[Essay] Please help me correct this writing.

[huynguyen158]

Hi teachers,

I am preparing for the IELTS exam on my own and I wrote this essay for my personal practice. Could you please help me correct it? Thank you very much.

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
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It has been suggested that businesses should make contributions to communities rather than be solely focused on maximizing profit, causing some public controversy. Although some believe that taking part in activities that benefit society is not the primary duty of companies and that they had better be unconcerned about it, this is simply a short-sighted view since contributing to society entails plenty of advantages.

There are number of reasons why businesses should embrace social responsibilities. By doing so, companies would be able to gain considerable respect from community, which is conducive to develop a good reputation. In fact, acting for the benefit of society at large would help build trust with customers since people tend to support the company in return and are more likely to put in a good word for such companies in the future. Also, social responsibilities offer an opportunity to advertise businesses’ products to many more prospective consumers, helping companies to gain more profits as well as expand the market in the long term.

Businesses can also obtain a great deal of other benefits from being socially responsible. First, it is true that many countries these days have established policies aiming at supporting businesses that make contribution to society such as tax incentive. Therefore, if companies could be more socially responsible, they might gain favour with governments, which not only allows them to quickly penetrate to new markets but also provides them with favourable conditions to develop afterwards. Second, businesses could strengthen the support from their own employees as they would have respect for their leaders who do good. This will ensure the loyalty of employees as well as the reputation of the company itself.

In conclusion, social responsibilities should be embraced because of their overwhelming advantages. They benefit not only the countries in which companies operate but the companies themselves.

 

[teechar]

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
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It has been suggested that businesses should make contributions to the community [STRIKE]ies[/STRIKE] rather than be solely focused on maximizing profit. [STRIKE], causing some public controversy.[/STRIKE] Nevertheless, although some believe that taking part in activities that benefit society is not the primary duty of companies and that they [STRIKE]had better[/STRIKE] needn't be unconcerned about it, this is simply a short-sighted view since contributing to society entails plenty of advantages to all.

There are number of reasons why businesses should embrace social responsibilities. By doing so, [STRIKE]companies[/STRIKE] they would be able to gain considerable respect from community, which is conducive to developing a good reputation. In fact, acting for the benefit of society at large would help build trust with customers since people [STRIKE]tend[/STRIKE] are more likely to support the company in return and [STRIKE]are more likely to[/STRIKE] put in a good word for its products or services. [STRIKE]such companies in the future.[/STRIKE] Also, social responsibilities offer an opportunity to advertise businesses’ products to many more prospective consumers, helping companies to gain more profits as well as expand the market in the long term [How is that? You need to explain.].

Businesses can also obtain a great deal of other benefits from being socially responsible. [STRIKE]First, it is true that[/STRIKE] For example, many countries [STRIKE]these days[/STRIKE] have established policies aimed [STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE] at supporting businesses that make a contribution to society such as by offering lucrative tax incentives. [STRIKE]Therefore, if companies could be more socially responsible, they might gain favour with governments, which not only allows them to quickly penetrate to new markets but also provides them with favourable conditions to develop afterwards.[/STRIKE] Second, socially responsible businesses [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] would also gain greater loyalty [STRIKE]strengthen the support[/STRIKE] from their own employees. [STRIKE]as they would have respect for their leaders who do good. This will ensure the loyalty of employees as well as the reputation of the company itself.[/STRIKE]

In conclusion, social responsibilities should be embraced because of their overwhelming advantages. They benefit [STRIKE]not only the countries in which[/STRIKE] companies and the greater community. [STRIKE]operate but the companies themselves.[/STRIKE]

This is not a well-thought-out essay (it needs more depth; specific/actual examples). The structure is poor too. What is the difference between the two body paragraphs?

 

[huynguyen158]

they had betterneedn't be unconcerned about it

I think you mean "needn't be concerned about it", right?

Also, social responsibilities offer an opportunity to advertise businesses’ products to many more prospective consumers, helping companies to gain more profits as well as expand the market in the long term [How is that? You need to explain.].

I rewrote it as follow:

Also, social responsibilities offer an opportunity to advertise businesses' products to people in need of help, who can be considered prospective customers afterwards.

What is the difference between the two body paragraphs?

Thank you very much for your advice.

In the first paragraph, I want to point out that businesses can take advantage of social responsibilities as an opportunity to build up their reputation and make more money(by advertising to more people). In the second one, I want to say that there are many benefits for helping the community even if companies do not intentionally do so.

Now that you said that, I do see my essay is not well planned. I will take your advice and plan my ideas more carefully.

 

[teechar]

I think you mean "needn't be concerned about it", right?

Yes, I did. Sorry for my oversight!

I rewrote it as follow:
Also, social responsibilities offer an opportunity to advertise businesses' products to people in need of help, who can be considered prospective customers afterwards.

That's still quite vague, I'm afraid.

Thank you very much for your advice.

In the first paragraph, I want to point out that businesses can take advantage of social responsibilities as an opportunity to build up their reputation and make more money(by advertising to more people). In the second one, I want to say that there are many benefits for helping the community even if companies do not intentionally do so.

Nope. I don't get it.

Now that you said that, I do see my essay is not well planned. I will take your advice and plan my ideas more carefully.

Great! Would you like to try again with the above prompt, or would you prefer to tackle a different one?

 

[huynguyen158]

Great! Would you like to try again with the above prompt, or would you prefer to tackle a different one?

Thank you, teechar. Here is my other attempt. I wrote another paragraph and referred to the corrected version above. I would appreciate any comments you might have.

It has been suggested that businesses should make contributions to the community rather than be solely focused on maximizing profit. Nevertheless, although some believe that taking part in activities that benefit society is not the primary duty of companies and that they need not be concerned about it, this is simply a short-sighted view since contributing to society entails plenty of advantages to all.

It is true that by the sole aim of making money, businesses are also contributing to society in one way or another. In fact, a company will need to invest in improvements and expansions if they wish to remain successful. This will create plenty of employment opportunities for the country, helping reduce unemployment. In addition, since companies have been complying with the obligation to pay tax to the government, they can be considered contributing to the community as tax payments will be allocated for solving social problems afterwards. Therefore, the more profit businesses can earn, the more contributions they will make.

However, there are number of reasons why businesses should embrace social responsibilities. First, by doing so,they would be able to gain considerable respect from community, which is conducive to developing a good reputation. In fact, acting for the benefit of society at large would help build trust with customers since peopleare more likelyto support the company in return and put in a good word for its products or services. Second, socially responsible businesses can obtain a great deal of other benefits from the government. For example, many countries have established policies aimed at supporting companies that make a contribution to society such as by offering lucrative tax incentives, which will save businesses plenty of money for other purposes.

In conclusion, social responsibilities should be embraced because of their overwhelming advantages. They benefit both the companies and the greater community.

 

[teechar]

No, I'm afraid that doesn't work. I'll tell you what; why don't you put this aside and start with a new topic?

If you do decide to do that, start a new thread and just post the prompt/question. Do not write anything else yet.