[Essay] Please help me correct this writing

huynguyen158

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Mar 10, 2016
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Hi teachers,

This is my personal practice writing. Could you please help me correct it? Thank you very much!

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

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Recent years have seen the rapid development of music with a rich variety of musical styles that can be found around the world, meeting various demands of people. Although some might argue that traditional songs still play an important role in entertainment, there is substantial evidence suggesting the opposite.

There are many benefits that people can derive from music. First, since people today have been placed under considerable pressure due to the hectic pace of life, they seem always busy and never have enough time to relax. Therefore, listening to music can be considered one of the most convenient ways in order for people to leave all the worries behind. Second, music is not only a form of entertainment but also a powerful tool to help spread positive messages as well as valuable lessons, thereby bringing people closer together to fight for what is right. For example, the song named “Imagine” by John Lennon has been creating positive impacts on humanity thanks to its meaningful lyrics about a world without poverty or wars.

There are compelling reasons why international music has achieved a dominant position when compared to traditional one. In fact, with the substantial assistance of modern technology, international music has become more appealing to many people, especially the young, as it includes a variety of melodies or rhythms. This is generally contrary to traditional songs since they are commonly regarded as boring and tedious. In addition, international songs cover a wide range of genres such as jazz, rock or pop, which makes it easier for people to choose their favorite types. Thus, if people listen to international music, they will have more choices rather than be confined to several types of traditional ones.

In conclusion, music is a necessary part of human existence. However, international music seems to be given more importance than traditional one.
 

teechar

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Feb 18, 2015
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English Teacher
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Hi teachers,

This is my personal practice writing. Could you please help me correct it? Thank you very much!

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

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Recent years have seen the [STRIKE]rapid development of music with[/STRIKE] emergence of a rich variety of musical styles that can be found around the world, meeting various tastes. [STRIKE]demands of people.[/STRIKE] Although some might argue that traditional [STRIKE]songs[/STRIKE] music still plays an important role in entertainment and culture, there is substantial evidence suggesting the opposite.

There are many benefits that people can derive from listening to music. First, since many people today [STRIKE]have been placed[/STRIKE] are under considerable pressure due to the hectic pace of life, they seem always busy and never have enough time to relax. Therefore, listening to music can [STRIKE]be considered one of the most convenient ways in order for[/STRIKE] help people to wind down and leave all their worries behind. Second, music is not only a form of entertainment, but also a powerful tool to help spread positive messages as well as cultural values, [STRIKE]able lessons,[/STRIKE] thereby bringing people closer together and promoting mutual understanding. [STRIKE]to fight for what is right.[/STRIKE] For example, the John Lennon song [STRIKE]named[/STRIKE] “Imagine” [STRIKE]by John Lennon[/STRIKE] has had [STRIKE]been creating[/STRIKE] a positive impact on humanity, thanks to its meaningful lyrics about a world without poverty or wars.

On the other hand, there are compelling reasons why international music has achieved a dominant position, [STRIKE]when[/STRIKE] compared to traditional music. [STRIKE]one.[/STRIKE] In fact, [STRIKE]with the substantial assistance of[/STRIKE] thanks to modern technology, international music has become more appealing to many people, especially the young, as it includes a variety of [STRIKE]melodies or[/STRIKE] styles and rhythms. This is generally [STRIKE]contrary to[/STRIKE] not true of traditional [STRIKE]songs since they are[/STRIKE] music, which is commonly regarded as boring and tedious. In addition, international [STRIKE]songs[/STRIKE] music covers a wide range of genres such as jazz, rock or pop, which makes it easier for people to choose their favorite types. Thus, if people listen to international music, they will have more choices [STRIKE]rather[/STRIKE] than be confined to [STRIKE]several[/STRIKE] to a few traditional types. [STRIKE]of traditional ones.[/STRIKE]

In conclusion, music is [STRIKE]a necessary[/STRIKE] part of human existence. However, international music seems to [STRIKE]be given more[/STRIKE] have gained greater importance than traditional music. [STRIKE]one.[/STRIKE].
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