[Essay] Please help me correct this essay

[huynguyen158]

Hi teachers,

I am preparing for the IELTS exam on my own and I wrote this essay for my personal practice. Could you please help me correct it? Thank you very much.

The two graphs show the main sources of energy in the USA in the 1980s and the1990s.


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The pie charts compare the changes in the consumption of the US major energy sources from 1980 to 1990.

Overall, the percentage of natural gas and hydroelectric power almost remained constant while that of nuclear power and coal increased. Also, oil was the most common energy in America over the period.

In 1980, nuclear power accounts for the smallest proportion in the use of energy, at 5%, equal to the number for hydroelectric. In contrast, 42% of the total energy consumed in the US comes from oil. The figure for natural gas was 26%, higher compared to coal usage, which was 22%.

The consumption of oil saw a significant decline with an average of approximately 1% per year and went down to 33% in 1990. On the other hand, coal and nuclear power usage have a marked growth, at 27% and 10%, respectively. Meanwhile, the figure for natural gas dipped slightly to 25% and that of hydroelectric remained unchanged during the 10-years period.

 

[Raymott]

I think you've written your essay back to front. When I look at the graph, the most important changes are the decrease in oil which is made up for by an increase in coal and nuclear energy. You shouldn't leave this for last.

The fact that natural gas and hydroelectric power almost remained constant is a more minor point, and does not warrant mentioning in both your first and your last sentences.

This sentence could be misinterpreted: "coal and nuclear power usage have a marked growth, at 27% and 10%, respectively". They didn't grow at those rates. For example, nuclear power doubled (a growth of 100%, not 10%).