[Cover Letter] Please please, help me to correct my short cover letter !:)

[thibs]

Dear Admissions Committee,

I am writing to express my interest in your Master program in X starting in fall 2021. My professional ambitions is to work in a reputable investment bank, hedge fund or to pursue an academic career.

I have allocated most of my recent years to follow this career goal. While growing up in a French speaking Swiss family, I attended linguistic schools in Canada and Germany; I dedicated a part of my education to become perfectly fluent in both German and English in addition to my first language. I regard developing greater adaptability and communication competences as core skills, and I believe the wide-ranging program of international courses available at the X will help me with this aim perfectly.

Yet my passion lies within the world of finance. Being currently an undergraduate student of University Y in Economics, my interests are growing for the fundamentals of this field the more I discover about it. My bilingual bachelor’s degree was oriented towards this learning, with several courses on statistics, investments and corporate finance among others. In addition, my thesis in Applied Econometrics based on machine learning methods also converges to grant me strong academic expertise in the analytic of economic data.

As a student, I needed another challenge that would fit with my motivation to be active in the University. Hence, I swiftly joined a stock market trading association in which I am the current vice-president. To speak of, share and develop investment strategies as well as news of the market with all the members greatly widened my knowledge on the matter. Not only is this experience beneficial because I value exchange of ideas and peer-cooperation fervently, but I also intend to join or possibly to fund a similar association on your campus were I given the opportunity. And I believe the scholarly mindset of the students and the size of the X are ideal conditions to be proactive and to cultivate a dynamic structure.

On the side of practical experience, I could negotiate contracts on partnerships with compagnies to create a trading contest for every Swiss student. I endorsed responsibilities such as the coordination of the game with the financial institution providing a trading platform and to help and advice hundreds of participants to the contest. This set of skills acquired since 2018 set me as a strong and engaged candidate for the X program and its following professional employment opportunities.

A noteworthy reason reason why I am drawn to the X is its excellent academic reputation and the professional opportunities it grants. I have no doubt I will seek professional practice in X as soon as possible to obtain the most technical experience. To that effect, the X program includes practice credits that I would be fond of participating to. In addition to the aforementioned reasons, theses excellent professional opportunities make for the university of X to be my ideal choice to prepare myself for my future successful career in a very competitive industry.
I am highly aware of the reputation and quality of your institution of higher learning. Obtaining a master’s degree there will not only be a privilege, but also an opportunity to enrich my social experience with the inquisitiveness of the community and capabilities of the faculty in solving diverse real economic problems. I consequently have no doubt of the immense benefits I stand to gain upon my acceptance into your X program. I sincerely have the conviction that I will be given the opportunity to achieve this goal by being a member of the class of 2021.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

I am writing to express my interest in your master's program in finance starting in the fall of 2021. My professional ambition is to either work in an investment bank or pursue an academic career.

I am sure you are smarter than I am, but if I were you I would shorten it and use fewer $25 words.

 

[emsr2d2]

That's not a short covering letter.

 

[thibs]

Thank you very much for the tips.
I am most definitly not smarter than you. Besides, Here I am asking for your help because I can't write in proper english and use unconventional words!
I'll be sure to follow your advices. I wrote this much because it appeared like the university admission wanted us to fill up to 3 pages. Whatever, I guess it wasn't meant to be 3 pages but still I felt short with only one.
If I may, is the language decent/with not that many mistakes?
Thanks again for the feedback you gave me.

 

[thibs]

My apologies. That's my first cover letter obviously and I was offered 3 blank pages so I clearly thought that expressing all I thought about my futur, how I've come to this decision and what I have done in my past for it on one of them was rather short but I guess I am clearly wrong.

 

[Tarheel]

Thank you very much for the tips.
I am most definitely not smarter than you. Besides, I am here asking for your help because I can't write in proper English, and, and I use unconventional words. I'll be sure to follow your advice. I wrote this much because it appeared that the university admission wanted us to fill up three pages. Whatever, I guess it wasn't meant to be three pages but still I felt that it was too short with only one.
If I may, is the language decent/with not that many mistakes?
Thanks again for the feedback you gave me.

The word "advice" is a noncount noun.

If you are replying to specific post please use the quote feature (especially if that post does not immediately precede yours).

I don't think there are a lot of mistakes, but I'm fairly sure there are some.

In my opinion when learning a new language the most important thing is to develop fluency. It is not as important to learn a lot of words as it is to know how to use the ones you do know.

I might have missed something.

 

[Tarheel]

My apologies. That's my first cover letter obviously.

No, it's not obvious. (How would we know?)

And I was offered three blank pages so I clearly thought that expressing all I thought about my future, how I've come to this decision and what I have done in my past for it on one of them was rather short but I guess I am clearly wrong.

That last "sentence" should be three or four sentences. Unfortunately, it's rather jumbled.

Please write shorter, simpler sentences. One, it will be easier to understand you. Two, it will be easier to offer corrections/suggestions if they are needed.

 

[Ryan the Lion]

The cover letter is far too long. General guidelines would be a CV being not more than two pages, three is one's career is very prolific but even then that should be the maximum and a Cover Letter should be not more than a couple of paragraphs.

I suggest condensing it down and just mention what you're passionate about in terms of this opportunity, why you are enthusiastic about this role and why you feel you are the most suitable candidate.

Don't think of yourself as doing anything wrong, but doing something right by at least trying. Have a go at condensing the cover letter, stick to the points I've pointed out, post it again and then we can help you further. Keep it simple, too.

So...I went ahead and took the time to give you what I think is more than an adequate cover later based on my dealings with them in a professional manner.

Dear Admissions Committee,

I am writing to you in order to express my interest in the vacant Master program in X starting in fall 2021. My professional ambition is to work in a reputable investment bank or hedge fund firm or other type of financial institute. (Be sure to keep it relevant to the nature of whatever it is you're applying for)

I have devoted time following this career goal. Whilst growing up in a French-speaking Swiss family, I attended schools for languages and linguistics in Canada and Germany whereupon I achieved a degree of fluency in German and English as secondary languages. I regard adaptability and communication as core skills, two things I feel I have a talent for.

As a student, I needed another challenge that would fit with my motivation to be active in the University. Hence, I swiftly joined a stock market trading association in which I am the current vice-president. To speak of, share and develop investment strategies as well as news of the market with all the members greatly widened my knowledge on the matter. I encouraged responsibilities such as the coordination of the game with the financial institution providing a trading platform and to help and advice hundreds of participants to the contest; skills which I feel are of great benefit.

A noteworthy reason why I am drawn to the X is its excellent academic reputation and the professional opportunities it grants. I have no doubt I will seek professional practice in X as soon as possible to obtain the most technical experience. To that effect, the X program includes practice credits that I would be fond of achieving. In addition to the aforementioned reasons, these excellent professional opportunities make for the university of X to be my ideal choice to prepare myself for my future successful career in a very competitive industry.

Thank you for considering my application and I look forward to a favourable response.

Yours sincerely,
<your name here>

I removed parts that were really not relevant or should be included in your CV.
I was very impressed by your last paragraph, so good job! Do remember though that 'participate' is accompanied by the preposition of 'in' and not to. 'Participate to' is incorrect unless there's a sentence that is followed by an infinitive such as: "I'm participating [in this event] to see if I can win)

Bear in mind that whilst I've dealt with CVs in a professional capacity, I am not currently in a professional role that enables me to say unequivocally that this is the CV of a professional CV...editor?