[Essay] Please help me correct this essay

[huynguyen158]

Hi teachers,
This is my personal practice for the IELTS exam. Could you please help me correct it? Thank you very much.
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It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
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Cultural loss is a growing threat facing humankind and several causes has been suggested in order to seek effective solutions. Although some believe that the erosion of cultures can be attributed to the influence of technology due to some seemingly understandable reasons, this is generally unjustified and cannot be regarded as an informed view.


There are many reasons why technology has helped to develop cultures. In fact, since the number of people using the Internet to access and share information continues to rise sharply, social networking has rapidly emerged as an effective tool in promoting cultural values of a country to the world. For example, cow racing festival, which is a cultural tradition of Khmer ethnic minority in Vietnam, has been promoted to foreigners thanks in large part to means of online communication. In addition, technology is contributing to the removal of backward customs in some countries, especially in the underdeveloped ones. For instance, as the development of technology has allowed people to extend their knowledge about other cultures, such customs as child marriage in some African cultures has been receiving a great deal of criticism and the governments has been urged to take steps to eliminate these practices.


Despite several disadvantages, technology is merely among a myriad of other factors and definitely not the real cause of the fade of traditional cultures. In fact, technology has no particular relevance with regard to cultural loss. Instead, it is technological development that has brought not only progress and civilization but also prosperity to humanity thanks to its achievements such as Internet or electrification. Also, governments and corporation are the main factors and must take responsibility for cultural loss. For example, many film distribution companies have been in pursuit of profit at the expense of culture since they have release films that are not suitable for country’s culture yet the government does not impose any regulations on them.


In conclusion, to say that technology has negative implications for traditional cultures is categorically untrue. Governments and corporation should work together to protect and foster traditional values.

 

[teechar]

The loss of traditional cultures [STRIKE]al loss[/STRIKE] is a growing threat facing humankind, and several causes [STRIKE]has[/STRIKE] have been identified and solutions suggested [STRIKE]in order[/STRIKE] to deal with this issue. [STRIKE]seek effective solutions.[/STRIKE] Although some believe that the erosion of cultures can be attributed to the influence of technology, [STRIKE]due to some seemingly understandable reasons,[/STRIKE] this is generally unjustified and cannot be regarded as an informed view.

[STRIKE]There are many reasons why[/STRIKE] Technology has actually helped certain cultures to develop and flourish. [STRIKE]cultures.[/STRIKE] In fact, since the number of people using the Internet to access and share information continues to rise sharply, social networking has rapidly emerged as an effective tool [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] for promoting the cultural values of a country to the world. For example, the cow racing festival, which is a cultural tradition of the Khmer ethnic minority in Vietnam, has been [STRIKE]promoted[/STRIKE] made accessible to foreigners thanks in a large part to [STRIKE]means of[/STRIKE] online communication. In addition, technology is contributing to the removal of backward customs in some countries, especially in the underdeveloped ones. For instance, as the development of technology has allowed people to extend their knowledge about other cultures, such customs as child marriage in some African cultures has been receiving a great deal of criticism and the governments has been urged to take steps to eliminate these practices. [This is controversial, and may even be against the point you're trying to prove.]

Despite several disadvantages, technology is merely among a myriad of other factors and definitely not the real cause of the fade of traditional cultures. In fact, technology has no particular relevance with regard to cultural loss. Instead, it is technological development that has brought not only progress and civilization but also prosperity to humanity thanks to its achievements such as Internet or electrification. [That's off topic.] Also, governments and corporation are the main factors and must take responsibility for cultural loss. For example, many film distribution companies have been in pursuit of profit at the expense of culture since they have release films that are not suitable for country’s culture yet the government does not impose any regulations on them. [That's not well written. Talk about globalization and the international media as well.]

In conclusion, to say that technology has [STRIKE]negative implications for[/STRIKE] contributes to the loss of traditional cultures is categorically untrue. Governments and corporations should work together to protect and foster traditional values.

.

 

[huynguyen158]

Thank you for your great help, teechar:-D. Could you please help me with the questions below?

The loss of traditional cultures

When I looked up "cultural loss" on the Internet, I received lots of examples using it, could you please tell me why I cannot use it?

several causes have been identified and solutions suggested to deal with this issue

I think "solutions suggested to deal with this issue" is not a complete sentence here, it needs a verb. Do you mean "several causes have been identified and solutions have been suggested"?

