[Essay] Please help me correct this essay

[huynguyen158]

Hi teachers,

This is my personal practice for the IELTS exam. Could you please help me correct it? I would really appreciate your help.

In the future, it seems more difficult to live on the Earth. Some people think more money should be spent on researching other planets to live, such as Mars. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
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In recent decades, many countries have been allocating a large and growing budget for space exploration, causing some public controversy. Although this is not without disadvantages, the upsides can justify these.

It is clear that the environment of the planet has continued to worsen, making it difficult for the Earth to sustain life in the future. First, human-induced environmental disasters such as forest fires or oil spillages as well as the increase in greenhouse gas emissions have substantially damaged the environment and contributed to climate change. Despite the world’s best effort to curb the calamity, it seems that the situation has not only not improved but even worsened as there has been no positively significant change in incidence or intensity of hurricanes, storms or floods. Second, since the world’s population has been rising at a high rate, especially in developing countries, the Earth is becoming an increasingly crowded place to live on. Thus, finding another planet should be taken into account in order for people to exist in the long term.

On the other hand, space exploration not only prepares people for any potential risks but represents a desire to surmount great obstacles and advance new frontiers. In fact, since there are numbers of asteroids travelling in the solar system, the Earth has always been susceptible to potential dangers as large asteroids could strike on Earth if they passed our planet. Thus, finding other habitable planets is logically necessary to ensure the continued existence of humanity. In addition, humans are driven to explore the unknown, extend the boundaries of our scientific and technical limits. This intangible desire has provided considerable benefits to our society for centuries. Therefore, if researching the universe were not encouraged regardless of purposes, this would merely show a sense of complacency and would be an impediment to the growth of humanity.

In conclusion, although finding other planets entails several disadvantages, it offers substantial returns for humans. Space exploration should be supported to ensure the long-term survival of humanity.

 

[tedmc]

Hi teachers,

This is my personal practice for the IELTS exam. Could you please help me correct it? I would really appreciate your help.

In the future, it seems more difficult to live on the Earth. Some people think more money should be spent on researching other planets to live, such as Mars. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
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In recent decades, many countries have been allocating [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] large and growing budgets for space exploration, causing some public controversy. Although this is not without disadvantages, the upsides can justify these.

It is clear that the environment of the planet has continued to worsen, making it difficult for the Earth to sustain life in the future. First, human-induced environmental disasters such as forest fires or oil spillages as well as the increase in greenhouse gas emissions have substantially damaged the environment and contributed to climate change. Despite the world’s best efforts to curb the calamity, it seems that the situation has not only not improved but even worsened as there has been no positively significant change in incidence or intensity of hurricanes, storms or floods. Second, since the world’s population has been rising at a high rate, especially in developing countries, the Earth is becoming an increasingly crowded place to live on(in). Thus, finding another planet should be taken into account in order for people to exist in the long term.

On the other hand, space exploration not only prepares people for any potential risks, but represents a desire to surmount great obstacles and advance new frontiers. In fact, since there are [STRIKE]numbers of [/STRIKE] many asteroids travelling in the solar system, the Earth has always been susceptible to potential dangers as large asteroids could strike [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] the Earth if they passed our planet. Thus, finding other habitable planets is logically necessary to ensure the continued existence of humanity. In addition, humans are driven to explore the unknown, extend the boundaries of our scientific and technical limits. This intangible desire has provided considerable benefits to our society for centuries. Therefore, if researching the universe were not encouraged regardless of purposes, this would merely show a sense of complacency and would be an impediment to the growth of humanity.

In conclusion, although finding other planets entails several disadvantages, it offers substantial returns for humans. Space exploration should be supported to ensure the long-term survival of humanity.

.

 

[teechar]

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In recent decades, many countries have been allocating [STRIKE]a large and growing budget[/STRIKE] substantial amounts of money for space exploration, causing some public controversy. Although this kind of research is not without disadvantages, the upsides can justify the costs. [STRIKE]these.[/STRIKE]

