 'and'?

 

[alpacinou]

Do you think that's better than your version with 'and'?

I do.

 

[jutfrank]

I do.

Can I ask why you think so? In what way is 'but' better than 'and'?

By the way, what prompted you to ask this question in the first place? What did you think might be up with your original?

 

[alpacinou]

Can I ask why you think so? In what way is 'but' better than 'and'?

By the way, what prompted you to ask this question in the first place? What did you think might be up with your original?

"But" adds an element of contrast, which gives the sentence more punch, I think.

The reason I asked this question was I'd written the sentence and felt like it wasn't 100% correct and natural.

 

[jutfrank]

So what's your ultimate reason for writing all these sentences you ask us about? Are you trying to improve your writing? Or trying to develop a narrative style? Or trying to practise vocabulary and sentencing? Or is your main goal to be able to write in a narrative style indistinguishable from a native speaker, regardless of level?

 

[alpacinou]

So what's your ultimate reason for writing all these sentences you ask us about? Are you trying to improve your writing? Or trying to develop a narrative style? Or trying to practise vocabulary and sentencing? Or is your main goal to be able to write in a narrative style indistinguishable from a native speaker, regardless of level?

Basically, all of the above. I'm passionate about the language and to be honest, I can't pick one of the objectives you mentioned as my ultimate.

 

[jutfrank]

I'm trying to determine what kind of feedback you really need. If we know exactly what you want us to do, we can help you more easily.

If you want to check your writing for grammaticality and coherence, then I don't know why you don't ask ChatGPT instead. This is what it thinks of your original. Quoting:

"The sentence "Nicole was angry with her brother, more so with herself" is grammatically correct and effectively conveys that Nicole is experiencing anger towards both her brother and herself. The use of "more so" suggests that she is particularly upset with herself, perhaps feeling guilty or responsible for the situation. Overall, the sentence is well-constructed and effectively communicates the emotions of the characters."

Is that the kind of feedback you're looking for?

 

[alpacinou]

I'm trying to determine what kind of feedback you really need. If we know exactly what you want us to do, we can help you more easily.

If you want to check your writing for grammaticality and coherence, then I don't know why you don't ask ChatGPT instead. This is what it thinks of your original. Quoting:

"The sentence "Nicole was angry with her brother, more so with herself" is grammatically correct and effectively conveys that Nicole is experiencing anger towards both her brother and herself. The use of "more so" suggests that she is particularly upset with herself, perhaps feeling guilty or responsible for the situation. Overall, the sentence is well-constructed and effectively communicates the emotions of the characters."

Is that the kind of feedback you're looking for?

I hadn't thought of using AI before. I'm not sure if I'm ready to trust ChatGPT over native-speaking English teachers.

 

[jutfrank]

You can certainly trust it with picking out errors, even more so with recognising natural language.

 

[tedmc]

How about:

Nicole was angry not so much with her brother but with herself.

 

[Barque]

Nicole was angry not so much with her brother but with herself.

I'd use "as" instead of "but" here, and also it doesn't mean exactly the same as the original.

 

[Tarheel]

How about:

Nicole was angry not so much with her brother but with herself.

I'd use a dash after "angry" there. Also, try: " Nicole was angry with her brother, but she was angrier with herself."