[Essay] Please help me review my essay_[Problems of unemployment]

[minhang0601]

Topic: Discuss the problems of unemployment among young Vietnamese and offer possible solutions

Nowadays, famine, terrorism or diseases are problems but none of these is the biggest problem to young Vietnamese. Without doubt, unemployment is the greatest enemy. In 2013, there were 72000 unemployed graduates. That is a statistic! There are 3 chief reasons: economic slowdown, student’s lack of skills and graduate oversupply.

Firstly, economic slowdown is one of the main causes. Recent years, crisis has leaded to cut in human resource and even business bankruptcy which directly makes the young desperate in finding job. Since national economy mostly depends on big-others, enterprises have to decrease the products, which results in unemployment. Even graduates are not out of this. In 2013, there was approximately 20000 companies went bankrupts, as a result 72000 graduates became unemployed.

However, people should not blame on the global economy completely, part of the fault is on the young who have little necessary skill. The young in general are not trained thoroughly. Not many labors handily meet the requirements of employers. Besides, many students particularly do not invest time in getting working experience or learning soft skills. According to a study, “75% of long-term job success depends on people skills, while only 25% is dependent on technical knowledge”. It proved the importance of soft skills dramatically.

Finally, Vietnam’s education “helps” unemployment by raising the quantity of higher education but not the quality. More and more universities are founded everyday; they literally admit as many students as possible hence miss the quality. Consequently, graduate oversupply takes place; national budget and talents end up waste! Up to now, there have been 412 universities and colleges which unexpectedly push over 70000 graduates to the edge of unemployment.

Surely, unemployment still remains a complicated “mathematical problem” but it is not really tragic if the young, the ministry of education, the government stay together. The establishment of new majors and the admission should be controlled carefully. Work training centers should trains learner thoroughly and practically. The students should be willing to learn, strengthen and utilize themselves to win the employers. Hopefully, it will not be the unsolved problem anymore.

 

[jenny dau]

I'm studying IELTS too :-D I'm not good at vocabulary or grammar, so that my feedback below may be right or wrong
1. Your ideas are extremely well
2. This essay should be divided into 2 part: Causes and solutions, and you should remember that two part should be equal in terms of the length of paragraph, controlling sentences and supporting ideas
3. Reduce the paragraph of unemployment problems. I think the best forms is 1 controlling sentence 1 or 2 supporting ideas.
3. Enhance the paragraph of solution, the solution are associated with problem. For example, 3 ideas of cause lead to 3 ideas of solutions:
economic slowdown => improve or pursue the economically sustainable development
lack of skill => encourage college student to learn for themselves and for their future
graduate oversupply => take out right policies to limit the number of high school students attending university :3
4. I'm from Vietnam too :v

 

[minhang0601]

Wow,nice to meet you Thanks a million for your review <3

 

[jenny dau]

http://ielts-simon.com/
The link is one of the most well-known and useful website for IELTS learners. Make sure you know. I'v learnt a lot of experience from it

 

[LanguageBoxCo]

I am not very familiar with the IELTS but can they ask questions related to local issues, like the unemployment in Vietnam? Can they?
Well, there are a lot of small grammar mistakes almost in every sentence:
1. Without doubt - Without a doubt
2. That is a statistic - That is statistics
3. chief reasons - never heard of chief reasons - main reasons is better
Anyway, reasons to what? I missed the idea already. You should think from the readers point of view, can he understand, can he follow the idea?
4. student’s lack of skills - how many students are lacking skills? One? Many? As you stated it it is only one student lacking skills! Better: students' lack of skills
5. one of the main causes - causes to what? again, it is unclear. Your main idea is in the introduction, good, but later the reader misses it.
6. Recent years - In recent years.
7. Firstly, comes to say there is Secondly, but there isn't in your text. So, when you use first, firstly you need to make sure there is second, secondly at very least.
8. cut in human resource - firstly, it is human resources not resource. Secondly, the wholes sentence is unclear. It is lacking readability, I can't get what you want to tell us. Actually, I got it but I had to read it 5 times? If you can't do it clearer just divide this sentence in two.
9. Finding jobs sounds much better than finding job. You are talking to the general youth, many of them, not only one.
10. big-others - maybe you meant big-ones????
11. decrease the products - maybe the production???
12. 20000 companies went bankrupts - 20000 companies that went bankruptcy

There are a lot more, that is just first read of only the starting two paragraphs. Anyway, you need to improve. The good news is that you're not scared of writing so you have the genuine opportunity to make it far better. Write few more but try to find realistic topics from past exams. I doubt the topic now is real???

--
LanguageBox.co - Learn English Online

 

[Raymott]

Well, there are a lot of small grammar mistakes almost in every sentence:
1. Without doubt - Without a doubt
2. That is a statistic - That is statistics
3. chief reasons - never heard of chief reasons - main reasons is better

I'm not sure whether all your corrections are needed. I don't have a problem with any of your first three.

 

[emsr2d2]

When are you going to submit this essay to your teacher?