[Essay] Please review the essay

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mgn_v

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Please review the essay and correct me if i am wrong.

Thanks in Advance.

Question:
Nowadays we see lot of advertisements. Do the positives of this outweigh the negatives?
Explain.

Answer:

We are living in the world surrounded by the advertisement. Advertisement plays a vital role for promoting the product, movie, tourism, education, etc. I believe, positive advertisements play the significant role than negative.

Of Course, there are several reasons about the positive advertisement. Firstly, Advertisement makes the awareness in the society. For example, Students can find out the university program details from the advertisement, instead of reaching the college campus. Moreover, Student can reach the college in-person, if it is reachable by distance. For overseas universities, student cannot visit abroad to check the program detail. In this case, Advertisement plays a major role to fulfill the program details of the university. Likewise, online shopping which is not available in the host country. Advertisement explains the specification and functionality of the product which is quite useful. Most of the information persuades the society through advertisement. The government conveys the Health awareness or preventive measures also through advertisement.

On the other hand, there are few negative impacts on the advertisement. Few advertisements are explores the vulgarity, which can affect the society. Some of the advertisements displays about the skeptical information. People rely on their words and buying the product, at the end people get disappointed. Mostly, the advertisements affect the Children and adults, who are unable to decide the right or wrong about the products.

To conclude, the positive advertisement has significant role in the society. The positive information holds the majority portion in the society. People should take the positive information rather than negative advertisements.
 

euncu

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***neither a teacher nor a native-speaker***

Please review the essay and correct me if i am wrong.

Thanks in [STRIKE]A[/STRIKE]advance.

Question:
Nowadays we see [STRIKE]lot of[/STRIKE] lots of (or a lot of) advertisements. Do the [STRIKE]positives[/STRIKE] pros are much more than the(or their) cons[STRIKE]of this outweigh the negatives[/STRIKE]?
(edit:I later found out from your answer that you actually were talking about "the positive advertisement" and "the negative advertisement", not about the pros and cons of advertising, but I don't know what a negative advertisment is. Does it mean that they say "don't buy our products 'cos they suck" ?)
Explain.

Answer:

We are living in [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] a world surrounded by [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE] advertisements. Advertis[STRIKE]ement[/STRIKE]ing plays a vital role for promoting [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE]all kinds of products, movies, tourism, education, etc. I believe, the positive advertisements plays [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE]a significant role than the negative one.

Of [STRIKE]C[/STRIKE]course, there are several reasons [STRIKE]about [/STRIKE]concerning the X of the positive advertisement.(or ...reasons why the positive...) Firstly, [STRIKE]A[/STRIKE]advertisement raise the awareness in [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] society. For example, [STRIKE]S[/STRIKE]students can find out the university program details from the advertisement, instead of reaching the college (if you used the word "university" before, I think you should stick to that word.) [STRIKE]campus[/STRIKE] personally or by the phone . Moreover, [STRIKE]S[/STRIKE]students can reach the college in-person, if it is reachable by distance. For overseas universities, it would be hard for the students [STRIKE]cannot visit[/STRIKE] to go abroad [STRIKE]to [/STRIKE] just for checking the program detail. In this case, [STRIKE]A[/STRIKE]advertisement plays a major role to fulfill(?) the program details of the university. Likewise, online shopping [STRIKE]which is[/STRIKE]may not be available in the host country. Advertisement explains the specifications and the functionality of the product which is quite useful. Most of the information(you mean "the shower of information" ?) persuades [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE]society through advertisement.[STRIKE] The[/STRIKE] Governments [STRIKE]conveys[/STRIKE] raise the [STRIKE]H[/STRIKE] awareness concerning the health issues [STRIKE]awareness[/STRIKE] or the preventive measures for X
[STRIKE]also[/STRIKE] through advertisements.

Unfortunately, since I don't have plenty of time, I couldn't check the last two paragraphs.
 

mgn_v

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Can you please correct the other 2 paragraphs also?
 
Joined
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My company specializes in extensive proofreading and editing.


Firstly, you should be direct in your thesis. Your introductory paragraph does not answer the prompt. The prompt is asking you to take a solid stance on the issue of increased advertisements. Try rewriting your thesis and stick to one side. You divide your essay into two parts (positives and negatives), but that only makes your paper less convincing. This is an argumentative essay, so be as persuasive as possible.

Here is an example of an average thesis statement: The positives of increased advertisements do not outweigh its negative societal implications.

If you want to stick with the positives of increased advertisements, then euncu's revisions are all you need to write an additional two paragraphs. :up:
 
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