Proofreading Required

[lakde]

Hi, I am preparing for IELTS exam and practicing for Essay writing task.

Need some advice/improvements on the below essay. Also, please rate this essay out of IELTS 9 BANDS.

Thanks in advance.

Topic:
Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work.

How do you think children should spend their free time? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples.

Essay:
Children are the future of a nation and their healthy development is incumbent for the success of a country. No doubt school work is important but there are other cardinal things germane to the growth of a child.

Focus should be on the overall growth of a child. One aspect is personality development which can only be induced into a child gradually. Another way of utilizing free time is to encourage children to take interest in some form of art. An art can be music, painting, singing, dancing etc. If a child has a predilection for any sport like cricket, he/she can join a sports club or a local cricket group. A sport involving physical activity makes a child strong both mentally and physically. Every child is special and has an inimitable quality which the parent can gauge and provide tutelage to the child to exploit that matchless quality to become successful in life. For example, if a child has a penchant for new and current affairs then he/she can be given guidance on what he/she can opt during higher studies. This would create a career path for the child and he/she can spend some time on focussing on that area.


Another way to utilize free time is to encourage the child to give back something useful to the society. For example, a child can go and observe how an NGO works. He/she can take part in social works which include providing education, food and medicines to the poor.

To sum up, I just want to emphasize that there are plethora of activities that a child can do during free time. All school work and no play would make a bookworm out of the child.

 

[SirGod]

Hello! I've noticed in your essay that you missed a lot of commas. Also, you've used a plural where it should be a singular. And I would use a definite article before "free time". I would replace induced into with induced to. I would put like cricket between parentheses. I would replace some time on focussing on that with some time focussing on that. As you can see, I highlighted my changes.

Children are the future of a nation, and their healthy development is incumbent for the success of a country. No doubt school work is important, but there are other cardinal things germane to the growth of a child.

Focus should be on the overall growth of a child. One aspect is personality development, which can only be induced to a child gradually. Another way of utilizing free time is to encourage children to take interest in some form of art. An art can be music, painting, singing, dancing etc. If a child has a predilection for any sport (like cricket), he/she can join a sports club or a local cricket group. A sport involving physical activity makes a child strong both mentally and physically. Every child is special and has an inimitable quality which the parent can gauge and provide tutelage to the child to exploit that matchless quality to become successful in life. For example, if a child has a penchant for new and current affairs, then he/she can be given guidance on what he/she can opt during higher studies. This would create a career path for the child, and he/she can spend some time focussing on that area.


Another way to utilize free time is to encourage the child to give back something useful to the society. For example, a child can go and observe how an NGO works. He/she can take part in social works, which include providing education, food and medicines to the poor.

To sum up, I just want to emphasize that there is a plethora of activities that a child can do during the free time. All school work and no play would make a bookworm out of the child.

 

[lakde]

Thank you SirGod. Your comments are really helpful.

I need one more favour; can you please rate this essay on IELTS scale (9 bands)?

-Lakde

 

[SirGod]

Thank you SirGod. Your comments are really helpful.

I need one more favour; can you please rate this essay on IELTS scale (9 bands)?

-Lakde

You're welcome. I'm sorry, but I have no idea about IETLS' rating system, maybe someone out here can actually rate your work.

 

[JMurray]

Hope you don't mind SirGod, just noticed a couple of extra things.

"For example, if a child has a penchant for news and current affairs, then he/she can be given guidance on what he/she can opt for during higher studies."

I also think it should be "induced into a child". Someone can be "induced to" do something, but they have something "induced into" them.