It is clear that the environment of the planet has continued to worsen, making it difficult for the Earth to sustain human life in the future. First, human-induced environmental disasters such as forest fires or oil spillages as well as the increase in greenhouse gas emissions have substantially damaged the environment and contributed to climate change. Despite [STRIKE]the world’s best[/STRIKE] strong international effort to [STRIKE]curb the[/STRIKE] avert a future calamity, it seems that the situation has not only not improved, but even worsened as there has been no [STRIKE]positively[/STRIKE] significant positive indication [STRIKE]change[/STRIKE] of a reduction in the incidence or intensity of hurricanes, storms or floods. Second, since the world’s population has been rising exponentially, [STRIKE]at a high rate,[/STRIKE] especially in developing countries, the Earth is becoming an increasingly crowded [STRIKE]place[/STRIKE] planet to live on. Thus, finding another planet should be taken [STRIKE]into account[/STRIKE] with more seriousness in order for people to survive into the future. [STRIKE]exist in the long term.[/STRIKE]

On the other hand, space exploration not only prepares people for any potential environmental risks, but represents a desire to surmount great obstacles and advance new frontiers. In fact, since there are large numbers of asteroids travelling in the solar system, the Earth has always been susceptible to potential dangers as large asteroids could strike [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] Earth if they [STRIKE]passed[/STRIKE] come our planet's way. Thus, finding other habitable planets is logically necessary to ensure the continued existence of humanity.In addition, humans are driven to explore the unknown, extend the boundaries of our scientific and technical limits. This intangible desire has provided considerable benefits to our society for centuries. Therefore, if researching the universe were not encouraged regardless of purposes, this would merely show a sense of complacency and would be an impediment to the growth of humanity. [This is waffle and potentially off topic.]

In conclusion, although [STRIKE]finding[/STRIKE] looking for other planets entails significant expenditure, [STRIKE]several disadvantages,[/STRIKE] it offers substantial returns for humans. Space exploration should be supported to ensure the long-term survival of humanity.

.

 

[huynguyen158]

Thank you very much, teechar . I have some questions, could you please help me?

In recent decades, many countries have been allocating [STRIKE]a large and growing budget[/STRIKE] substantial amounts of money for space exploration.

Could you please explain to me why I cannot use 'a large and growing budget' here? I think it has the same meaning as your correction in this context.

Space exploration not only prepares people for any potential environmental risks

In the second paragraph, I mentioned the risks from asteroids which, I think, cannot be seen as environmental risks. Am I correct?

In addition, humans are driven to explore the unknown, extend the boundaries of our scientific and technical limits. This intangible desire has provided considerable benefits to our society for centuries. Therefore, if researching the universe were not encouraged regardless of purposes, this would merely show a sense of complacency and would be an impediment to the growth of humanity. [This is waffle and potentially off topic.]

I rewrote the second paragraph with another idea, I think this time it would be better. Could you please have a look at it?

On the other hand, the depletion of natural resources and the risks from asteroids would justify the expenditure on researching other Earth-like planets. In fact, natural resources such as fossil fuel, water reservoir and other minerals are being over-exploited for various purposes. As the result, the essential elements for life sustainability will be used up in the future, and human life will be put at stake as there is no fuel to maintain production or transportation. Also, since there are large numbers of asteroids travelling in the solar system, the Earth has always been susceptible to potential dangers as large asteroids could strike Earth if they come our planet's way. Thus, finding other habitable planets is logically necessary to ensure the continued existence of humanity.

Thank you, teechar!:-D

 

[teechar]

Could you please explain to me why I cannot use 'a large and growing budget' here? I think it has the same meaning as your correction in this context.

It sounds like one budget for several countries.

In the second paragraph, I mentioned the risks from asteroids which, I think, cannot be seen as an environmental risk. Am I correct?

This is a new paragraph, so you need to clarify what kind of risk you mean.

I rewrote the second paragraph with another idea, I think this time it would be better. Could you please have a look at it?

On the other hand, the depletion of natural resources and the risks from asteroids would justify the expenditure on researching other Earth-like planets. In fact, the Earth's natural resources such as fossil fuels, freshwater [STRIKE]reservoir[/STRIKE] and [STRIKE]other[/STRIKE] minerals are being over-exploited for various purposes. As the result, the essential elements for the sustainability of life [STRIKE]sustainability[/STRIKE] will be used up in the future, and human life will be put at stake. [STRIKE]as there is no fuel to maintain production or transportation.[/STRIKE] Also, since there are large numbers of asteroids travelling in the solar system, the Earth has always been susceptible to potential dangers as large asteroids could strike Earth if they come our planet's way. Thus, finding other habitable planets is logically necessary to ensure the continued existence of humanity.

See above.