In addition, technology is contributing to the removal of backward customs in some countries, especially in the underdeveloped ones. For instance, as the development of technology has allowed people to extend their knowledge about other cultures, such customs as child marriage in some African cultures has been receiving a great deal of criticism and the governments has been urged to take steps to eliminate these practices.[This is controversial, and may even be against the point you're trying to prove.]

I'm a little confused. Could you please tell me why the idea of technology helping to eliminate backward customs is controversial? Maybe the example makes it controversial?

Despite several disadvantages, technology is merely among a myriad of other factors and definitely not the real cause of the fade of traditional cultures. In fact, technology has no particular relevance with regard to cultural loss. Instead, it is technological development that has brought not only progress and civilization but also prosperity to humanity thanks to its achievements such as Internet or electrification. [That's off topic.]

It is the example that's off topic, right? I think the idea of "technology not being the real cause" still can be used.

Also, governments and corporation are the main factors and must take responsibility for cultural loss. For example, many film distribution companies have been in pursuit of profit at the expense of culture since they have release films that are not suitable for country’s culture yet the government does not impose any regulations on them. [That's not well written. Talk about globalization and the international media as well.]

Do you mean if I elaborated the example by mentioning globalization and the international media, that would be better?

 

[rodgers white]

I'm a little confused. Could you please tell me why the idea of technology helping to eliminate backward customs is controversial? Maybe the example makes it controversial?

As I see it, the example you gave has actually told the readers that technology sometimes contributes to the removal of some existing traditional customs, no matter it is good or bad, which is quite obviously not your standpoint. So, I agree with teechar totally.

In fact, technology has no particular relevance with regard to cultural loss. Instead, it is technological development that has brought not only progress and civilization but also prosperity to humanity thanks to its achievements such as Internet or electrification.

If technology has no relationship with the cultural loss, so what's your previous example used for? As for me, the essay should focus on the topic " whether the traditional customs will be lost as technology develops." Frankly, you are a little off the point when you talk about what technological development has brought to us as a whole.

 

[huynguyen158]

As I see it, the example you gave has actually told the readers that technology sometimes contributes to the removal of some existing traditional customs, no matter it is good or bad, which is quite obviously not your standpoint. So, I agree with teechar totally.

Thank you, rodgers:-D. I see your point and understand now!

If technology has no relationship with the cultural loss, so what's your previous example used for? As for me, the essay should focus on the topic " whether the traditional customs will be lost as technology develops." Frankly, you are a little off the topic when you talk about what technological development has brought to us as a whole.

Yes, it's the example that's off-topic, I shouldn't have mentioned technological achievements, but I think the idea of "technology not being the real cause" still can be used and it's not against the first paragraph. The topic sentence in the second one is still okay to me:

Despite several disadvantages, technology is merely among a myriad of other factors, and definitely not the real/main cause of the losing of traditional cultures.
I would appreciate any comments you might have.

 

[rodgers white]

Yes, it's the example that's off-topic, I shouldn't have mentioned technological achievements, but I think the idea of "technology not being the real cause" still can be used and it's not against the first paragraph. The topic sentence in the second one is still okay to me:
Despite several disadvantages, technology is merely among a myriad of other factors, and definitely not the real/main cause of the losing of traditional cultures.

You simply want to support the idea that technology does not contribute to the losing of traditional cultures but to the thriving of traditional ones. So, you just need to exemplify your point.

 

[teechar]

When I looked up "cultural loss" on the Internet, I received lots of examples using it, could you please tell me why I cannot use it?

"Cultural loss" focuses on "loss" and does not indicate that the essay is about "traditional cultures". You could certainly use "cultural loss" later in your essay, but not when you're introducing the topic to the reader.

I think "solutions suggested to deal with this issue" is not a complete sentence here, it needs a verb. Do you mean "several causes have been identified and solutions have been suggested"?

It's grammatical. It means what you wrote.

I'm a little confused. Could you please tell me why the idea of technology helping to eliminate backward customs is controversial? Maybe the example makes it controversial?

Traditional cultures are often branded "backward", and that can actually lead to their demise.

It is the example that's off topic, right? I think the idea of "technology not being the real cause" still can be used.

Yes, but only use it as a brief introductory phrase. Otherwise, you risk getting into waffle land. Always get to the point (be direct) as much as you can.

Do you mean if I elaborated the example by mentioning globalization and the international media, that would be better?

Yes.